To all the men who have left me:
I know I roped you in with my easy-going, positive attitude mixed with a great sense of humor. And that laugh, am I right? I’m an educated, talented musician with so many things to offer. What could possibly go wrong, right? Then the storm hits and you don’t know what the fuck just hit you. I’m angry, nagging, picking fights, insecure and you start to wonder who the hell you even fell in love with. Sometimes there feels like a break, the eye of the storm. You think things will go back to how they started and then nope, it all hits again. At this point, you start to wonder if I’m worth staying for. If I’m writing this letter to you, then clearly you have left.
I’ve spent most of my life giving in and shutting down. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel worth it. It doesn’t feel worth it to explain myself. The anger is misunderstood. I get it, nobody wants to deal with someone who picks fights all the time. They’re not pointless fights, though. They’re rooted in deep pain. They’re rooted in years and years of not feeling good enough. They’re rooted in feeling put on the back burner multiple times by multiple people. If I’m fighting, it’s because I have something to say even if I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to say in that moment. You should have known not to worry when I fight with you but to worry when I stop. The moment I stop and shut down means I have nothing left to fight for.
You know those moments you confronted me, asking what was going on and it looked like I just froze? I wasn’t ignoring you; there was more going on in my head than you will ever know. I was scanning the situation, first of all. “Is it safe to say what I’m really thinking? Is it safe to be vulnerable? Will my vulnerability be met with compassion or anger? Will I be understood or told I’m fucking crazy?” After that, I was trying to comprehend what was REALLY going on. There’s a delay in my response. I struggle with comprehension in all areas of my life. I struggled with reading comprehension as a young child and it has continued in a variety of areas in my adult life. One of those areas is in comprehending my thoughts and feelings. It can sometimes take me days to truly put together into words what’s really going on. Needless to say, most people don’t have that kind of patience. To you it looked like I was “rehashing” an old argument when in reality I was processing it in a different way.
Here’s the thing: you weren’t guiltless either. I tried to tell you. I tried to use my voice. Sometimes you were just too irritated to truly hear me. Sometimes you decided to find comfort in other women instead of coming to me to talk it through because that was easier, wasn’t it?
I’m done apologizing. I’m done feeling unworthy. I’m done punishing myself for choices you made. I’m done apologizing for the beautiful storm I am. There may be heavy winds and rain but there is a lot of sunshine, as well. And you know what? That sunshine is fucking beautiful.