This morning I woke up with a very heavy heart. I found out a couple weeks ago that my boyfriend had been recommended for a summer internship…in Kenya. Even though it’s an incredible opportunity for him, the thought of him being gone for 8 weeks is a bit much. Yesterday it became a lot more real, as he spoke with a woman on the phone about it and I heard just how interested she was in him for the opportunity. I want to be supportive. I want to cheer him on and tell him how proud I am of him and yet fear and selfishness was all I could muster up. As I rolled out of bed, and dragged my feet into my office, I sent love out to many friends of mine on Facebook. I kept thinking, “Love over fear. Choose love. Send out love.”

When I pulled out my May Cause Miracles book, the morning reflection hit me like a ton of bricks:

“Today I am willing to see things differently. Today I am willing to change my mind. I know a simple shift in perception will create a miraculous shift. I know change is what I need. I surrender, I am willing, I am ready to see love. ~ing, show me what you’ve got. Show me the way.”

Today’s daily affirmation:
“I am willing to see this differently. I am willing to see love.”

Saying that affirmation felt like I was saying it with my fingers crossed behind my back. I DO want to see this differently. I DO want to see love and yet, my fear and emotions continue to take over. It feels like I’m being left once again. It feels as though I am easy to leave, something I have always felt at the end of any relationship of mine. I know this is not the end of the relationship, yet the emotional triggers are there. Shortly after I read my morning activity, an affirmation I scheduled in my phone days ago popped up:

“Relationships are assignments for optimal growth and healing.” Ugh. Have I mentioned how much self-growth sucks sometimes??

So onto tonight’s exercise, my fears from today:

*I fear that we will grow in separate directions over the 8 weeks in Kenya.
(I am willing to see love instead of this)

*I fear that I will fall into old habits and patterns and push you away, sabotaging our relationship before we ever see what it could truly be.
(I am willing to see love instead of this)

*I fear that I am not strong and independent enough to get through the 8 weeks without being an emotional, depressed mess.
(I am willing to see love instead of this)

*I fear that you will experience something without me that I will never truly be able to understand.
(I am willing to see love instead of this)

*I fear that you will realize you don’t want to be with me.
(I am willing to see love instead of this)

*I fear that I will enjoy the independence so much that our relationship will change when you return.
(I am willing to see love instead of this)

When I decided to take this journey and ordered the book a week ago, I thought this journey would be about financial fears and living in abundance with my business. Sometimes the Universe smacks us in the face with lessons and things from our past we haven’t cleared up yet and tells us, “No, this is what you will be working on right now.”

I listened to one of Gabby’s seminars earlier today about Fearless Relationships. One quote really stuck out to me: “Every time we put someone on a pedestal and they fall, we fall with them.”

As much as I would like nothing more than to curl up into a ball and cry in bed, I have months before the 8 weeks start in June. So, for the time leading up to it and during those 8 weeks and beyond, it’s time for me to not put anyone else on a pedestal and continue to live the badass life I want and deserve. I will have time to continue to work on myself, blog, go to yoga, meet friends for coffee and lunch, watch whatever I want whenever I want, cook whatever I want and eat all the leftovers, eat lots of beets and mushrooms…and know that when the 8 weeks are over, I have an amazing man returning to me who has always supported me, my dreams, my growth and my travel.

So often life doesn’t go as we planned, but what we have to decide is if the people we choose to keep in our lives make our life better. If they do, then fight for them.