Today is the year anniversary of when I came to Sedona for the first time. I was staying in Phoenix at a friend’s place, but the plan was to leave at the beginning of November. I had every intention of leaving Arizona when my friend returned from her trip and I decided I needed to visit Sedona before leaving the state.
It’s surreal to reflect back on who I was as a woman back then. I had come so far on my journey and yet the fear and anxiety still filled my body. The scarcity still had a fierce grip on me and I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of always feeling unsettled right below the surface.
I didn’t know what to expect from Sedona. I knew it was a sacred space for so many and I had heard stories about the magic of her energy, but I didn’t know how intensely I would experience it as soon as I drove in and saw the red rocks towering overhead. I’ll never forget the beauty that engulfed me and the energy I felt buzzing through my body as it stimulated a deep sense of being turned on that I had never experienced from nature alone.
I found my way to Mystic Trail, a trail I intuitively found, and walked down a little bit before plopping myself down on a rock to sit and take it all in. It was magical. I didn’t have the desire to stay in Arizona at the time, but I wanted to spend more time in Sedona. I simply had no clue how it would all pan out for me.
I was on a dating app and matched with two men in particular I was in the beginning stages of getting to know. It seemed ridiculous to date in Phoenix, knowing I was intending to leave, but I knew there was something for me in the two men I was talking to.
As I drove out of Sedona that evening, I was full of so much joy and love, I couldn’t help but let it out through sheer laughter.
“When you become your own lover and source of joy, love, and happiness, what more do you need? When the sheer beauty of life has the power to fill you up instantly, why a partner?
Because relationships are where we heal the wounds we cannot heal alone” – IG post October 27, 2019
Although I did not enter into any long-term or committed partnerships, I see how my writing was foreshadowing what was to come. I had become so independent I actually feared commitment. It was the shadow side of being a nomad. I was a nomad for reasons only my soul knew and it also shone a light on the dark corners I didn’t want to look at.
I was about to enter into a season of relationships. I thought the relationship would lead to a partner (and at some point it will), but what I was about to learn was that there was still unhealed trauma buried deep within me that needed to come to the surface first to be healed.
“I noticed I had disrespected myself in the name of loving men.” -IG post, October 26, 2019.
I loved men so deeply, I abandoned myself. Over the next year, I was abandoned by multiple men, driving home the realization that I can never and will never abandon myself. Every time a man walked away, I was forced to lean into my love for myself on a level deeper than I ever could have imagined.
One night, one of the men channeled a message for me. “It’s not your fault he left you.” As I stared at the words that had been texted to me, I started sobbing. As I revisit those words, knowing the timing of when they were sent, I know Spirit was comforting me, regarding how things went down with my ex in 2016. I blamed and punished myself for years and wanted desperately to rid myself of that blame.
“It’s not your fault he left you” was also a message for the future. Every man who left had unhealed pain I felt as he walked away. I was the woman who awakened something within him and watched him walk away. I had to heal all the stories and beliefs that told me I was the reason he left. I had to accept that a man’s unhealed pain had nothing to do with me—I just illuminated for him where he still hurt.
During that time, I was learning about the 4 core wounds (according to Matt Kahn)—Abuse, Neglect, Codependency, Loss. I honestly believed I had already healed those core wounds and on some level, I had. As with any lesson, they come back around again in order for us to not only see how far we’ve come, but to deepen our level of understanding.
The last year has been more challenging than I imagined, and magical at the same time. Every time I return to Sedona, I am reminded of every man I brought with me on an energetic level. Every time I came here, I healed on a deeper level. I understood life more multidimensionally.
During one of my trips, I tried to get Sedona to be for me what I thought I wanted and needed, which only created massive resistance in my body. I was angry that I couldn’t seem to recreate the magic I experienced the first time I drove in. I then heard the message, “Let Sedona heal you.”
I needed to surrender. There was nothing to do. Simply being in her energy was powerful enough. I just needed to surrender to the power of her energy and receive the healing I needed. As soon as I surrendered, I sobbed while sitting alone on a hiking trail, and in that moment I felt more connected to Sedona than I ever had.
From then on, she became a partner of mine. She gave to me and I gave to her. We had a mutual respect for one another that cannot be described, only experienced. Every time I return, I can feel her energy engulfing me with a big, warm, “Welcome home.”