Today was a challenging day. My emotions have been very much on the surface and I’m on the verge of tears at all times. As an emotional eater and drinker, I’m learning to feel my feelings and not eat them, drink them or work them away. This morning it was confirmed that 8 weeks in Kenya is happening and I teeter between sadness and anger. I’m sad he’s leaving and I’m angry at myself for clearly needing this lesson. I know this relationship is an assignment for me to heal past wounds. I can’t help but wonder if this would still be happening if I had learned to work through shit years ago. Then again, if I didn’t need this lesson would he be in my life in the first place? My life is undoubtedly better with him in it, so if this is the lesson that needs to be learned I will try to welcome it with open arms.
Today’s lesson was on gratitude, which is not a new concept for me but the assignment is definitely not what I expected. I started with the morning reflection:
“I begin my day with gratitude. I am grateful for another day. I am grateful to breathe the air. I’m grateful for the trees, the grass, and the sky. I open my mind to focus on gratitude today. I release all littleness, all limiting beliefs. I choose gratitude instead.”
Easy enough, right? I read it, looked out the window and thought, “Yep! Love that! I feel so much calmer and at peace now.”
Today’s affirmation: Gratitude is my only attitude today.
Well, that’s a little more of a stretch but it’s definitely something I will work towards getting behind. I started reading through my day’s assignments. “List 10 things you’re grateful for.” Awesome! I write lists often of what I’m grateful for. I know that’s going to help with my mood. “Make a list of your top 5 fears, and then next to each one write what you’ve learned and why you’re grateful for these assignments.” What? Fuck you. I’m going to do the assignment because self-growth isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to sometimes be challenging and uncomfortable, but let me just say…I am not thrilled to be digging that deep.
10 things I’m grateful for:
1. a boyfriend who loves me and allows me to be my true self: the good, the bad and the ugly
2. technology to keep in touch with loved ones who are far away
3. the relationship with my dad to be able to FaceTime him and share how much this hurts and what my fears are
4. supportive friends who challenge me and also understand and listen to my journey
5. a fridge full of local and organic food to properly fuel my body
6. the freedom to work from home so I don’t have to be “strong” all the time
7. a life full of love
9. the safe space in relationships to be goofy
Top 5 fears:
1. being left
2. being cheated on
3. death of a loved one
4. outgrowing my significant other
5. running out of money
I think there will be deeper work that will have to be done to really figure out the lessons learned for each one. One thing I know is this: being left in one way, shape or form is one of my greatest fears…being alone. I have always felt I am easy to leave. After talking to my dad, he reminded me, “Anne, you are not easy to leave. It is that you have dated people who left easily. There’s a big difference.” I know I am a very confident and independent woman when on my own. I have moved halfway across the country a couple times, I have left an unhappy marriage, I have moved out on my own after 4 1/2 years of being in a relationship, I have left a job to grow my own business, I have gotten divorced and become stronger after the fact…I know how to pick up the pieces and move on. The reality, though, is that while in a relationship I enjoy being taken care of and sometimes it feels so nice to just lean on someone and not have to “do it all” anymore. I have found an incredible man who is loving, affectionate, makes me feel on top of the world, makes me feel that I am capable of anything, makes me laugh hysterically and the thought of not having that on a daily basis for 8 weeks feels like I am losing that.
The Universe is giving me an assignment: I need to learn how to continue to be independent WHILE in a relationship and not allow anyone else to have control over my happiness. Who I am should not change whether I’m with someone or alone. So as much as I would like to pout, I need to remember this is happening FOR me and not TO me.
Thank you, Universe. Thank you for reminding me the work on myself is not done. When I am in a happy place in my life, it is way too easy to think the self-growth is done and I can coast. Self-growth is never done. I know I need to revisit these fears and find the root cause but for tonight, I will try my damnedest to focus on gratitude because, well, it’s the only attitude today.