I am a control freak. The thought of releasing control makes me feel like I’ve decided to just give up. I’ve never had anything NOT work out based on releasing control, but it always feels like if everything could just go the way I planned it and envisioned it in my head then life would just be so much easier. Am I right?

Except so many things in life we can’t control…like people. And that’s the thing, it’s not like I enjoy being controlled (it’s quite the opposite, actually) either. Here’s the thing about manifesting ANYTHING, though, you have to release control of the outcome. You have to fully believe, “It’s this or something better.” How hard is that, though, when there’s something you REALLY want?

I went to church on Sunday and it was actually physically painful to be there. I had a hard time just sitting and listening. I wanted to get up and walk out, but I decided to stay for the sermon on stillness. He talked about having a day off to do nothing and how he had everything planned from the book he was going to read, to the knitting he was going to do, to the movies he was going to watch. Then, he just couldn’t sit still long enough to do any of those things. He ended up finding a secluded bench away from everything, in the cold winter, to just sit and be. The thought of having to sit with myself, to just sit with my thoughts, sounded horrible. The anxiety began to increase and as soon as church was over I darted out of there.

I came home and was reminded of how many things in my current situation are completely out of my control. The ONLY thing I currently have control over is myself. My thoughts. My actions. My happiness. My joy. In that moment, I fell apart. I had had some amazing days of loving my life, loving myself, and finding true happiness in this current process of growth. I texted my dad, sobbing, “I’m having a struggling moment when I can’t find my happiness. I’m having a hard time connecting to and feeling God today.” For someone who is still new on my spiritual path, that text alone feels SO WEIRD to type out and share.

My dad’s response was perfect, “I have those days myself, and I realize it’s not that God is far away but that some things in life are just hard to go through.”

That’s what it was. I was having a moment when releasing control was hard. Trusting and believing, “It’s this or something better” is a hard concept to wrap your mind around when your heart is breaking and you feel like things are falling apart. Keeping the faith when every angle is showing you you’re crazy for still believing takes a lot of spiritual strength.

Releasing an outcome takes practice. There have been moments when I’ve felt like, “If I release the outcome, how will the Universe know that I still want it?” The ego is quick to speak up, “If you release control, you’re giving up your control. You’re giving up your power. You’re powerless. How does that feel? You just gave up complete control of your life. Congrats.”

That’s not what it is, though. Controlling energy is negative energy and others can feel it. Wanting to be in control of everything is telling the Universe I think I have a better plan. Let me just say that I’ve tried it “my way” for 34 years and I’m still stuck in some shit I don’t want to be in. I think at this point, it’s safe to say the Universe has a better plan than I do.

Yesterday I released control again and when the anxiety tried to come back I stopped myself. “Stop. This is not something you have control over. Let it go. Focus on what you can. Focus on what you DO have control over.” Today, with that energy, it is the most free I have felt in days. I have felt creative, inspired, joyful…and most of all, I have felt that no matter what I am enough.

It doesn’t matter that it feels like my life is falling apart around me. It doesn’t matter that some days I wonder how the hell I’m still standing. In the moments where it feels like I either have to laugh or cry, I choose to believe, “It will all work out because it has to. It’s this or something better. The Universe has my back.” I let go of the outcome, I release control, and each and every day I take inspired action towards the life I deserve to live.