I stepped back a bit from sharing much of my Paleo lifestyle, but I also know that so many of my friends are interested in learning more about Paleo, what I love, and where to get it. So…I’m gonna make it easy for you! Here are some of my favorite Paleo products just for you!

Since going Paleo, I thought I would totally miss pasta. I do eat GF pasta periodically, but I LOVE my spiralizer. My favorite veggies to use are zucchini and sweet potatoes. I’ve tried carrots, but those didn’t work so well. In the summer, cucumbers are great for a cold “pasta” salad.

Purchase here: Paderno World Cuisine A4982799 Tri-Blade Vegetable Spiral Slicer

Coconut aminos are a great substitute for soy sauce! Coconut Secret also has some amazing subs for garlic sauce and teriyaki. These are always my go-to options for any stir fry dishes I make. Meat + veggies + coconut aminos (add some garlic and ginger)…simple and delicious!

Purchase here: Coconut Secret Bundle Teriyaki Sauce, Garlic Sauce and Aminos (3-Pack)

Coconut sugar is my substitute for any refined (or even raw) sugar. It has a lower glycemic index than regular sugar and retains many nutrients found in the coconut palm. It has a deeper flavor, similar to brown sugar, but can be subbed at a 1:1 ratio for regular white or raw sugar. For any of my non coconut-loving fans, it doesn’t even taste like coconut!

Purchase here: Nutiva Coconut Sugar 16 oz

Coconut oil. Man oh man! This is the solution for everything! Beware, though, if you have animals and use it on your body…you will get licked to death! I obviously use it for cooking because it is better for higher temp cooking. I’ve also used it as a face cleanser, a moisturizer, and blended in coffee. You pretty much just can’t go wrong with coconut oil!

Purchase here: Viva Naturals The Finest Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil, 16 Ounce

Shout out to Chicago! RX bars are made in Chicago and they are delicious! They are really chewy, but I love these as a quick snack to take with me when I’m traveling or on the go at all. There is a variety pack available so you can try multiple flavors. My favorites, though, are the chocolate sea salt, blueberry, and maple sea salt.

Purchase here: RxBar Real Food Protein Bars Variety Pack, 7 Flavors

Sometimes you just want to use a mix that isn’t full of shit. Am I right? When I found these Simple Mills mixes I was so excited to try them and they are good! I’m so grateful that more and more is becoming available without adding in fillers that are unhealthy for us. I’ve only tried the chocolate and pumpkin, but I would imagine the banana is just as good!

Purchase here: Simple Mills Variety Pack Almond Flour Baking Mixes, Gluten Free, Paleo, Natural, Banana, Pumpkin & Chocolate (Pack of 3)

Once I learned how easy it was to make cashew milk, I was hooked! Some people believe cashews are expensive; however cashew pieces are cheaper PLUS making your own cashew milk is cheaper than buying it and it has no preservatives! The one key to getting cashew pieces, though, is to make sure you get them raw. I can’t imagine much worse than making milk from salted cashews.

Purchase here: Sincerely Nuts Raw Cashew Pieces Unsalted- Three (3) Lb. Bag – Sensationally Scrumptious – Total Freshness – Filled with Healthy Nutrients- Kosher

Homemade yogurt? Yes! I got into a kick for a long time where I was making coconut milk yogurt on a regular basis. There are a few recipes I’ve tried but the one from Danielle Walker (cookbooks below) was my favorite. Writing this blog, actually, has been helpful because it reminds me of all the things I used to make from scratch that I’ve taken a break from. Time to get back to my yogurt making!

Purchase here: Euro Cuisine 2qt Yogurt and Greek Yogurt Maker with Glass Jar (Red)

I started out with Against All Grain and then bought Meals Made Simple as soon as it was available! I love Danielle’s recipes. Sometimes Paleo recipes can be a little pricey, but Danielle’s recipes are really family friendly with not an insane amount of ingredients. She also has recipes for treats such as: waffles, chocolate chip cookies, and crepes!

Purchase Against All Grain: Against All Grain: Delectable Paleo Recipes to Eat Well & Feel Great

Purchase Meals Made Simple: Danielle Walker’s Against All Grain: Meals Made Simple: Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, and Paleo Recipes to Make Anytime

Enjoy! If you try any of these for the first time, I’d love to hear what you think and which products you liked best!

I’ve always had a lax morning routine, but nothing like I have now. I would usually roll out of bed whenever I would leisurely wake up and then read, meditate if I felt like it, get sucked into Facebook and eventually get my workout in.

Once I learned from Rob Dial from MWF Motivation about how to properly have a routine, everything changed. I immediately felt more productive because I was taking care of what I needed to do for myself FIRST and truly not getting sucked into what was happening in the world.

Some members of my online community have implemented their own morning routine and have already told me that they, too, have seen their days become much more productive! Give it a shot and let me know how it works for you!

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QidV6MZKXo

Want to join our online community? We’d love to have you! Join us here!

The ending of my most recent relationship was not what I wanted. I found myself often thinking or saying to friends and family, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. It wasn’t supposed to end.” The perk (and downside) of having friends who are also deep in their personal growth journey is that you’re often reminded of what you need to hear (even when you don’t want to). “Anne, it was supposed to happen this way because it did.” “Anne, you did the best you could in that moment. You did the best you could with what you had.”

After 2 months of being on a break, breaking up, having boundaries blurred, false hope, and a constant up and down roller coaster…it was coming to an end. I was facing his last night in our apartment, and all I felt was failure. I felt like I had failed us. I felt like I had failed myself. I felt like I had failed staying committed to having the most loving breakup possible. It finally, truly felt broken.

As I dove into Gabby that day, she quoted Kenneth Wapnick and it was exactly what I needed to hear in the moment I felt hopeless. “We should be grateful for all situations that make us most uncomfortable, because without them we could not know there was something unhealed in us.” It was supposed to happen this way because it did.

Reflecting back on the relationship, I do not believe I am a truly codependent person. I believe it was a relationship where 2 people didn’t truly love themselves and tried desperately to love the other person. It’s really easy to have fake confidence for a little bit, until you start to let the other person truly see who you are and where your holes are.

“I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you’.” -Maya Angelou

As he left early the next morning, I felt space and peace as I woke up and started my morning routine. Over the last couple days, I have begun to find myself again and I am constantly reflecting on what I learned from the relationship. I refuse to let this relationship be a waste and I sure as hell do NOT want this lesson from the Universe again. I am determined to use this breakup to launch me into the best possible version of myself.

So far, this is what I have learned:

*Even though I was SO much more myself than in any other relationship, I still lost a piece of myself.
*Someone else thinking I’m amazing cannot replace myself thinking I’m amazing.
*No one will ever believe in me as much as I do, and if they do it still doesn’t matter.
*I am truly blessed to be the one walking away with the most incredible friends and family.
*There are few things more peaceful than drinking coffee while on a meditation pillow, looking out the window.
*Sleeping alone is actually kind of awesome: all the room, no snoring, and I get the cats to myself.
*Cooking for myself is stress-free.
*I enjoy the peacefulness of living alone.
*It is never my fault for how someone feels.
*I truly understand how to create my own happiness.
*My ego might be effing crazy, but I now know how to pinpoint when I’m having an ego attack.
*I’m the only person who needs to embrace my woo-woo.
*I am not responsible for someone else’s unhappiness.
*You cannot want change for someone more than they want it for themselves.
*There is nothing wrong with me. I may not be a fit for someone, but that doesn’t make me wrong.
*The love within a relationship was real. I may never know the truth about certain things, but I felt love, deeply, and therefore it was real.
*Sometimes people come into our lives for a season. Their purpose was never to stay, their purpose was to teach. It is painful and we will try to bargain with God or the Universe to make it different. We must learn to release and stop praying for an outcome. Always pray for the highest good.
*Always, always, always trust the Universe has your back.

When I started my personal growth journey 3 years ago, I had no clue how far I would come in those 3 years. To be honest, most of my growth has truly happened in the last 1 1/2 years. As I browsed my bookshelves to pick my top 10 books that changed my life (an incredibly hard choice!), I smiled just thinking about how these books came to me and where I was in my life when I read them.

These books are in no particular order and of course, there are many more books than just these 10!

1. It Starts With Food
When I started my Paleo journey, I learned about the Whole30. I wasn’t sure I wanted to attempt a Whole30 until I read this book. For me, living a Whole30 lifestyle was not sustainable for me, but I learned so much more about how food affects your body. I always recommend this book to anyone who is suffering from any kind of illness. I’m not a doctor and I can’t diagnose anything; however I have heard amazing stories from people who have cured all kinds of illnesses from changing their diet. I believe in the power of nutrition.

Purchase here:
It Starts With Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways

2. The Gifts of Imperfection
I remember a friend recommending me this book as I was going through my divorce. I had just moved out, but my divorce wasn’t finalized yet. I binge-read and watched Brene Brown and spent a lot of time crying. It was because of this book that I committed to a life of vulnerability in all of my relationships. I was most vulnerable in my most recent relationship and although it ended, there’s not a single part of me that ever regrets being as open and vulnerable as I have been.

Purchase here:
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

3. The Universe Has Your Back
Oh man, I could honestly recommend any Gabby book. If you’re new to spirituality, I would probably recommend Spirit Junkie to learn more about her story. This book is beautiful, though, and has amazing meditations. Gabby’s guided meditations are always my go-to meditations for my daily practice. I’ve only read this book once, but it is definitely one to read multiple times!

Purchase here:
The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith

4. Loving What Is
When I learned about this book, I was having weekly or bi-weekly date nights with one of my best friends. I remember him teaching me about The Work before I had ever read the book. It seemed like such an abstract concept to me at the time, but as I’ve now read this book a couple times and lived by (an have been reminded of) The Work, it gets a little easier. “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.” “How do you know it was supposed to happen that way? Because it did.”

Purchase here:
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

5. You Are a Badass
This book has circulated around the coaching community for years! I will never forget the first time I read it. My life was forever changed. It was probably my first true glimpse into The Universe and spirituality. I also remember reading this book and realizing how closed off my husband at the time was to any kind of spirituality, as I was becoming more and more open to it. After I moved out, I reread this book again and it will probably always be an annual read for me.

Purchase here:
You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life

6. Tiny Beautiful Things
I rememeber when my step-mom told me about Cheryl Strayed. My dad had read Wild and she raved about this book. I was intrigued by the concept of it and decided to borrow it. Around the same time, a couple friends and I created a book and knitting club (we only met twice), but this was the book we chose. Again, I was married at the time and there was something about reading this book that made me envision freedom from my current life. I didn’t consciously know at that time that I was going to leave my marriage, but something about this book led me to believe that my life would be very different. Some of my all-time favorite quotes come directly from this book. It is a beautiful read.

Purchase here:
Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

7. Get Rich, Lucky Bitch
This book was my intro to manifesting. I can’t even remember now who I learned about it from, but I remember learning that it was for anyone who had a negative mindset around money or felt that being rich was a bad thing. This book is SO much more than that! It includes forgiveness work, EFT tapping, breaking through limiting beliefs, etc. I’ve read this twice and the first time chose not to do the activities. The second time I did it, I seriously worked the activities and started to break through more and more of my limiting beliefs around money. This is a necessity for everyone, but especially for female business owners. It is amazing how much we self-sabotage when it comes to our finances!

Purchase here:
Get Rich, Lucky Bitch!: Release Your Money Blocks and Live a First Class Life

8. A Return to Love
I remember being on a cruise last year, sitting in a room with friends talking about spirituality, crystals, tarot cards, and A Course in Miracles. One of my good friends said that she would recommend A Return to Love before beginning A Course in Miracles. I knew that ACIM was where I wanted to head so I took her advice and read Marianne’s book first. Holy shit. This book turned my life upside down in the best way possible. It was the beginning to me truly understanding love over fear and helped me to see everyone in a new light. I remember being a little turned off at first by the religious words, but it became fairly easy for me to switch out God for Universe or Spirit and really take away the value I needed from it.

Purchase here:
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

9. Tears to Triumph
Once I read A Return to Love, I was hooked. I have so many other books of hers on my list. I heard about this book while listening to a Mastin Kipp podcast and the truth really hit me. She talked about how many of us don’t feel our feelings. Instead we think something is wrong with being sad and choose to medicate instead. Learning how to truly feel my feelings was one of my biggest lessons in 2016 and this book really resonated with where I was at in my journey.

Purchase here:
Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment

10. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers
I don’t remember if this book was in the resources section of You Are a Badass, but I remember listening to a podcast where Jen Sincero was the guest and she referenced this book. So obviously I had to read it, right? It’s been years now, but we all have parts of ourselves we like and dislike. The parts we dislike of ourselves are our shadows. We cannot disown our shadows and still be whole. The biggest lesson I learned from this book was that there are ways to use our shadows to our benefit. For me, stubbornness is not the best quality I have. However, when used appropriately it can be extremely useful. Learn what your shadows are and how to use them to your benefit!

Purchase here:
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams

There you have it! Those are 10 books that absolutely changed my life! If you’ve read any of them (or if you decide to read any of them), I would love for you to comment below and let me know what you think! What’s your favorite and why?

I’ll be honest, I don’t plan out my blog topics usually. I write based on inspiration, which can be great…and also stressful if the day comes to send it out and nothing is written yet. The other night I woke up at 2 a.m. with a GREAT blog topic, super heartfelt, and even had the first few lines and an overall outline in my head. I thought, “I should write that down. Nah, I’ll TOTALLY remember it when I wake up because it’s so good.” Famous last words. I still have no clue what I was going to write earlier this week.

So new topic: recapping what I learned in 2016 before being ready to move the fuck on.

1. If you were excited about living alone after your divorce, keep doing that.
2. Growing a business and starting a new relationship is an extreme challenge.
3. Loving yourself isn’t as abstract as it seems.
4. You really ARE the only person responsible for your happiness.
5. It’s okay to continue to outgrow people in order to be the best version of yourself.
6. You should achieve that goal you’ve always wanted to achieve…like run a half marathon.
7. Just because something ends doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.
8. It’s okay to ask for help.
9. It doesn’t HAVE to be hard to make friends in your 30s.
10. The key to EVERYTHING is to feel your feelings.
11. You are not 100% at fault for anything…ever.
12. It’s okay to forgive yourself for your part in any situation.
13. It’s okay to be hurt, but don’t let bitterness seep in.
14. Feelings won’t ACTUALLY kill you.
15. It’s okay to lean on others, but make sure you are supporting yourself.
16. Spirituality isn’t as scary once you’re on the path.
17. Shredding chicken in a food processor is WAY easier than using forks.
18. The number on the scale doesn’t bring you true happiness.
19. Every person in our life is an assignment for us. We choose whether we learn through joy or pain.
20. If your dreams are part of your mission, then no matter how many times you fail you will keep getting up to try it again.
21. Just because your life isn’t what you thought it would be at almost 35 doesn’t mean you did it wrong.
22. Just rip off the damn band-aid…no matter what it is.
23. Letting go is hard, but the uncertainty of holding on can be far more painful.
24. It’s ok to hold on until you know. Nobody else is living your life so their opinions don’t matter.
25. Nobody’s life is perfect on Facebook. Focus on what YOU want, not what others have.
26. If you can’t visualize your future, you may not actually want the things you THINK you want.
27. Boundaries are important. Set them, even with family.
28. Your spiritual energy is a REAL thing. Protect it and don’t leak it out to others.
29. You can’t manifest with negative energy in your life.
30. Meditate.
31. If your cat is playing with something in the dark at 4 a.m. and you don’t recognize it, don’t touch it. It could be poop or it could be a mouse. Touching it never makes sense.
32. Don’t be surprised when your path ends up the way your tarot reading said it would.
33. Find comfort in Angel Numbers.
34. Ask the Universe for fun signs.
35. Do something that scares the SHIT out of you…like apply for the Chicago Marathon and get picked.

2016 was hard. My business declined, I ended a relationship, and the personal growth I went through was extremely painful. I won’t say, “It can’t get any worse” because I know better, but it HAS to get better. My motto is always: It will all work out because it has to. That is the truth. I learned a lot of lessons in 2016 and I plan on showing the Universe I don’t need those assignments again.

2017 is a year 1 (2016 was a year 9, a year of completion), a new beginning. Bring on January 1. It’s time to go big and manifest all the shit I’ve been playing too small to believe I can have.

Time to sage the shit out of this place!

I had a real “punch in the gut” moment last night. A really good friend and I are working on an amazing group coaching option to launch in January, so last night we had a zoom to brainstorm and go over webinar topics. As the second glass of wine was poured and we just started talking about life and everything that has been happening in life recently, it hit me…holy shit. Everything that has been happening is preparing me for what I’ve been ASKING for.

Last year, I had the desire in my heart to write a book. I know I have so many stories inside that need to be shared with others, but as far as an actual topic for the book? I had no clue. All it felt like were just bits and pieces. That’s when I decided I should get into journaling, which led into blogging. Over the summer, I dove into a life coaching course because I felt I needed to offer more to others than just health and fitness coaching.

In the last month, I have been reaching out to my friend consistently when it comes to my spiritual journey and my current relationship. She made the comment, “Everyone always comes to me for spirituality and relationships. That’s like…my thing. But it’s because I had extreme pain I had to work through in both areas.” So as we were chatting last night, it all became very clear: I can’t teach what I don’t know. I can’t coach others through what I haven’t worked through.

Take Gabby Bernstein for instance…she has written many books on her own spiritual journey and how she was struggling with her own codependence while coaching a client through theirs. What did she do? She left her relationship. She left her relationship to force herself to heal. Interestingly enough, he’s now her husband.

As I started to work through my codependence issues, I started to see a very clear vision for what direction my book needs to go. My current relationship journey is still unfolding, but I have a feeling it will become very clear very fast what lesson needs to be learned and shared.

As I continued to chat with Shakti I told her, “So…I’ve been talking to God. I’ve been asking if I can keep what I have if I promise to learn the lesson and teach it to others. Like…for real.”

*Shakti laughing* “Bargaining with God? Yeah, we’ve all been there.”

My emotions currently range from sadness that I had to get punched in the face this way to learn what I needed to learn, and yet also extremely thankful that I have a very clear vision for where I’m headed and what lessons I needed in order to help others.

Far too often, it’s easy to slip right into victim mentality wondering why this is happening TO us. Reframe that question. Why is this happening FOR me? What is the lesson here? What am I supposed to be learning through all of this? What have I REALLY been asking for and how does this actually line up with what I’ve been asking for all along?

The Universe always delivers. You are ALWAYS manifesting, so what are your thoughts manifesting for you? It may not always look like what you pictured, but you are preparing for exactly what you asked for. Learn the lesson and say, “thank you.”

I am a control freak. The thought of releasing control makes me feel like I’ve decided to just give up. I’ve never had anything NOT work out based on releasing control, but it always feels like if everything could just go the way I planned it and envisioned it in my head then life would just be so much easier. Am I right?

Except so many things in life we can’t control…like people. And that’s the thing, it’s not like I enjoy being controlled (it’s quite the opposite, actually) either. Here’s the thing about manifesting ANYTHING, though, you have to release control of the outcome. You have to fully believe, “It’s this or something better.” How hard is that, though, when there’s something you REALLY want?

I went to church on Sunday and it was actually physically painful to be there. I had a hard time just sitting and listening. I wanted to get up and walk out, but I decided to stay for the sermon on stillness. He talked about having a day off to do nothing and how he had everything planned from the book he was going to read, to the knitting he was going to do, to the movies he was going to watch. Then, he just couldn’t sit still long enough to do any of those things. He ended up finding a secluded bench away from everything, in the cold winter, to just sit and be. The thought of having to sit with myself, to just sit with my thoughts, sounded horrible. The anxiety began to increase and as soon as church was over I darted out of there.

I came home and was reminded of how many things in my current situation are completely out of my control. The ONLY thing I currently have control over is myself. My thoughts. My actions. My happiness. My joy. In that moment, I fell apart. I had had some amazing days of loving my life, loving myself, and finding true happiness in this current process of growth. I texted my dad, sobbing, “I’m having a struggling moment when I can’t find my happiness. I’m having a hard time connecting to and feeling God today.” For someone who is still new on my spiritual path, that text alone feels SO WEIRD to type out and share.

My dad’s response was perfect, “I have those days myself, and I realize it’s not that God is far away but that some things in life are just hard to go through.”

That’s what it was. I was having a moment when releasing control was hard. Trusting and believing, “It’s this or something better” is a hard concept to wrap your mind around when your heart is breaking and you feel like things are falling apart. Keeping the faith when every angle is showing you you’re crazy for still believing takes a lot of spiritual strength.

Releasing an outcome takes practice. There have been moments when I’ve felt like, “If I release the outcome, how will the Universe know that I still want it?” The ego is quick to speak up, “If you release control, you’re giving up your control. You’re giving up your power. You’re powerless. How does that feel? You just gave up complete control of your life. Congrats.”

That’s not what it is, though. Controlling energy is negative energy and others can feel it. Wanting to be in control of everything is telling the Universe I think I have a better plan. Let me just say that I’ve tried it “my way” for 34 years and I’m still stuck in some shit I don’t want to be in. I think at this point, it’s safe to say the Universe has a better plan than I do.

Yesterday I released control again and when the anxiety tried to come back I stopped myself. “Stop. This is not something you have control over. Let it go. Focus on what you can. Focus on what you DO have control over.” Today, with that energy, it is the most free I have felt in days. I have felt creative, inspired, joyful…and most of all, I have felt that no matter what I am enough.

It doesn’t matter that it feels like my life is falling apart around me. It doesn’t matter that some days I wonder how the hell I’m still standing. In the moments where it feels like I either have to laugh or cry, I choose to believe, “It will all work out because it has to. It’s this or something better. The Universe has my back.” I let go of the outcome, I release control, and each and every day I take inspired action towards the life I deserve to live.

I grew up in a religious household. My dad is a now retired Methodist minister and although I wouldn’t say religion was shoved down my throat, it was definitely expected that the weekends we were with him (my parents are divorced) we would go to church.

I have a memory of my brothers being better about being a PK than I was. I mean, true, we all walked in late (after the service had officially started), with wet hair and probably wrinkled clothes because we waited until the last minute to shower and get ready for church. The church was right across the street, so it only made sense to leave the house right as church was starting, right?

I, however, took everything a step further and filled out fake prayer requests based on whatever my favorite movie was at the time. I pretended to be SO into church (clearly mocking it all), that a friend and I would sit in the front row with notepads taking notes. When we had moments in Sunday School to share our favorite music, my friend and I were bringing in White Zombie, Marilyn Manson, and probably Korn. Looking back, I was given a lot of grace and understanding during all of it.

I was required to go through confirmation, but I wasn’t required to get confirmed. I’ll never forget the conversation I had with my dad one morning over a McDonald’s breakfast (our Wednesday morning tradition) when I decided to break the news to him that I was not getting confirmed.

“Why is that?”

“Because I don’t believe in God.”

“I think you’re confused.”

I can’t guarantee that’s EXACTLY how it went, but that’s my memory of that conversation. He’s continued my entire life telling me he sees me as spiritual, although not religious. To me, it was all the same so I pushed it all away.

Over the years, spirituality and religion started to enter my life a little at a time. I was able to go to church with others and feel a weird sense of comfort. I knew how to “play the part”. A few years ago, I was married to a man who wanted nothing to do with religion or spirituality. At the time, it was perfect since I had no desire for that either. As I began coaching, though, I started noticing how many others were on SOME kind of spiritual path but I continued to push it away.

Years later, after a divorce and into a new relationship, trying to continue to get my business off the ground I received a tarot reading from a friend (funny that I would be TOTALLY open to tarot, huh??) She shared with me that my next journey and path needed to be a spiritual one. “Nothing else in your life will change if you don’t go down that path.” So…I started with what I knew…church.

I went to a Unitarian church and I started to meditate. I had heard amazing things about Gabrielle Bernstein so I started there and eventually read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I invested in Gabby’s Spirit Junkie Masterclass and was starting to meditate more regularly, but I found that I was still mostly just going through the motions.

I’ve heard that the Universe will continue to give you the same lesson, stronger each time, until you learn it. It is your choice whether you will learn through joy or pain. Over the last few months, I have been working on creating my own happiness, but I continued to slip back into victim mentality. I continued to blame my partner for things I wasn’t happy with in my own life. Each argument got stronger and stronger until it got to the point where my mind was literally saying, “Stop. Don’t say that” and my mouth was spewing out untrue beliefs. What happened? The Universe knocked me to my knees, forcing me to surrender.

Without going into details of my relationship and what’s currently going on, let’s just say that there is no other option but TO change and grow. When your entire life flips upside down and you hurt someone you love deeply because you allowed your ego to take over, it becomes a very humbling experience to take a look at yourself in the mirror and see what you need to change.

I dove in deep to spirituality. I started listening to Marianne Williamson lectures all day every day. I started meditating MULTIPLE times a day. I started doing daily A Course in Miracles lessons and journaling. I prayed. I prayed to be forgiven. I prayed for mercy and grace. I prayed to see this situation differently. I prayed to be seen for who I am at my core and not for the negative bullshit that continued to come out. More than anything, I realized how codependent I had become. I removed myself from the situation for days, and just like any other addict goes through detox, I let myself feel it all. I felt the excruciating pain in my heart. I let the tears flow. I dropped to my knees on the floor. I felt the fear of everything slipping away. I had never truly sat with fear before and as much as I wanted to numb it with alcohol, I let the nausea come and felt parts of my body tingle and go numb.

What I learned, though, about feeling my feelings is that feelings transform. First they’re scary and you think you might die. But if you sit with them for 90 seconds to 2 minutes, you start to feel them transform. On the other side is joy, peace, and intense gratitude.

The most freeing part of this journey, though, is the support I have felt through diving in deep to my spirituality. I have been able to pinpoint when my ego is speaking and trying to freak me out, and when I’m truly coming from a place of love. In the moments of pain and tears streaming down my face, I acknowledge my willingness to see things differently. I ask for God/Universe/Spirit to take my pain from me and transform it. A miracle is not magic; it is simply a shift in perception. In the last 1 1/2 weeks, I have received multiple miracles and for the first time I have truly been able to release the outcome. I know the Universe has my back and I genuinely believe I am being guided and unconditionally loved and supported.

It never made sense to me when I was growing up, hearing that your primary relationship should be with God. Now, knowing that God = love, it makes total sense. Having a primary relationship with love and the Universe makes me feel so much less alone and THAT has given me the confidence and support to genuinely be in charge of my own happiness.