Yesterday was Easter. I found a brunch place with bottomless mimosas to start out our day that wasn’t too far from my apartment. We sat at the bar and enjoyed mediocre food and decent mimosas while we watched people start to trickle in in their Easter Sunday clothes. In the back of my mind all day, though, I knew that we would be spending the afternoon and evening with his brother, sister-in-law and her family. People who have gotten to know me have a hard time believing I’m an anxious person, but being in new situations or a new crowd of people really freaks me out and I have to mentally prepare for it. Yesterday was no different. My plan was to read my chapter and start working through the activities on the way there, but I ended up falling asleep. By the time we got in the car to come home, I felt completely overwhelmed and knew I should probably at least read the morning reflection and affirmation.
“I forgive myself for getting stuck in fear. I believe in miracles. Today I am grateful because I have the willingness to remember that miracles are my birthright. Today I open my consciousness and participate in the cocreation of miracles. I know that when I am miracle minded, I have the capacity to witness and experience miracles in all corners of my life. I believe in miracles.”
The chapter was all about blocking love and when did I do it. When did I block love by giving into fear? Holy hell….the whole day.
*When he told his family about Kenya
*When he and his sister in law talked about where he would keep his car
*When I sat quietly on the couch and didn’t engage in conversation
*When I sat in the car in silence on the way home
*When I sat in the bedroom to try and write my blog and he was at the dining room table
*When I went to bed without saying goodnight
*When he came to bed late after having to stay up to do school work and the only thing I could feel was anger and selfishness for also being kept up late
I forgive myself for getting stuck in this fear. I know there is a loving way to see this. I believe in miracles.
I seem to feel stuck in emotions spiraling out of control. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is or why. Am I continuing to live in fear because I focus so much on when I do doing the day? Am I extra moody because I’m on my period? Is it worse than normal because I’m still working through him being gone for 8 weeks? I guess the thing, though, is this is my life right now. Things are coming up I hadn’t planned on working on, but personal development can’t always be planned. It is really hard to be loving, gentle and understanding of myself right now. I feel mean, moody and irritated and those emotions I have a history of really struggling to get out of. I become stubborn, dig in my heels and no matter what, I have a really hard time warming up to someone or seeing where I have been wrong until I have time to really think about it work through it on my own. Talk about a trait I don’t enjoy. I know it has served me sometimes and can serve me in the right situation, but in this situation I know it’s not serving me.
We’re 1 week in and I’m still committed to getting through the next 5 weeks of this journey. I can’t live the next 5 weeks angry and fearful after all the work I’ve done the last 2 years, right? At some point these emotions have to break…