So yesterday was a fun trigger I worked through.
I’m going to share what I worked through in a romantic relationship, but my awareness can absolutely be applied to ANY difficult relationship you’re working through. Because what it really boils down to is this:
Once you TRULY see and understand that anyone outside of you is actually you, GAME. CHANGED. Like…once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Are you ready for that kind of awareness?
So, I’ve said that this guy I’ve been hanging out with has been reflecting to me non-stop, right? Right. Well, it got to the point where I was seriously at the point of, “Fuck this shit. Is it even worth it? No, not really.”
Victim mode: “He’s not respecting me. He’s being unclear. He’s being flaky. I don’t like feeling like I’m waiting on someone. I’m not going to chase.” Completely focused on what HE was doing vs looking at where I was triggered and what it was bringing up within me.
So, I reached out to my coach.
Why do I have a coach when I can easily teach this shit to others? Because when you are in the depths of a trigger, EVEN with amazing awareness, setting your ego aside long enough to look at what is really going on takes immense willpower and love. My coach didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. She simply reflected back to me what I was saying and doing to myself THROUGH him.
As she was reflecting back to me, it hit me, “Fuck. I made him my source again.” Making others my source is an old fucking pattern. It’s a deep-rooted pattern as a codependent (or a recovering codependent, really). I really compare codependency to a drug or alcohol addiction. It’s not like once you work through it, it magically disappears. You have to be aware and on your shit. You have to notice when you start to slip and catch yourself before you get too deep back into old habits and patterns.
“I guess I got lost in the moment
I guess I got lost in the fall
I guess I got lost in your heartbeat
In the thrill of it all”
The Thrill of it All by Sam Smith
I had to go through detox again for a few hours yesterday, and it was really fucking uncomfortable. Ego was pissed. Ego was pitching a motherfucking fit. Ego was all in my head like, “Break it off. Tell him to go fuck himself. Unleash the wrath of Anne.” Thank God my soul came in, “You’ve been here before. This is what ended your previous relationship. It’ll feel great in the moment and then you’re going to feel like shit after. This is a lesson. This is your chance to show [yourself, God, Universe] your growth and what you’ve truly learned. This is how you show you’re ready for more.”
So as uncomfortable as it was, I stopped and turned the focus inward.
What I wanted to tell him: “I’m over the ball being in your court”
What was really going on: I had given him my power.
As I typed out (to my coach) everything I wanted to tell him, it became very obvious how confused I was. I wasn’t clear within myself on what I wanted, therefore he was reflecting back to me all the confusion, which created major contrast, which was serving me. The contrast was helping me get really fucking crystal clear on what I wanted.
Other people will always reflect back to us (and trigger within us) what is truly going on within us. That is why I ALWAYS say: Where you’re triggered is where the work is. Not to fix, but to get crystal fucking clear and confident.
What was I wanting from him? It was time to give it to myself again.
I wanted to feel heard. I wanted to feel like my desires, my needs, my voice mattered. Who was I actually wanting that from? Me. I didn’t need him to hear me, I needed to hear myself. Once I got out everything I was wanting to say to him and was able to really see how I was creating it all within myself, the tension in my gut immediately released.
Once I released and started giving to myself everything I was wanting, he texted. I was immediately triggered again, “Oh NOW you text when it’s fucking convenient for you?” Triggered. DON’T EVER REPLY WHILE IN A TRIGGERED STATE. EVER. I put the phone down and waited. I waited until I was calm. I waited until I was centered. I waited until he was no longer my source. I waited until I truly didn’t care whether the conversation continued or not.
So the question then that typically pops up (for me too) is: So then what? People just get to do whatever the fuck they want and you just accept it?
No. Once you are connected to YOU, to your source, you become very centered and confident in what it is you want and from that place you are able to speak your truth. You’re able to speak your truth without needing anyone else to do anything different in order to make you happy. Last night, I still was not clear. I filled my cup before bed, felt deep love and confidence within myself, and went to bed. Do not go to bed angry. Do not go to bed triggered.
This morning I woke up to another text from him and I felt triggered again, so I waited. WHY was I triggered? Because I felt again the ball was in his court. I felt like I didn’t have power again. I felt like I was depending on whatever the fuck he wanted when it was convenient for him.
What did I do? I started to write a letter to him. I wrote out all the things I wanted to say to him and then it turned into questions.
“Where do you go? What do you do? What goes through your head? Why can you not use your voice to tell me? Why do you hold back? Why do you seem to put up a wall to not show me the real you?”
^^^^^ All questions I’m actually asking myself. Do you see that? I’m asking for more clarity from myself. If I continue to be unclear, he will continue to reflect the lack of clarity back to me until I get crystal fucking clear on what I do want. And that is where your power comes in. That’s when crystal clear fucking boundaries are able to be set, when you’re not triggered. When you’re clear and confident in what YOU want.
He was trying to find a time to come see me. My codependent pattern is to say, “Whatever works for you.” But that’s not how I TRULY feel. The more I wrote to him, the clearer I got that I don’t want him coming next weekend. I rarely get time here without anyone around and my friend will be gone for the holidays. Next weekend I get to be alone, which I have been craving! I’ve been wanting to spend the holidays alone. My soul has been craving that. If I told him “whenever works for you” and he came next weekend, I would not be honoring myself. I would not be honoring my soul. I would be handing my power away.
So here’s the thing: You don’t have to know all the answers right away. You don’t have to know what you want 3 months from now, you just have to know what you want now, in this moment. I have no fucking clue what I want 2 weeks from now. But I do know what I want a week from now and without the contrast I received in the past 2 days, I wouldn’t have been smacked in the face to take a look at how I was not honoring myself.
When he disappears, he’s reflecting back to me what my insecurities actually are. With that awareness, I have extreme compassion for him. Because, well, I’m actually having compassion for myself. It automatically shifts me into wanting to give myself more love and attention. It connects me to my inner child (remember ego screaming at me earlier? Ego = inner child…the screaming was a call for love, love for myself. “Give me more. Love me more. Pay attention to me. Tell me I matter. Spend time with me.”)
I know that is a lot for you to take in. So what are your important takeaways?
*When you’re triggered, stop.
*When you’re triggered, ask yourself “What is this triggering? How am I feeling?”
*If you’re wanting to go off on someone, HONOR your feelings. Write it out, get it out so you can see what’s really going on within you
*Ask yourself, “Where am I currently unclear? How is this contrast helping me to get clarity on what I do want?”
*Ask yourself, “What do I want?”
*Fill your cup, fill your cup, fill your cup
*Give it to yourself and watch the reflection start to shift and change to what it is you DO want