“It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless just enough
Who’ll get hurt
But who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised
And gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day
‘Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone but used to be mine”
She Used to Be Mine by Sara Bareillis
The past week has been tough, to be honest. I’ve been retreating a lot, trying to find my footing in this in between week between Christmas and New Year’s and the more I’ve retreated, the guiltier I have felt for everyone else I haven’t been showing up for.
Funny, isn’t it? That the one main thing I teach others to do is what I have been feeling guilty about.
I’ve been needing more time to myself, but yet I’ve been trying to hide it, pretending I haven’t needed it. I’ve tried to show up just enough that others wouldn’t notice, but the more I’ve tried to force it, the less I’ve wanted to do it. Remember “What you resist, persists”? Yeah, that. It’s still true.
I was battling guilt around the holidays because I had a family member text me out of the blue, “Why the fuck aren’t you coming to Minnesota?” The people pleaser in me was immediately triggered. I knew I didn’t want to go and I knew why I didn’t want to go, but I felt like no matter what reason I gave wasn’t going to be good enough. There were a million reasons I could justify for not wanting to go, but the core reason was simply: I didn’t want to go.
2017 has been a tough year, to say the least.
There have been many amazing things and many things that I set out to do that have come to fruition. But for the majority of the year, I feel like I have simply just been getting by. Admitting this and writing this is really fucking hard for me. I feel like as a coach I’m supposed to have all my shit together. I’m supposed to know how it all works out so I can help others get to the “other side”. But the honest truth is that each person’s “other side” is completely different. The reality is that the journey is never done. And the more time we spend trying to have it all figured out or appear to have our shit together, the more we miss out on the true journey of life. Then we end up sitting here in tears asking ourselves, “Where the fuck has the past year gone?”
Last night I was watching the show Easy on Netflix. I had watched the first 2 episodes awhile ago and then stopped for no reason in particular. I was reminded of it, so I got back into watching it, completely forgetting that it was filmed in Chicago.
I have such a love-hate relationship with Chicago. I wanted it so badly to be something it ended up not being at this point in my life. Who knows if I’ll end up going back at some point and trying again. (I just realized I never shared what I really wanted to share about not going to Minnesota for Christmas. I’ll get back to it, just hang with me….)
As I continued to watch the show, I saw so many scenes filmed in my old neighborhood (even my old yoga studio!) and all the old memories started to flood back in. I thought back to this time last year. I was finally starting to realize who I was, while trying to put my old relationship back together. We were broken up, but still living together. And to be quite honest, we were still sleeping together. I was trying to figure out how to grow into this person I knew I could be, but while still trying to hold onto what I had. I wanted him, no matter what that looked like. I felt like when I met him, I was starting to figure out my true independence. I was learning what I did and didn’t want, but slipped back into the vision I had with my ex husband. It was the only vision I had of my life: marriage and kids, freedom of travel working for myself, making enough to support my spouse so we could all be free together.
There were so many pieces to that old vision that didn’t work. I realized I didn’t want kids and my ex boyfriend wanted to work multiple jobs. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t put those pieces together in a way that worked for us and I ended up angry. I was so angry that the puzzle was almost complete and yet, there was that one piece that just simply did not fit no matter how hard we tried to force it. I could not wrap my head, though, around throwing something away that was so close to “perfect”.
Since the ending of that relationship, I don’t feel like I’ve completely gotten myself back. There have been amazing pieces and glimpses of her, for sure. I have moments where I feel the most myself I have ever felt. Over time, I get more and more clear on what it is I want.
“It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over”
^^^^ That has been my entire life.
My life has been a perfect example of what happens when you don’t listen to your soul, when you worry so much about others’ perceptions of you that you to the point of people pleasing before putting your needs first.
Your life fucking falls apart.
I thought I wanted a life, married with kids. I thought I wanted it so badly, I was willing to not pay attention to red flags and marry a man I knew was wrong for me. The vision I had of my life was acceptable to others. It was a life others could understand. So when that marriage fell apart, I held onto the vision and tried to find someone new to fill the void. Enter: my previous relationship
Neither of us were looking for anything serious at the time, it just so happened that we fell head over heels in love. I never once asked myself what I truly wanted. I just wanted him to fit into the vision that I had previously created for my life. The problem is that we didn’t truly want the same thing. Or so we thought. Looking back now, I think we actually do want the same thing, but we spent so long fighting over what we didn’t want that we never took the time to look at what we DO want. He got to know a version of me who, at my core, I really wasn’t.
You know the ending to that story.
You also know that the end of that relationship prompted me living a life on the road.
But what also prompted it was a certain feeling:
“And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing inside her
‘Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone but used to be mine”
My purpose of getting rid of all my shit and hitting the road was not necessarily the same as for others who do it. I’m sure we each have our own reasons. I truly needed, though, to get rid of everything from a life that was built on the expectations of others in order to find what it is that I truly desire out of my own life.
I have found that my choices have triggered and offended others. “Why are you getting rid of _________? Why aren’t you coming back for the holidays? Why aren’t you doing the things you used to do? Where are you going next? When are you getting to California?”
I have found that me being unsettled is unsettling a lot of other people in my life. “We miss you and want you here.”
Does it feel good to be missed? Sure. But with being missed often comes an expectation of, “And when are you coming back?”
The truth is, I miss myself. I’ve been missing myself. I haven’t truly known myself for most of my life. Think of someone you miss. Now think of not having seen them for 35 years. That’s how much I miss myself.
I have to do this for myself, regardless of how others feel about it. I have to do this for myself because if I continue to live a life where I am untrue to who I am at my core, my life will continue to fall apart over and over and over again. And to be quite honest, I can’t continue to live a life with that much heartache. I can’t continue to live a life that constantly falls apart, where I hit rock bottom and have to rebuild from the ground up.
Yes, I’m a fighter, but I’m tired. I don’t have that kind of strength anymore.
2017 was a tough year for all of us.
No matter what did or didn’t happen, love yourself enough to start saying “yes” to yourself before anyone else. Love yourself enough to upset others if the alternative is risking your own happiness and sanity. Love yourself enough to do the things that others don’t understand if in your heart it feels right. Love yourself enough to not live up to the expectations of others.