I shared openly what my day was like today, but not to the depths that I really want to reflect upon it with you guys. Because, you know, you get the full reflection and lesson from me.
So, my coach has really been working with me on my energy. It’s really easy, as someone who is tapped into their intuition, to read the energy of others but it can be really fucking hard to read your own.
So she and I have been taking a look at my Facebook posts lately, since my business is run on Facebook. I’ve never been concerned about how I show up because I’ve always prided myself on showing up authentically. I share openly. In fact, I hear all the time, “OMG that was exactly what I needed to hear. It’s like you’re speaking right to me. How did you know?”
So as she’s reading through some of my more recent stuff she says, “Anne, your writing is beautiful. It’s not your writing that’s the problem. It’s your energy behind it. I don’t read words, I read energy.”
Let me tell you…ego. was. PISSED.
Trigger, trigger, trigger.
I pride myself as a writer. It comes easily to me. It’s natural. It flows out of me. But as I reflected on what she was saying, I understood it.
“You’re telling me I’m hiding behind my writing.”
“You hide behind a lot of things, but yes, you’re hiding behind your writing. It’s great that you’re being complimented, but compliments don’t matter if they’re not converting to clients.”
Even writing this, sharing with you, is triggering me. Ego wants me to hide. “You just admitted you’re trying to get clients. You just admitted your purpose behind being on Facebook is for your business.”
Well duh. LOL. I don’t think that’s actually a shock to any of you. This just goes to show how deep my fear of being seen goes. You guys ARE clients of mine. You pay me to help you. You know I run a coaching business. You know I get paid to do what I do.
I kept hearing what she was saying to me over and over again, “It’s not your words, it’s your energy.”
“You’re afraid to be seen.”
“You hide behind a lot of things.”
I continued to reflect during dinner and messaged her again, “So when the guy I’m talking to fucking disappears after just having had a really deep connection and the longest talk we’ve ever had, he’s reflecting back to me my fear of being seen, isn’t he?”
Today was fucking frustrating, to say the least. But WHY was it frustrating?
Because I did everything I tell you guys to do. I practice what I preach. I worked out, I meditated, I journaled, I read, I went for a walk, I spent time with myself, I affirmed myself, I had so many moments of being aligned as fuck and feeling amazing. And yet, it felt like shit just wasn’t working.
To hear that my energy wasn’t being felt behind my writing felt like I was being told, “Completely revamp everything you do in your business.” It’s not what she was saying and it’s not what I need to do. It’s as “simple” as just opening up. It’s as “simple” as just saying what’s truly on my mind. It’s as “simple” as just showing up and authentically being myself in every moment.
And I understood what she was saying. When you get me on the phone with you on our Mindset Calls, you get ME. You get Anne in all her glory because I don’t feel like I have to prove myself to you. I don’t feel like I need you to love me, validate me, accept me, or any of that.
But when I show up online, it’s almost like I’m openly trying to date all my friends. To run a business online can sometimes feel like online dating. So what would it feel like to show up as if we were already in a long-term, committed relationship? What would it feel like to not feel like I was trying to put my best foot forward? What would it feel like to just know I’m really fucking good at what I do, instead of trying to constantly show others?
I know energy is everything. I teach that energy is everything because I BELIEVE energy is everything…in everything you do.
People don’t pay attention to what you say, they pay attention to how you make them feel.
This song totally spoke to me while I was writing my post earlier because it reminded me of the duality I sometimes feel. The people who know me, who REALLY know me, get to see the greatest parts of me. They see the kindness, the compassion, the humor, my intuition, my tough love, my intelligence. And those who only see the Facebook version are missing a huge piece of me. They’re missing the essence of who I am.
“Baby in our wildest moments
We could be the greatest, we could be the greatest
Baby in our wildest moments
We could be the worst of all”
I reflected in my Facebook post that I sometimes still walk around with a mask on. I only drop it for those who have shown me that they love me unconditionally. It feels safe with those I have shown my crazy to who still continue to want to be in my life.
This is inner child work, again.
Fear of abandonment, again.
Are you noticing how much this has been coming up for me?
This is why awareness is so important. On some level, my inner child doesn’t believe she’s not going to be left. She doesn’t believe she’s going to be loved unconditionally by me. So even though I’ve shown up for myself today, even though I show up for myself every fucking day, all these reflections are showing me that I need more. Little Anne needs more. What I’m giving myself isn’t enough. I need more from me.
So now it’s your turn to reflect. In what areas of your life do you have a mask on? Where are you not letting others see you? Where are you hiding yourself? Where are you afraid to be seen? How is it showing up and reflecting back to you in other areas of your life?