Yesterday I listened to another seminar, this time about forgiveness. It made me think of all the people in my life I could forgive. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re ok with what happened, it means you’re choosing to release the anger and other negative feelings that go along with that situation. Forgiveness is a way of choosing love and inner peace.

This morning, I sat down to read my chapter and assignment for the day and I saw it was about forgiveness. My first thought? “Awesome! I was JUST thinking yesterday about working on forgiving some people.” Then I read “We begin this day by releasing self-hatred and self-attack through the practice of forgiveness.” I just started crying. I was ready to start forgiving others, not myself yet. I’ve tried self forgiveness before and it can be very uncomfortable, yet powerful.

This morning’s reflection:

“Today I let myself off the hook. I look upon my life’s experiences with a loving eye. I forgive myself for all my fearful thoughts and actions. I know that when I let go of my anger and self attack I will recalibrate my loving presence within. I forgive myself and clear space for loving guidance to set in. Today, self-forgiveness is my primary function.”

After reading the reflection, I felt a sense of calmness wash over me. I’ve been feeling really guilty and selfish the last few days for not wanting him to go to Kenya. I felt like I was supposed to be strong all the time, hold in the tears (although I’ve been told numerous times it’s always ok to cry it out) and be that supportive girlfriend who is independent, strong and has her shit together. Today I felt I had extra permission to not be perfect. It felt ok to have been selfish and have irrational fears and feelings.

Today’s affirmation: “I forgive myself for choosing fear. Today I choose love instead.”

Tonight I find it difficult to even do my assignments. We had such an amazing day going to brunch, IKEA and then out to eat after. In those moments, I’m so grateful to have found such a fun, loving partner and although I know we have an unlimited amount of time for those moments, I’m in denial that he’ll be gone for 8 weeks of it. Then tonight, we sit down at the table to do work together and the blinking cursor somehow reminds me of what reality is.

So onto the first part: List 5 ways you’ve projected fear onto your life.

1. Fear: I always get my heart broken.
Loving response: This fear is not serving me. I forgive this fear and choose love instead.

2. Fear: Happiness never lasts.
Loving response: This fear is not serving me. I forgive this fear and choose love instead.

3. Fear: I am easy to leave.
Loving response: This fear is not serving me. I forgive this fear and choose love instead.

4. Fear: I’m ALMOST good enough, but not quite enough.
Loving response: This fear is not serving me. I forgive this fear and choose love instead.

5. Fear: I’m never able to hit my goal weight/size.
Loving response: This fear is not serving me. I forgive this fear and choose love instead.

“When you forgive your fear, you acknowledge that it isn’t real.”

The final task for the night….a forgiving letter to myself addressing my fears. Here we go…

Dear Anne,
I know you are afraid of being left for 8 weeks because it feels like you’re being left once again. It feels scary, uncertain and as though you have no control or power over what happens. It’s hard to believe that happiness ever lasts because you have yet to have any proof in your own relationships that it’s true. It feels as though you’re easy to leave because when you were dating Jeff, you came home to all his stuff gone. That was such a heart-wrenching feeling. It’s hard to believe you’re good enough or worthy enough because even when you were married, Charlie chose not to fight for you and your marriage. It feels as though you’re never able to hit your goal size/weight because you tend to slip back into old habits, especially during emotionally challenging times. Through all those fears, remember this: I am willing to see this differently. I am willing to see love.

You’re going to get through this. You have a man who loves you and you’re not the same woman you were when you dated Jeff or when you first married Charlie. You know you have some deep rooted issues from being raped but Anne, you’re dealing with that pain. You’re taking care of yourself and fueling your body with nutrient-dense food and you workout daily. You know what to do and are capable of hitting your goals. While Richard is gone, enjoy that time. Remember how much you looked forward to independence and time to yourself after you left your marriage. Remember those mornings, sitting in your office with a cup of coffee looking out the window. Enjoy your afternoons sitting under the weeping willow trees and if you need to weep, that’s ok too. Be grateful for attracting such an amazing person into your life. Remember how well he treats you. Remember how he opens doors, is affectionate, makes you laugh, dances with you in the kitchen, tells you how beautiful you are, is proud to hold your hand and be seen with you, brings you flowers, takes care of your cats, cooks for you, tells you how amazing you are and that he’s not going anywhere. It’s ok to trust him. It’s ok to trust yourself. I know you have questioned your judgement in the past but Anne, there are no red flags. You’ve looked for them, other people have looked for them, it’s ok to take a deep breath and just be grateful for the love you have in your life.

8 weeks feels like it will be an eternity, but know that this will probably be the last 8 week stretch for a very long time, if ever. He supported you when you went to LA, he supported your trip to Italy, he supported your hard work and the trip you earned to the Bahamas and Jamaica and encouraged you to extend it to see friends in Gainesville. Treat him with the same love and respect and just trust. It’s so incredibly scary to trust, but you don’t want to live the rest of your life being with someone you choose not to trust for no other reason than just because you’re scared.

We’ll get through this.