Today the first sentence caught my eye:
“The way we treat ourselves all comes down to one decision: the decision of love.”
How true is that? Most of us are more unkind to ourselves than we are to anyone else. The only way to truly be kind to ourselves is to consciously decide to say kind things to ourselves. Usually, it’s a negative tape that plays over and over and over again.
“When we’re unwilling to deal with our past or unwilling to look at our patterns, true change cannot occur.”
At the end of last year I had a meltdown. I saw my ex-husband had a new girlfriend. That wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was he took her to a ballet I had been asking to go to for years. Each year the response was, “Next year we’ll go.” The next year came and went and we never went. In that moment that I saw he took her, I felt less than. I felt like somehow I was not worthy enough for him to take to a ballet. I realized that there were so many moments in my life I felt almost but not quite good enough.
*I was good enough to marry, but not good enough to treat well.
*I was good enough to marry, but not good enough to be a “good man” like he said he strived to be.
*I was good enough to have an amazing first date and spend 3 hours with, but not quite good enough to ask out for a second date.
*I was good enough to open up to, but not good enough to get into a relationship with.
It was in that moment of my meltdown I knew everything tied back to my rape: I was only ever good enough for their needs and never any of mine. I knew back in December that I needed to deal with my self-worth. I started to deal with it because I realized that the Universe would continue to present the same lessons to me over and over again until I did.
Tonight I read back through old journal entries I wrote at the beginning of trying to deal with it:
“As I started to get ready for bed, I noticed all I wanted was to curl up in bed. I wanted to bury my head in someone’s chest, sob and have them tell me it will be ok. I wanted someone to tell me they love me and I am enough the way I am. As I crawled into bed, I felt an emptiness in my stomach. My whole body felt hallow as if if I curled inward just enough, my body would collapse. Then I sobbed.
The truth is…I have to love myself. I have to accept myself and tell myself I am enough. When I had to lie there, in the dark silence, it was painfully lonely. I tried to think empowering thoughts and then realized that, too, is just a numbing technique. How do I get through this? Will I always feel shame? Will I always feel like vomiting? How do I know when I want genuine connection and when I’m using it to numb myself? How do I let a new person in on this? How do I know who is worthy? I’m told I’m not too difficult to love. I’m told I’m amazing. Who do I trust with my story?”
The quote I found after I wrote that was perfect:
“The people who are meant to be in your life are the ones who know how to gently wait for you to heal.”
3 months later, that quote is so perfect for the type of partner Richard is for me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have an amazing relationship to help support me through my self growth AND the realization that I need to work through my shit in order to be the best partner I can be. Today I made a phone call to start going to a therapist. I have done so much work on myself and yet, I know I’m hitting emotional blocks that I’m unable to get through without the help of someone else.
For years I swept my rape under the rug thinking it would go away and once I was with someone who truly loved me I no longer needed to deal with it. I now realize it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. I need to deal with it so I can truly love myself. How freeing that realization is!
This morning’s reflection was about surrendering and I truly feel at this point in my life that is exactly what I’m doing:
“I surrender. Today I turn over all the fearful projections that I have placed upon myself. I release all self-doubt and attack today. In this moment, I choose to let it all go. I am willing to be guided to new projections. I am willing to love myself again. Inner Guide, please take the steering wheel and show me how to truly surrender my fear so I can wholeheartedly love myself again.”
Tonight’s exercise was to do something kind for myself. Tonight we had date night, so I didn’t do something specific for myself; however I feel that by starting the ball rolling with therapy that is something huge I am doing for myself. Tomorrow I have the entire day to myself and Fridays are my self-care days anyway so I fully intend on taking care of myself. This self-love journey is tough, but for the first time in my life I fully feel I am on the right track to being the absolute best version of myself.
2016 is the year of Anne <3