This weekend was spent sorting through a bunch of stuff. Do you ever find yourself moving the same shit from place to place, never really ever going through it? I usually am pretty good about going through unnecessary papers and whatnot, but getting rid of all my stuff really caused me to think, “Do I REALLY need to hold onto this filing cabinet anymore or can I downsize?”
I had the perfect box I was going to go through and add my limited papers to. This box was full of all the things my dad had kept throughout my entire life. When I say everything, I mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!
Printed out emails, printed out IM conversations from AOL (I know, right??), letters I sent him as a little girl, letters I sent him in college, notes I wrote in church (he’s now a retired minister), stories I printed on his typewriter at his office, pictures I colored for him, all my recital programs (music AND dance)…..the list goes on and on.
Of course, I didn’t feel the need to hold onto everything but some of the notes totally cracked me up!
“I’m so hot! Church is boring but oh well. I have to come.” -a note written to one of my good friends in church, which was apparently handed to my dad…by me.
What can I say? I’ve never had any shame in speaking my truth. Sometimes it was accepted and sometimes it was attempted to be shut down, quieted, boxed in.
Over the years, I stopped allowing myself to be quieted and boxed in. I knew I had something inside of me that needed to be shared with others. I just never could have ever guessed that it would have been along the spiritual path.
Here’s the thing about playing small…many times we receive love for it.
Being broke? Someone gave us sympathy for it.
Being overweight or unhealthy? Someone confirmed that it “is what it is”.
Patterns in relationships? It’s just who you are, right?
We connect ourselves to our story:
I am broke.
I am unlovable.
I am fat.
I am…what do you say after those 2 words?
When you identify with your story, ego makes it hard as hell to allow you to change because it believes that the death of that story means the death of you. If you have received love all your life based on your story, what happens when you don’t identify with it anymore?
That’s where self-love comes in. Once you learn to love yourself, outside validation no longer matters and you are free to be who you are, without limitations.