Today was another big fucking trigger.
I’m still working through how I share this without ego getting in the way, but I think it’s important to share because I strive to be as real and as authentic as possible.
Ego has just been all in my face like, “No one wants to learn from someone who doesn’t have their shit together.” But the truth is, we never really have our shit together. One person may have their shit together in one area, whereas another person has their shit together in another area.
I believed for a long time that I couldn’t teach on certain topics because I hadn’t achieved certain milestones. One coach I looked up to said it was not in integrity, although I can sit here and pinpoint very specific ways her teaching and how she chooses to live her life are completely out of integrity.
An actual mentor of mine explained it to me in a way that made sense to me, “No, Anne. Living in integrity is living what you teach and wholeheartedly believing what you teach. That’s it.” I compared it to how I used to teach in the classroom. Just because I never became an astronaut and visited outer space didn’t mean I couldn’t teach on space. There were lots of things I had never personally experienced, yet I believed them to be true and taught them.
Otherwise, as a coach, you can keep yourself really stuck if you believe you have to achieve certain levels of success before you’re “qualified” to teach on anything. One thing I know really fucking well is how your thoughts create your reality. Period. You don’t even have to take my word for it, you can see how it plays out in your own life if you look closely enough at what you think and what your outer world is showing you.
Anyway, today was the deadline to sign up for 2018 insurance. I waited until the last minute because, well, that’s what I do. I procrastinate like a motherfucker. I had no concerns about it. I’ve signed up for it in previous years and it was easy. I updated my application, I chose my plan, and I paid before the end of the year to start coverage on 1/1. Easy, right?
So today I sat down, updated my application, and looked at my options and the premiums were way more than what I was currently able to pay. Immediately, I was triggered. I felt frustration, anger, wanting to say “fuck it” and give up. Zero to 60, immediately.
As I read through my eligibility letter, I saw that although I did “technically” qualify for another option, I had been rejected and my only other option was to sign up with no tax credits, but then the premium was more than I was able to pay today (because payment was due today, not December 31). So basically…no insurance for 2018.
I immediately started crying and started tapping into what was coming up for me.
I fucked up.
I broke the rules.
I wasn’t good enough.
I’ve been noticing that I have this duality when it comes to my rule breaking. I have no problem going against the grain and “breaking the rules” per se in certain areas of my life, but when it comes to other areas, I hold a lot of shame around those areas.
Money or anything having to do with money is a big one.
I immediately went into, “What will my parents think? What will my tax guy think?” I mean honestly, who gives a shit what my tax guy thinks but yet, it totally crossed my mind. I became very aware of how I was allowing my external circumstances to dictate how I felt. Something I no longer had any control over was allowing me to break down into tears, freak out, and feel less than worthy.
What was the truth?
I was safe.
I was secure.
I couldn’t remember the last time I used my insurance.
There were other ways to receive the services I did use without insurance.
I hadn’t broken any rules.
I was still worthy.
My spiritual truth is that insurance is a fear tactic. Why do we have insurance? “Just in case” something bad happens. We prepare for the worst. On some level, I didn’t want to give into fear based living anymore. Let me clarify that insurance and healthcare are completely different in my eyes. I 100% believe in affordable healthcare and what we have is not currently affordable for many out there. That is not my fault. It is not my fault that I chose to be an entrepreneur and not have an employer to help pay for my insurance.
On some level (I mean, on every level truly, but….), I completely created my reality. I have broken further and further outside of the box. I believe my soul is just giving the middle finger to everything around me like, “Watch this, motherfuckers” and my human self is just sitting here in shock like, “So this is the path we’re going down, huh? Alright…..let’s see where this leads.”
“I still fall on my face sometimes and I
Can’t color inside the lines ’cause
I’m perfectly incomplete
I’m still working on my masterpiece”
In the moment of the trigger, I swore I had hit rock bottom again. I swore I had fallen on my face in a way I never had before, but as I worked through it, as I reminded myself of what is ACTUALLY true, what is spiritually true, I was reminded that everything is always working out FOR me.
I could look at it as, “OMG I have an entire year until I can apply again” or “What an interesting year this is going to be. I’m sure something incredible will happen that I can’t quite see, and no matter what I know I’m safe, supported, and always taken care of. Everything always works out for me.”
Life is always working out for you even in the moments you SWORE you fucked up. Allow yourself to fall. Allow yourself to get back up. Allow yourself to be perfectly incomplete. Allow yourself to always be working on your masterpiece. It’s never done. You have your entire life to work on it and it never has to be perfect…ever.