My self-growth journey has been all over the place recently. I honestly haven’t stuck to one thing in particular. Is it me blocking my own growth or is it the fact that I don’t feel I’m moving anywhere on my path and therefore am frustrated? I’m not really sure. This morning started off with an argument. I’m not really sure what a healthy argument looks or feels like, but I’d like to believe that’s what it was. I didn’t grow up having healthy arguments and I sure as hell have never been in a relationship where I’ve been able to have one so that is all new territory to me.
One thing I love about my neighborhood is that there is a park 3 blocks away with the most gorgeous weeping willows. When I moved here in August after leaving my marriage, I spent every single day sitting under a tree and either reading or just lying in the grass listening to music. I haven’t been able to spend much time in the park since the weather has been all over the place. This morning wasn’t any nicer, but I knew I needed to get outside to connect to nature again. I poured my coffee into a travel mug, put on my winter coat and left. My plan was to sit on a bench and just take it all in, but the benches were wet from the rain the night before. I decided I could only walk around aimlessly for so long before I needed to just stop. I found this beauty of a tree with a bench right in front of it. I decided to take off my coat to soak up the water so I could sit and fully enjoy it. Then I sat and cried.
I’m on a personal growth journey that I can really only do alone. That is not to say I can’t have people in my life or can’t enjoy time with others, but this journey is very lonely. What makes it feel even more lonely is when you feel like you’re not GOING anywhere but you don’t know what the answer is. I’ve been in therapy for a month and every time I walk out more confused. This is not me doubting therapy or even my therapist. I do wonder, however, if that is what I need at this point. It is the first time in my life I know exactly how I want my journey to FEEL and can’t put it into words in order to ask for the help to get there.
I meditate. I journal. I blog. I work with affirmations. I am trying to unblock my root chakra. I do EFT tapping. I go to yoga for spiritual reasons and not specifically the health reasons. I’ve had my cards read. I’m going to start going to a Unitarian church with a friend. I plan on starting A Course in Miracles this summer. I’m able to have breakthroughs on my own. I’m able to see what’s being triggered. I can often times figure out why I freak the fuck out and spiral out of control. I hear, “You’re very self-aware.” I KNOW I’m self-aware. That’s great, but what the hell do I DO with it? “You’re really strong. You’re one of the strongest women I know.” Awesome. What the fuck do I do when I fall apart and don’t want to be strong anymore? “Anger is good. Use your anger to find your voice but reel it in so that you use your voice before you get TOO angry.” What do I do when I get past that point and am so angry I want to throw my phone across the room and punch a wall? What do I do when the anger turns into extreme sadness and I collapse into tears and the voice says, “The pain inside is just who you are. It’s always been there and always will be there.” What do I do when I feel the lack of self-worth so intensely that it feels like a weight on my chest? What do I do when that turns into rage?
I have no clue where this journey will lead me. I do know this is the first time in my life it has felt urgent to figure it out. Gabrielle Bernstein said when she hit rock bottom, she dropped to her knees and asked the Universe for guidance. I don’t pray. I don’t get on my knees. Maybe it’s time to do something I’ve never done before. Maybe it’s time to surrender.