I’ve been sitting here, staring at the blank screen and knowing I have words to get out that seem to be stuck in my throat. The last couple days I have noticed irritation in my throat, which to me is a sign that I’m not speaking my truth.
I’m in Minnesota visiting family and as I sit here in my grandma’s condo, looking around at all the family memorabilia, it is the first time that I feel like my body is here but my soul is trying to escape. My soul doesn’t feel at home here, it doesn’t feel recognized. I see my picture hanging on the wall, and yet I don’t recognize the woman in that picture.
I’ve had multiple conversations with others about my upcoming journey and I’m realizing more and more how many people want me to have an end point or only see things as they appear on the surface. My journey is not about getting to California. My journey is not about getting rid of all of my stuff.
My soul has felt suffocated for such a long time and I don’t know how to share that with others who don’t know what that feels like or who haven’t tapped into the depths of themselves in the same way. I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking through these 35 years of my life and it is physically painful to continue to do that.
I have been led to believe there’s something wrong with me. I’m too much. I dream too much. I’m too emotional. I take too many risks. I’m irresponsible. I’m selfish. I’m too in my head. I’m too secluded. The payoff if I fit into someone else’s box? I lose complete contact with my soul and it is excruciatingly painful.
I need the time to drown out the noise of everyone else’s opinion and follow the voice of my soul. I need the space to fully heal from the ending of the most soul crushing break-up to date. When you get to the end of the relationship, everyone has an opinion for you. Most people want you to forget about it and help you find all the reasons why you can do better or why you weren’t a fit for each other. That’s not comforting to me. That relationship was not just what it appeared to be on the surface level. There was a deeper soul connection than I’ve ever felt with anyone before.
It was a relationship where as soon as we met, we felt we had known each other before. It was an immediate connection and a deep love right off the bat. Even 6 months later, through some time of reconnecting, it’s as if no time has passed. How do you heal from a relationship where you know you’ve connected on the deepest soul level and yet you’re being told by your Spirit Guides (through multiple readers), “The door is closed. He was a soulmate, a teacher, but not your life partner.” It’s the first time my ego has been as quiet as it is. For the first time, it feels like my soul and ego are comforting each other through this process.
I truly believe this is why this journey of letting go of every single thing that has ever been familiar to me is so important. I want to strip down as far as I can go. I have a deep desire to release everything and rebuild. I have relied on others for so long. I have listened to the opinions of others and people pleased my entire life. I have lost the connection to myself to be able to hear what I truly, deeply want. I haven’t been able to drown out the noise in order to hear my guides for myself. I have spent year after year going through the motions. This journey is about finding myself, my true self, the depth of myself that I haven’t had the chance to really meet yet. No matter what it looks like on the surface to others, I am unwilling to sacrifice truly meeting myself.