I struggle so deeply with trust. I was asked the question today, “Anne, have you ever trusted anyone?” Had I? Had I ever REALLY trusted anyone? Did I trust them not to hurt me? The question is: do you trust until you’re given a reason not to or does someone have to earn your trust from the beginning?
I have not been trusting Richard lately and not for any other reason than I’m scared to. I’ve had my trust broken in previous relationships and I’ve seen what have seemed to be amazing couples break each other’s trust. Deep down, I trust Richard and know he would never cheat on me but I still haven’t allowed myself to give him all of it.
As my therapist explained to me ONE more time about vulnerability and how I’m only giving myself about 90% and I have to keep pushing through to give 100% of myself, I thought of what it would feel like to give 100% of my trust. Holy shit. No. That sounds terrifying! I realized in that moment how many limiting beliefs I had about giving all of myself. “Don’t ever fully depend on a man.” Somehow in all my years of working towards being “independent” and not “needing a man”, I realized I have never fully given myself to any relationship, emotionally. I have always kept some sort of wall up. Over the years, being independent was the same to me as putting a wall up.
I realized as I was sharing my revelation with Richard today how much my divorce strengthened that limiting belief. I never emotionally gave myself fully to my ex-husband, but I allowed myself to “give in” to the marriage. I allowed us to be a partnership. I believed when he told me he had my back he did, indeed, have my back. He didn’t. He had my back when it was convenient for him.
As I watched my therapist show me with his hands the 90% I was giving myself versus the 100% I should be, I imagined what that would feel like for that to be my trust. It immediately clicked and I said, “I can’t give my trust fully because if I let go, I will feel powerless. I will lose my power.”
“No Anne. If you don’t trust, you have no power. If you don’t trust Richard, no matter what, he can’t win. He will always lose.”
How do you trust when you have never fully trusted before? I’m not really sure. First of all, we believe whatever we tell ourselves. I have the choice. I can either tell myself the story, “Richard is cheating on me” or I can tell myself the story, “I can trust Richard no mater what.”
What if I trust him and then he cheats and I’m made to look like a fool? That is one of my greatest fears.
“Does it mater? If you give yourself 90% and he cheats versus giving yourself 100% and he cheats, does it hurt any less?”
“So is there any benefit to not giving yourself 100%?”
So here I am, beginning my trust journey. I’m committing to giving myself fully even with the risk of being destroyed.