Today I was completely overwhelmed. After my last blog, I didn’t feel better. I continued a downward spiral of anger and rage. I tried to have a conversation about how I was feeling, but no matter how hard I would try I ended up just shutting down. I felt stupid, attacked, not good enough and like a teenager who feels so many emotions they don’t know how or what they’re feeling so all they can do is lash out- that was me today.
As I prepared to get ready for work, I was told, “You need to cry. You need to cry it out.”
“Because you’re here.”
“That’s a very ‘Anne’ response. A bad response, but a very ‘Anne’ response.”
He was right. That was a very “me” thing to say. As I kissed him goodbye and shut the door, I walked to work and listened to music. Not even 3 minutes later, my bottom lip began to tremble and I felt a tightness in my chest. The tears started rolling down my face. About an hour later, I started replaying this morning in my head and all of a sudden it hit me…I could see exactly what I was doing and why.
Belief #1: “I’m too difficult to love”. Here’s the thing about beliefs: whatever you believe becomes true. You will manifest and conspire things to happen to make your beliefs true. The first 3 months have been easy, piece of cake, calm and comfortable. My reality didn’t match my belief so clearly, subconsciously I fixed that. I picked fights, I said hurtful things, I distanced myself…I made myself as difficult to love as possible.
Belief #2: When there are problems, people leave because I’m not worth fighting for. My fear is that relationships don’t last because they never have, right? So if a relationship isn’t going to last and I’m not worth fighting for, then I might as well push someone as far enough away as I possibly can as soon as possible so it will hurt less now vs later.
For an emotional eater and drinker, a day like today is the hardest kind to get through. There are 2 extremes: 1. I eat anything and everything I want or 2. I eat nothing and drink. Feelings are uncomfortable and irrational. Sometimes it feels as though we have no control over them, but what we do have control over is what we choose to put in our mouths. I didn’t want to eat tonight. I thought eating a cupcake and drinking a glass of wine would have been easier, but I decided to fuel my body instead.
The reality is this: I have to feel my emotions. I have to face my fear. Right now it feels as though I’m having an out of body experience. I can see myself falling into old habits and patterns and yet I can’t seem to stop myself. Very much like an emotional eater feels they have no control over the cookie…or 10 cookies…that go into their mouth, it feels very much the same. I can feel myself trying to say, “Stop! This is a good one! Take a breath and think.” But instead I push, and I push, and I push.
The Universe is showing me this lesson one more time and if I don’t learn it, I will get the lesson again in a different relationship until I do.