I haven’t blogged in about a week and a half. Part of it is schedule, part of it is excuses and part of it is I have been on such an emotional journey I didn’t have it in me to also write about it. Last week I went to see my therapist for the first time. It’s like the Universe knew exactly what I needed in a therapist and delivered. She has experience helping others through rape and trauma, wants to be a resource in my journey of becoming a life coach, used to be a fitness instructor and used to be a sex therapist. What more could I need, right? I felt really light leaving her office and felt like I was definitely on the right path of my healing journey.
Going into the weekend, everything was going great! Richard and I got to spend some really good time together: laughed, danced, cooked, spent really good quality time together, etc. Saturday, as usual, he went to work and my morning started off great! Life was good, the sun was shining and I was really enjoying my time to myself. Then I got an update from him that he didn’t realize he had to work on Sunday and all hell broke loose in my head. I was frustrated that we “lost” time together. What went from being an amazing day together of putting up shelves and doing some things around the apartment turned into him being gone all day. As I worked through it in my head, it was still going to work out because we would still have the morning together: coffee, breakfast and a somewhat relaxing morning.
Sunday morning came and his alarm went off at 7. What? He didn’t have to be to work until 10:45! “No, babe, I have a training event at 9:30.” You would have thought that someone killed my cat. I wasn’t angry with him, but I was so angry that this relaxing morning I planned in my head had also gone to shit. All of a sudden, I felt my emotions begin to spiral out of control. He ended up staying until he had to leave for work and yet, I still couldn’t enjoy our morning because I couldn’t gain control of my emotions. I was angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed…you name it, I felt it. I then thought he had to leave at 9:30 and at 9:15 he was putting on his shoes to leave. I fought it. I fought feeling what I really felt. “Stay strong. Don’t show him what you really feel.” He came in and broke me down, “Babe. It’s ok to cry. You need to cry. It’s ok to show me your emotions.” He walked out of the room, the covers went over my head and the tears began to fall. The more I thought about him leaving, the harder I cried. Why was I feeling abandoned?? He was only leaving for work and then he was coming home. He ALWAYS comes home. I realized as I was crying, I wanted him to come back in and console me. I wanted him to tell me everything was ok. I heard the door shut and so many feelings I felt from my childhood rushed through my body.
What the hell? I wasn’t an abandoned child. I had 2 sets of parents who I know loved me. I never thought of myself as having a shitty childhood. I could have sworn, though, that the feelings I felt were me as a child. I was not always an easy child. I would get stubborn, defiant, pouty, etc. The moments when I finally went into my room to cry, I often cried alone and felt very alone. I had pushed others away, so by the point I was in my room crying nobody wanted to console me. The door closing while I was crying was a huge trigger, though. I never thought I would have any abandonment issues when it comes to my dad. He didn’t abandon me. We are beyond close and always have been, but then I remembered all the times he would drop me off at my mom’s after a weekend of being together and I didn’t want him to leave. I cried, wanting more time with him, and at some point…he had to shut the door to leave.
After having that breakthrough, the rest of the day was even uglier. I cried until my head hurt and it looked like I got punched in both eyes. At moments, I got so angry I wanted to throw things and punch a wall. I wanted to stop crying and numb my feelings with alcohol, but then a good friend reminded me, “Anne, you’re finally feeling. Some of these emotions you probably haven’t felt in almost 30 years. It’s going to be uncomfortable. Just keep feeling them.”
Although I’m still working through my emotions, it finally is starting to make sense. The lack of time together reminds me of all the times I went to my dad’s on the weekend and his schedule was incredibly busy because for ministers, weekends are the busiest. My love languages are definitely words of affirmation and physical touch, but when it comes to people I’m truly close to, quality time is an incredibly close third.
What emotions have you been pushing away your whole life? What triggers you and you have no clue why?
Self-growth is a really fucking ugly process, but luckily I’m beyond fortunate enough to have a man in my life who is attracted to how hard I work on myself and on our relationship. He loves me when I’m dancing and laughing or when I’m sobbing in his arms. We’re not supposed to be “on point” all the time. We’re all human.