My internship with God

November 22, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

We’re about to enter into Thanksgiving week, which always leaves me deeply reflective. Each holiday season causes me to reflect on past seasons in order to look at how far I’ve come. Over the years, I’ve spent less time assessing external goals (such as sales and financial goals) and more time assessing who I’ve become as a person.

Am I more patient? More compassionate? More loving? Less triggered? More conscious and aware?

How do I respond to situations versus reacting? How do I show up to serve others?

All these questions matter to me. I think back to the woman I was in 2016 as I was in the middle of sabotaging and destructing my relationship. I was 100% in my Ego, constantly triggered and reacting.

In 2017, I was in Mississippi and barely able to buy food (at the beginning of entering into true financial rock bottom). That year I made gluten free pasta and brownies because it’s all I could afford at the time. I was deeply angry and bitter, as well. I was putting in the work but not seeing the fruits of my labor.

The next year (2018), I was in Nevada City and having one of my best Thanksgivings. Most of it had to do with the deep level of gratitude I was experiencing. I was so grateful to be in California, staying in an Airbnb, and with the freedom to make whatever I wanted for food that year. I felt a level of freedom I hadn’t felt in years.

Last year, however, I felt like I had dipped. I was staying with a friend in Phoenix, and although grateful to have a home, I was bitter about not having the level of freedom I was used to. The plot twist last year, though, was meeting Mr. Climber Man, who ended up being a monumental person in my healing journey.

This year I’ll still be in Phoenix, but I’ll have my own place. There are many things I’m deeply grateful for and other things I look forward to saying goodbye to. I’ve spent so much time over the last four years asking, “What the fuck, God?”

The hardest part over the last four years has been the level of feeling like I need to prove to myself to others who can’t see my vision, can’t feel my passion, and don’t understand my journey. I’ve experienced all kinds of criticism over the years and regardless of what is said to me (or behind my back), I have had to continue to hold my head high and trust what I feel above all else.

Last night I was offered a free [tarot] reading by a woman I’ve connected with through Instagram. Throughout the entire reading, I had full body chills and the crown of my head kept tingling. She continued to reflect back to me all kind of intentions I’ve set into motion over the past year.

As she told me about all the things that would soon be coming into my life (which she had no way of knowing), she shared something else with me. “As spiritual workers and healers, oftentimes we go through periods of time where we do end up working for free. A mentor once told me it’s like an internship with God.”

That rang as true all throughout my body.

An internship with God.

I have been in a four-year internship with God that most will never fully understand except me. I’ve been asked to walk through more storms than I’d care to admit, based on unconditional faith. Each time someone tried to talk me into straying from my path, I had to choose – them or God?

I don’t believe God tests us as a form of punishment, but I do fully believe He qualifies the called. I wasn’t just called; I surrendered. I surrendered my life in 2017 before becoming a nomad. Anyone can do something for the money involved. It’s what’s our society is built on. We’re taught to do work we hate just for a paycheck.

But how many people will truly surrender every level of the external on the faith that it truly is leading somewhere? How many will become entrepreneurs and answer the call not to make a million dollars (knowing the money will inevitably come) but because they’re so deeply passionate about it they can’t not do it?

I’ve always known the money would flood in (even though it still has yet to in the level I feel it will). I don’t doubt for a second that I will be incredibly wealthy. That’s not the point. I believe the only way to make sure we are fully in alignment and acting from a place of integrity is to keep doing what we feel called to do even when there’s no sign of money in sight, which has been many moments of my journey.

It’s as if God has been asking, “Will you still show up for your calling even when the money doesn’t come? Will you trust there will be an end to the drought when there’s no end in sight? How deep is your faith? Do you trust you’re always supported even in non-traditional and unconventional ways?”

For years I judged myself. I wondered if I was really that good at what I did since other coaches and mentors were making a shit ton of money and I was struggling to pay my bills. What I’ve learned over the years, though, is that my skillset surpasses most mentors who charge an arm and a leg. It’s not that I couldn’t have charged more earlier on. It’s that it was simply out of integrity for me to do so.

I was still in my internship. God wasn’t done teaching me what I needed to learn in order to fully move forward in my career. A lot of service-based careers have some level of an internship or mentorship/training. As a teacher, I had an internship before I was fully handed over a classroom of children.

I’ve hired coaches and mentors over the years and although I learned from them, I learned more from my internship with God. I didn’t need a mentor to just teach me what they knew. I needed a mentor who would hold space for me as I walked along my path with God. I needed someone who could cheer me on in my, “What the fuck” moments when it felt like the rest of the world was pushing against me.

The truth is, everything is on God’s timing anyway. I do believe we are co-creators. I do believe our thoughts and feelings impact the world around us. I also believe that some things we simply don’t have control over. Divine timing is always at play and we can’t always understand why things aren’t happening on our Ego’s timeline.

We each have our own journey, our own path, and our own lessons. Our world would be a lot kinder if we stopped judging others and simply trusted each person is walking alongside God, getting the lessons they need for their highest evolution. Sometimes the lessons are gentle and sometimes they’re complete smackdowns to awaken them.

The closer we pay attention to our own connection with God, the more confident we will be as to when to step in and support and when to hang back and wait. God works through each and every one of us and when we stay in our own lane, focused on our own internship, we will be much more aware of where someone else is on their path.

This won’t resonate with everyone, but for those of you who have been doing all the things the spiritual teachers have told you to do, can feel you’re on the right path, and yet somehow still feel like something is “missing”, it’s probably because you’re in the middle of your own internship.

Hang tight and trust. It’s all unfolding perfectly for you.

Sedona Anniversary

October 26, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog 1 Comment

Today is the year anniversary of when I came to Sedona for the first time. I was staying in Phoenix at a friend’s place, but the plan was to leave at the beginning of November. I had every intention of leaving Arizona when my friend returned from her trip and I decided I needed to visit Sedona before leaving the state.

It’s surreal to reflect back on who I was as a woman back then. I had come so far on my journey and yet the fear and anxiety still filled my body. The scarcity still had a fierce grip on me and I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of always feeling unsettled right below the surface.

I didn’t know what to expect from Sedona. I knew it was a sacred space for so many and I had heard stories about the magic of her energy, but I didn’t know how intensely I would experience it as soon as I drove in and saw the red rocks towering overhead. I’ll never forget the beauty that engulfed me and the energy I felt buzzing through my body as it stimulated a deep sense of being turned on that I had never experienced from nature alone.

I found my way to Mystic Trail, a trail I intuitively found, and walked down a little bit before plopping myself down on a rock to sit and take it all in. It was magical. I didn’t have the desire to stay in Arizona at the time, but I wanted to spend more time in Sedona. I simply had no clue how it would all pan out for me.

I was on a dating app and matched with two men in particular I was in the beginning stages of getting to know. It seemed ridiculous to date in Phoenix, knowing I was intending to leave, but I knew there was something for me in the two men I was talking to.

As I drove out of Sedona that evening, I was full of so much joy and love, I couldn’t help but let it out through sheer laughter.

“When you become your own lover and source of joy, love, and happiness, what more do you need? When the sheer beauty of life has the power to fill you up instantly, why a partner?

Because relationships are where we heal the wounds we cannot heal alone” – IG post October 27, 2019

Although I did not enter into any long-term or committed partnerships, I see how my writing was foreshadowing what was to come. I had become so independent I actually feared commitment. It was the shadow side of being a nomad. I was a nomad for reasons only my soul knew and it also shone a light on the dark corners I didn’t want to look at.

I was about to enter into a season of relationships. I thought the relationship would lead to a partner (and at some point it will), but what I was about to learn was that there was still unhealed trauma buried deep within me that needed to come to the surface first to be healed.

“I noticed I had disrespected myself in the name of loving men.” -IG post, October 26, 2019.

I loved men so deeply, I abandoned myself. Over the next year, I was abandoned by multiple men, driving home the realization that I can never and will never abandon myself. Every time a man walked away, I was forced to lean into my love for myself on a level deeper than I ever could have imagined.

One night, one of the men channeled a message for me. “It’s not your fault he left you.” As I stared at the words that had been texted to me, I started sobbing. As I revisit those words, knowing the timing of when they were sent, I know Spirit was comforting me, regarding how things went down with my ex in 2016. I blamed and punished myself for years and wanted desperately to rid myself of that blame.

“It’s not your fault he left you” was also a message for the future. Every man who left had unhealed pain I felt as he walked away. I was the woman who awakened something within him and watched him walk away. I had to heal all the stories and beliefs that told me I was the reason he left. I had to accept that a man’s unhealed pain had nothing to do with me—I just illuminated for him where he still hurt.

During that time, I was learning about the 4 core wounds (according to Matt Kahn)—Abuse, Neglect, Codependency, Loss. I honestly believed I had already healed those core wounds and on some level, I had. As with any lesson, they come back around again in order for us to not only see how far we’ve come, but to deepen our level of understanding.

The last year has been more challenging than I imagined, and magical at the same time. Every time I return to Sedona, I am reminded of every man I brought with me on an energetic level. Every time I came here, I healed on a deeper level. I understood life more multidimensionally.

During one of my trips, I tried to get Sedona to be for me what I thought I wanted and needed, which only created massive resistance in my body. I was angry that I couldn’t seem to recreate the magic I experienced the first time I drove in. I then heard the message, “Let Sedona heal you.”

I needed to surrender. There was nothing to do. Simply being in her energy was powerful enough. I just needed to surrender to the power of her energy and receive the healing I needed. As soon as I surrendered, I sobbed while sitting alone on a hiking trail, and in that moment I felt more connected to Sedona than I ever had.

From then on, she became a partner of mine. She gave to me and I gave to her. We had a mutual respect for one another that cannot be described, only experienced. Every time I return, I can feel her energy engulfing me with a big, warm, “Welcome home.”

Grieving my journey

October 1, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

I’ve been avoiding writing the next two books in the series. Book Two’s first draft is complete, but I haven’t finished writing the first draft of Book Three yet. I started to commit to editing Book Two, but as I started doing that I started creating marketing materials for social media. My current marketing materials consist of an old picture from the period of time I wrote about in Book Two and a quote from a post. I’m currently sharing memories from when I was in Phoenix in 2018, soon to move onto Northern California (Nevada City, specifically).

The other night I was lying on my bed, going through old posts and creating graphics. Energetically, I might as well have been in Nevada City. Every ounce of my body went back to that magical space. When I looked up and glanced around my room, noticing I was still in fact in Phoenix, my heart sank a bit. I had never wanted to be in two places at the same time so badly in my life. I began to think to myself, “I should get back to working on my books. I’ll get to relive those moments again when I start writing.”

But I didn’t, and I haven’t.

Last night I chatted with a man about my journey and as my emotions began to rise, clarity began to come through. I sat there, unable to fully look at him for fear that if I did, I would break my own heart right in front of his eyes. When I looked off just beyond him, creating an energetic wall around myself, I allowed myself to be vulnerable about my experience without energetically allowing him in.

I shared with him that for years, I shared my story online without anyone ever fully understanding the profound healing experience I was having. I felt like I was transforming my life before everyone’s eyes and no one was really even noticing. Something was different about me but no one understood it, no matter how many times I showed up online to write it or speak it in a different way. No one was hearing me.

In August 2019, Radical Rebirth was finally complete and I was getting feedback from test readers. All the things I felt like I had been screaming into a black hole for years were finally being heard. I was finally being seen and understood, but beyond that, others were seeing how my journey connected to their own lives, as well.

Once it was released to the public, the feedback kept coming in and then what typically followed was— I can’t wait for the next two books!

My life began to feel like a book series. In fact with Book Three, I was constantly on the lookout, “How is Book Three going to end?” Everything I experienced, I first ran through the filter of, “How does that translate to the book?” Everything in my life became a story. Everything was about my book series and in some moments, I forgot to sit back and just be present in Anne the person instead of Anne the writer.

As I sat across from this man last night, I shared with him, “My journey was sacred. I loved it and it’s over. I will never get those three years back. There’s a piece of my life others will only ever know through my books.”

Now you may be thinking, “But Anne, you never really lose those years. They integrate into your being.” Yes, I know. I get that. I’m well aware of the fact that everything I experienced in the past three years is being integrated into who I am today. That’s not the point.

I’m grieving. I knew I would need to grieve, but when I was so thrilled to return to Phoenix and rebuild my life here, I kind of forgot about the grieving process. I realized my journey feels like a death. There is a version of myself I will never return to. There is a version of myself others will never know. It’s like telling stories of a loved one who has passed. You can tell all the stories in the world and yet the person you’re telling those stories to will still never get to experience that person.

It adds a whole new weird layer when that person is you.

My books feel like the memorial or funeral of that deceased person. I don’t know about you, but I always enjoyed memorials and funerals because it was a time to remember the loved one who passed. For a short period of time, you get to pretend they’re not gone. Then the service ends, everyone goes home and you’re just supposed to go on with your life like nothing ever happened. Just like that, you’re supposed to go back to normal.

Part of me experiences resistance around finishing and releasing the next two books because once it’s all said and done, life will just go back to normal. Except nothing I experienced was normal. My life was not normal. My life is not normal. Nothing about who I am today is normal.

It’s easy to read someone else’s story and think, “Great story.” It’s easy to remain removed from someone else’s story, except behind the story is a beating heart. Behind my story is a woman who gave up her entire life in the hopes that what she truly desired was possible.

My story is one of extreme independence and faith in God. I don’t know how to walk the line of desiring to let someone in so they can hold space for the part of me that is grieving while also knowing I am who I am today because I was yelling at God and sobbing on the floor, alone, more times than I can count.

I want to let someone in and yet the next piece of this sacred journey is writing it down. I don’t want to share that with the “wrong” person. I only get to do this once. I only got to live it once and now I only get to write it and publish it once.

Once it’s done, it’s done.

Once I release it out into the world, others will experience it in whatever way they do and life will go back to abnormally normal.

Breaking the chains of addiction

August 7, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

I was an addict.

I’ve been an addict in some capacity my entire life. For most of my life I didn’t recognize it because many forms of addiction are acceptable in our society.

I was addicted to alcohol, sugar, and love from anyone but myself. As I ventured into my dark night of the soul and stayed there for a good chunk of time, I was then told by a spiritual mentor, “You’re addicted to your pain.” She used to point out to me that I had a cycle around money that sabotaged me from ever being fully stable. It wasn’t even that I was irresponsible with money. I was simply addicted to the pain of not having it, which kept me from ever consistently receiving it.

I was addicted to the story that things were hard. I was addicted to the story that life worked for other people and not for me. Most recently, I’ve been addicted to the story that I awaken men and then watch them leave. I’ve called in man after man who meets me, is inspired by me, and then doesn’t want to rise up to their full potential.

After nearly ten months of it, I finally got sick of it. It finally became crystal clear this final time. I watched a man each week tell me he was tired enough of his own shit and was going to choose differently. Each week he fell into the same self-sabotage trap, making the same choice he swore he wouldn’t make.

The first few times, I had compassion. I held space and listened to his frustration. As someone who has gone through it in so many different areas of my life, I could feel his pain. The next time it happened, though, anger began to fill my body and I knew that was my boundary needing to be set.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I could no longer hold space for him, watching him make the same self-sabotaging choice once again. As I thought of releasing him, my heart hurt. I told him, “I don’t have another round in me. It hurts to be able to feel your pain.” I began to close off my heart again just so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of each man I met. I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed my heart to remain open.

As I reflected to friends today, I was asked, “What’s active within you that is attracting in so many men who are in need of healing? Is there a part of you who needs to be the caretaker? Is there a part of you that feels you need to heal men?”

To be honest, I think there are lots of things from my past that could have caused me to call in so many men who are in pain. Part of it is knowing how much pain I was in in my last relationship and as hard as my previous partner tried, he didn’t know how to hold space for me. I know what that healing journey looks like and I know I am capable of holding massive amounts of space for someone in order to facilitate their healing. Maybe part of me feels like I owe it to men for how I treated my last partner.

Another part of me realizes I haven’t fully embodied the version of me who is healed. Sometimes I forget how far I’ve come until I meet someone who is earlier in their journey. Usually by that point I’m already emotionally invested.

It feels like when you lose weight and haven’t fully embraced and embodied the thinner version of yourself. You end up continuously grabbing your old size off the rack because it’s the size you’ve always grabbed. It has become habitual. I think part of me keeps grabbing the wrong size man off the rack, forgetting I’ve released my old baggage. I have healed. I am an evolved version of myself, worthy of a man who has done the same amount of work on himself.

And yet, as I sit here and write this all out, I think there’s a part of me that has become addicted to someone else’s pain. I no longer have that deep, gut-wrenching pain. I have deep, unconditional love for myself in a way I never knew was possible before. I know the power of that transformation and maybe on some level I wanted to experience it again through the eyes of someone else. I wanted to watch someone else transform before my very eyes.

I can’t though. I am no longer an addict with all the addictive patterns I’ve healed within myself. With that, it’s time to also release the addiction to someone else’s pain. It’s time to put on my new size called joy, peace, and wholeness.

My final days

June 25, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

“You know that I’m never gonna be a 9-5, that was never me. I was born with a compass in my hand and a restless soul.” -Andy Grammer

The question I’m getting asked the most right now is, “How are you feeling?”

My answer, “I’m all cried out.”

I sobbed for days and now that I’m two days out from leaving Phoenix after being here for eight months, I’m all cried out. At this point it feels surreal. I’ve taken so many side trips since being here that it feels like I’m just prepping for another trip to Sedona and I’ll be back.

The other day I was nearly done with a blog to try and capture this moment and as I sat down to write today, I deleted the entire thing. How do I sum up eight months into one blog post, let alone three years? There’s a reason this journey has evolved into a three-book series and even then, there are pieces of my journey others will never know. There are things you will never understand. There are pieces of my three years I will take to my grave with me. There are moments I want to keep to myself; the moments I sat alone with my soul, listening to the yearning, begging me to not give up in the moments it felt the hardest.

This journey has been sacred – is sacred – and it’s hard to believe this piece of it is coming to an end. The phase of my journey where I do this alone is coming to an end and I’ve known this. To be honest, though, I believed book three ended with a partner. It doesn’t. It ends with the closing of a cycle and my life coming full circle in a way I never could have imagined.

Even though you may have been watching my journey for the past three years, you won’t be able to see the why of it all until you’re able to sit down with my three books and allow me to tell you my story from start to finish.

These past three years have been preparation. They’ve been preparation for what I deeply desire – a partnership beyond anything I’ve ever had before. They’ve been preparation for a business that has appeared to be moving slow as fucking molasses, but one that has given me so much clarity around what I’m deeply passionate about and what my true God-given gifts are.

The past three years tore me down to nothing – literally and metaphorically. I was stripped down over and over again, oftentimes left in a pool of my tears on the floor, yelling at God. Every time I thought I couldn’t be stripped down any more, another layer would be removed.

Every time I saw success, it was taken from me.

Every time I fell in love, another man would leave again.

Every time I thought I was going in one direction, I was led in another.

I learned I do not have control over my external circumstances, but I do get to decide how I show up. I get to choose my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I get to decide how I treat others. I get to decide whether I choose love or fear. I get to decide if I remain committed to my vision or sell myself short based on societal standards that never brought me anything other than depression, alcoholism, and emptiness.

Over the past three years, I became someone I loved more than anyone else in this world. I became a woman who spoke her truth, even when my entire body shook out of fear. I learned to love, even if it was never reciprocated. I gave all of myself, knowing no one ever truly has the power to hurt me.

I have become so authentic, I forgot what it feels like to wear the mask I used to hide behind. I allow a man to see me, knowing I have no control over whether or not he likes what he sees. I have learned it’s safe to be vulnerable because although I can be left by another at any moment in time, I know I can never leave myself and that’s where my safety and security comes from.

To the outside world, I was a nomad, hopping from place to place without a care in the world. Some thought I was too carefree, needing to settle down while others assumed it’s just who I was and didn’t want to get in the way.

No one asked me what I wanted. No one took the time to sit down with me and ask me, “Why? Who are you becoming in this process? What is it preparing you for?”

This was never about California.

This was never about living out of a suitcase.

This was never about being a free spirit, blowing in the wind.

This was about becoming, listening, evolving, trusting, and healing.

The past three years have been an intuitive healing bootcamp and although you’ll never fully understand why I needed it, why it feels so sacred, or why it feels so difficult to give up (in the way it currently looks), I hope one day you’ll take the time to listen to my story. Truly listen.

My next phase includes a partner. My lifelong partner. The partner I have spent the past three years preparing myself for. The partner I sacrificed my entire old way of being for. The partner I went to hell and back for before ever meeting him.

I can’t tell you what my life will look like because I’m not the woman who dictates and controls a man anymore. I am one who listens, softens into compromise, and allows my partnership to decide what we will create together.

I am also not a woman who submits to a man simply to please him. My partner would never want that. He sees my wild, emotional, feminine heart and is capable of holding space for it without ever trying to tame me. He understands this transition for me isn’t easy and although it is something I want, with all new things come a sense of loss.

I won’t say I’m giving up my nomadic life, because I’m not. I’m not giving up anything – I’m creating space for a new way of being to emerge.

I’m welcoming in a level of stability and support I’ve never had before. My new life will look nothing like the one I left in Chicago and will look much different than my week-to-week travels I so often had in the last few years, as well.

I’m slowing down, connecting deeper, and excited to see what the next phase has in store for me.

You know Utah’s slogan, though. Life elevated.

I have a feeling I’m in for something I never could have imagined. I’m open to where life is guiding me. I’m open to what it will look like. I’m open to this next level of becoming. I’m open to who I will meet and who may re-enter my life. Because if there’s one thing my intuitive nomadic life has taught me it’s this – anything is possible.

When Spirit speaks, I listen

June 4, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Photo by Jake Weirick on Unsplash

What an interesting time we’re living in, huh? For those of us who are empaths, incredibly sensitive to energy, we’re managing a lot right now and trying to sort through what’s ours and what’s the collective’s. When we’re all intertwined, it can be hard to decipher between the two.

I don’t know about you, but in addition to everything that’s happening energetically, I’m also receiving a fuck ton of downloads on a daily basis. Sometimes they come late at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. Other times they come first thing in the morning before my eyes are even open. Then of course, I’m oftentimes bombarded throughout the day.

Yesterday was one of those days when information was coming through at what felt like a million miles a minute and it all felt incredibly urgent to put into action through some form of creation – blog, vlog, podcast, social media post, article, etc. It’s getting to the point where I literally cannot create as quickly as I’m receiving information.

To top it all off, much of the channeled information I’m receiving is highly controversial in comparison to the mainstream narrative trying to hang on for dear life. I’m so grateful to the few close friends I have who are on the same wavelength and receiving very similar messages. They give me a safe space to work through the messages when I don’t have the energy within me to sit down and write it all out.

As a channel, I have had to learn how best to sort through and process the information I receive from Spirit. Sometimes writing is the most productive form, but other times it’s through speaking. It’s also why I have so many outlets for my content.

For years, I had no clue I was a channel. I thought it was others who had the gift. I had no clue that we all have the capability but only some of us choose to open and hone our gifts.

Over time, I’ve paid attention to how channeling has truly served me and why I trust my channeled messages more than the messages I receive from the outside world (even when they appear to sound crazy to others).

It really began to make sense to me once I reflected on my childhood. As a young child, I had encephalitis (inflammation of the brain), which later affected my ability to comprehend. Learning and regurgitating information was a really big struggle for me. Reading comprehension was tough and subjects like history felt like hell to get through.

My entire life, I wanted to be “gifted” like my brothers. The more I struggled, the more stupid I felt. I was oftentimes called gullible, as well, because it was so much easier to just trust what someone who appeared smarter than me was telling me. The only thing that ever felt easy and enjoyable was writing.

I was never the child who could just regurgitate facts. And, when challenged to prove anything, I would freeze. This caused me to shut down my voice over time, as well. I trusted others over myself. I trusted that others who could regurgitate facts must know more than I did because they were clearly stronger in a skill I was not. Not to mention, regurgitation of facts is a skill that is currently valued in our society (although that is changing as we collectively awaken).

In 2016, I began to awaken and embarked on my own spiritual awakening journey. I started to receive messages from Spirit without fully understanding what was happening. I had many moments in my life where I just knew things but didn’t know how I knew them. There was no proof, but it felt like truth in my body. This showed up most times in romantic relationships. I knew when something was off, but didn’t have external proof, so I ignored my own energetic red flags and stayed in relationships longer than was healthy for me.

In 2017, Spirit told me to sell all my shit in my two bedroom apartment and hit the road. It was not just a whisper I received from my soul. It was a knowing in my body that it was my next step. Logical? Fuck no. Necessary? Absolutely.

I thought it was going to be an easy breezy fun time! There have been moments of lots of joy and overwhelming gratitude, but it has felt more like an intuitive bootcamp. I have been asked to trust in ways I’ve never been asked to trust before. I’ve been nearly forced to trust my intuition instead of what I see with my physical eyes more times than I can count.

And now, it’s becoming more and more clear as to why. I am learning spiritual truth through my own experience of life. Many spiritual teachers read all the books, study all the spiritual laws, and show up regurgitating information to others. They come across as “qualified” because they’ve taken the appropriate courses and gotten their certification.

I’ve read the books, I’ve listened to the podcasts, I’ve consumed the content, but it wasn’t until I applied it to my life and fully embodied what I learned that I could finally show up and teach it to others. What I teach is unfuckwithable because it is my story. I have experienced spiritual truth firsthand. I didn’t just read it in a book and then try to teach it to someone else. It has first been filtered through my own experience of life.

I’ve cultivated an unbreakable trust with my intuition. I know the messages that come through me are as pure as possible because I didn’t read them somewhere. The information I share isn’t simply being regurgitated because I can’t regurgitate information to save my damn life.

I now see how what I believed were weaknesses would have only held me back in life if they had been strengths of mine.

All information in the external world is always first filtered through someone else’s level of consciousness – even mine.

Yes, the messages I receive are pure, however in order to relay them as purely as possible, I have to be able to lovingly put my Ego to the side. I have to get out of my own way and not judge the message coming through. I am learning how to not edit what I receive and trust that the message is exactly what it needs to be.

My only job is to decipher where each message is to be appropriately delivered and who it’s actually for. This gift of mine has given me a level of confidence I never had until now. It has given me a level of trust, independence, and non-attachment to the outside world, fully being able to trust my next step. It has allowed me to observe what is happening on a human level, while understanding it on a spiritual level, giving me the capacity to love, have compassion for, and teach others from a non-judgmental space.

We’re always being given what we need. It’s a waste of time to try and strengthen a skill that feels hard and unenjoyable. Our God-given gifts are God-given for a reason. Our inner-child always knows the path when we allow ourselves to get quiet enough to listen.

Learning how to be a God-loving American

March 25, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

Note: Weeks ago, I was intuitively guided to write Why I’m not voting in 2020. Things have shifted a bit since then. As always, I am writing about my current experience of life, which could all change as I continue to evolve over time.

Of all the people I know, I’m the last person I believed would ever go down the path of being a “God-loving American”. I’m an American, as in, I was born and raised in America. I’m never one who has loved my country the way others do. Do I understand my freedom and privilege? Yes. Am I grateful for what I have and the life I live? Absolutely. I just never had any desire to be overly patriotic, wear anything with the flag on it, and I sure as hell didn’t have any desire for God to have any part in my life.

That all began to change over three years ago when everything in my life appeared to be falling apart. My relationship was ending, my business was struggling, and I received the whisper, “Sell all your shit and hit the road.” I was being asked by Spirit (God) to live a full-time life on the road. I knew it would transform me, but I didn’t know how much.

Much of my time has been spent in small towns, meeting people on the “other side of the aisle”. I have been a born and raised Democrat. As soon as I could vote, I registered (although to be honest, I didn’t have the desire at 18 to actually register or vote), and started voting Democrat straight across the board.

In 2016, I chose not to follow the political race at all. It felt negative and toxic in my body and although I wasn’t for Hillary, based on everything that was presented in the media and on social media, I was against Trump. I made my decision from a place of fear, not love. I feared what would happen if Trump was president. I was led to believe the world would fall apart, it would be nonstop war and violence, and as a woman I would lose all my rights.

After the election, I started to receive very clear intuitive nudges that were hard to explain to anyone who voted against Trump. I began to receive glimpses of a changing world — one that would fall apart, but for something even better to emerge. I had no clue if it would be Trump who would bring in the positive change or if he would ruin it so badly that the next person to swoop in and “save us” would create something better than we ever could have imagined. I still don’t have any actual idea what will happen. At this point, we’re all basing it off of theory.

As I continued down my own spiritual path, strengthening my intuitive empathic gifts, I continued to tap into the fear and disgust that was ever evolving in Democrats across the board. The more I observed this, the more turned off I became. I began to see the entire political arena as corrupt and negative and wanted no part of it. I was no longer available to vote against someone or something. If I couldn’t be for it, I was going to bow out. Immediately, terror shot through my body.

What would others think of me?

I felt ashamed and wondered how long I would be able to hold onto my secret before someone close to me found out that I had done such a stupid, irresponsible thing by not voting. I continued to hold onto my truth and my values. I stand for love and every action I take is rooted in love, not fear.

We’re now in the middle of this Covid-19 epidemic and things I’ve intuitively known for years are beginning to come to light and I’m beginning to understand why things are potentially playing out the way they are.

We are not born fearing one another. It is a learned behavior. And yet, our world is suffocating in fear. We have forgotten who we are, which is exactly why we are not-so-gently being asked (forced) to awaken. To some who have been on their own awakening journey for years, we are seeing the curtain being lifted and although that shit is hard to look at, we can handle it. We’re processing pieces of information first so that we are able to hold space for those who will be jolted out of their sleep down the road.

Back to politics, though. This is not a Democrat/Republican thing, although I aways believed being a God-loving American (my mental image: Bible belt) was something only Republicans were. I rejected God and I rejected any pride in being American, while just doing my basic civic duties. I was asleep, playing the role that was within my comfort zone.

Now I’m being asked to play another role as a way of triggering others into their own awakening and let me say, it’s uncomfortable as hell. I’ve had some of the most triggering, uncomfortable conversations I’ve ever had in my entire life within the past week.

You see, after learning about the manipulation, brainwashing, and mind control that so often takes place in mainstream media (both sides, remember — it’s not political), I started to dive into the places I feared. I feared Trump. I feared conspiracy theorists. I feared “God-loving Americans”. I feared those who loved the Bible, God, and Jesus. I didn’t understand them. I didn’t understand why they were so passionate about their beliefs.

I started watching Trump’s daily briefings. I started following, reading, and watching content put out there by QAnon (a current conspiracy theory). I opened my mind and began to ask myself, “Could the opposite of what I believed to be true about life also be true?” My answer is yes. All I can say is within the past week, I have trusted God more. I have prayed more. I have cried more. I have felt more united with other members of my country than ever before (while socially distancing, of course). For the first time in longer than I can remember, I have true hope.

I’m not a “Trump supporter”. I’m not a “conspiracy theorist”. I’m not a “Republican”. I’m not “anti-liberal”. I’m not “Christian”. I do not limit myself to any box. I’m for love. I’m for peace. I’m for Truth. I’m for the awakening of this planet and will play any role God guides me to play in order to help others awaken to their own innate power.

We each play roles in our lives as a means of triggering the other person (should they choose to lean into the discomfort) into awakening more into the Truth of who they are. We trigger each other with the opportunity to return to who and what we innately are — love.

Do I believe Trump is perfect? Nope. Do I believe he’s as awful as mainstream media has led us to believe? Nope. When I truly allow myself to listen to him, though, I experience a grounded energy. Words never matter to me. Energy does. I dove into the Q theory and while listening to Trump’s briefings, I can confidently say that something much bigger is happening beneath the surface. It has the potential to transform our country in a way most people could never imagine — for the highest good of all.

Is it true? I don’t know. What I know, though, is that it is of everyone’s highest good to hold the vision of true peace, love, and freedom for all — regardless of who is chosen to bring that change about.

My role in other people’s lives will change over time but for now, God is calling me to explore Trump and Q, appearing to others as a “Trump supporting conspiracy theorist” in order to awaken you to look at any fear that arises within you when you hear that.

What is in that fear that is holding you back from deep, heart-opening love — for all? Could the opposite of your story also be true? Can you play the “what if” game?

What if we’ve been lied to?

What if what has appeared on the surface isn’t actually true?

What if all the fear we’ve experienced all these years was a means of someone outside of us trying to gain control over us?

What if those we trusted with power have actually been brainwashing us into loving and idolizing them?

What if they have only played their role as a means of us awakening to coming back home to ourselves?

What if God is real and truly does love us more than anything else in the Universe?

What if Christ consciousness is awakening and on the verge of returning?

What if there truly is nothing to fear?

What if we’re not crazy and never have been?

What if we knew all along but simply forgot we had the power within us?

What if being a God-loving American (for those of us who live in America) is exactly who we are meant to be and also includes loving all others on this planet?

I once had a friend say to me, “You remind me of the Statue of Liberty. She stands for so much. She goes through rain, storms, sun, clouds, and she never changes. For me, she stands for truth and leadership, and when you choose to step into that nothing can phase you. You will always be that pillar. That’s how I see you.”

So I ask you — What qualities does a God-loving American embody and how can you step into more of those loving qualities each and every day? What role is God asking you to play in order to awaken yourself and others during this time of massive transformation? Allow that role to be fluid. It doesn’t mean anything about you. It isn’t your identity. Who you are — love — can never change.

(And for those of you wondering if I’m voting in 2020 and if so, does this mean I’m voting for Trump? Let’s just get through the next few months first to see what actually plays out. Who knows what role God will assign me in November.)

I wish you pain

February 19, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

I’ve been having this message come through me for awhile now, but I haven’t been able to fully put it into words. I don’t know that this blog will put into words exactly how I feel, but I feel the words bubbling up.

The other night, I had a single message come through from Spirit.

I couldn’t “love and light” my way out of the pain, so I chose to heal it.

I’ve seen so many others I’ve crossed paths with avoid their pain. I know they’re in pain because they’ve lashed out, attacked, judged, resented, and rejected. I’ve heard them say, “I’m fine” when I know they’re not.

The more I heal, the brighter I shine, and the more others committed to their darkness push me away.

Tonight as I was driving back from yoga, I came across an Andy Grammer song that sums up why I wish pain upon every single person I cross paths with.

Sounds bitchy, I know. You may be reading this thinking, “Bitch please. You don’t know the level of pain I’ve experienced.” Ok great, but how are you using that pain for you? How are you using that pain to improve your life and the lives of others?

How are you using your pain to give yourself more love? Too often we use our pain to then sacrifice ourselves for others. We tend to avoid our pain by immersing ourselves in someone else’s pain, trying to “save” or “fix” them.

Or worse, we project our pain onto them. We blame others for our pain.

For years I avoided my pain. I was a codependent addict. I was addicted to food, alcohol, social media, working, TV, and men. I was addicted to the love, acceptance, and validation from others. I was a people pleaser and molded myself into who I needed to be in order for others to love me.

I never believed I was worthy of the life I so deeply desired. I kept getting into relationships with men who didn’t actually want what I wanted, but I was too scared to leave because I was not a woman who left others. I was a woman whom others left.

I couldn’t be alone without feeling broken. I couldn’t show a man my weaknesses without fear they would see me as broken, too.

I had never fully allowed myself to live an independent life until I decided to become a nomad in 2017. After the end of my relationship in 2016, I committed to not only healing my patterns once and for all, but to remain single until I became crystal fucking clear on who I am and what I want.

I committed to finding and using my voice.

I committed to living an authentic life, no matter who it pissed off.

I stepped out of the box that had been suffocating me for years and vowed to never step back in no matter how many people tried to shove me back in.

I’ve never walked through a fire as hot as I have the past three years.

I’ve been called fake, a coward, crazy, and pathetic.

I’ve been rejected, blocked, and ignored.

I have been rejected after having just slept with a man the night before. I have been walked out on while still naked, left in a spiral of rage and tears.

I’ve hit financial rock bottom more times than I can count. I’ve had $0.80 in my bank account with a gas tank on E, with no clue when or where money was coming from. I’ve had no money for food, living on oatmeal and homemade tortillas for days.

I’ve gotten in my car and driven to a city with no place booked, solely based on an intuitive nudge. I’ve sat in my car at a park, wondering if I would need to sleep in my car because I didn’t have money for my next place.

I’ve lived through winters with no money for clothes and clothes that didn’t properly fit or keep me warm.

I’ve cried myself to sleep more nights than I can remember. I’ve fallen to my knees, sobbing, yelling at God to shift things for me. I’ve felt lonely. I’ve nearly gotten stuck on ice with no cell service, car wheels spinning.

I’ve wanted to throw in the towel and give up.

And every time I nearly gave up, I leaned into the pain.

I learned that there was no amount of “love and light” that could get me out of the pain. The only way to heal the pain was to go through it.

My faith is unshakeable because of what I have faced head on. I leaned into the pain and embraced it the way one leans into a gust of wind to not get blown over.

Every time I have lost, I have looked at what part of me didn’t actually want it. How did it not fully align with my vision? What do I actually want?

I grieve, I release, then I get excited about what’s to come.

I love deeper than I ever have because every time my heart has been shattered, its capacity to love expanded exponentially.

I am able to sit with someone’s pain and darkness because I have faced my own. Nothing scares me. I do not judge others.

When someone throws insults my way, I feel their pain and then transform it to love.

My pain has changed me. It has made me more loving, more patient, more compassionate, It allows me to laugh more, feel lighter, feel deeper, and have such deep gratitude for my life that it brings me to tears.

I need no one or no thing because I have truly learned how to find love, peace, and gratitude when I was stripped down to nothing.

I have learned to detach from others, trusting each and every one of us is on our own journey.

Years ago, I could only see what was being taken from me. I was a victim, wondering why life was happening to me. Pain has been my greatest teacher and I wish for it to be yours, as well.

Music has always been a tool for me to share the words I don’t yet have. This song literally sums up what my entire journey has felt like through the most painful years of my life.

I Wish You Pain

by Andy Grammer

I hope your doubts come like monsters
And terrorize your dreams
I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness
‘Cause no one else believes
I hope you question whether you ever really had a chance at all

I hope your fear is thick like poison
It gets into your blood
I hope you push until you cannot breathe
And it’s still not enough
I hope you put your life out on the line
And everybody watches while you fall

‘Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It’s hard to say
But I wish you pain

I hope people break their promises
Leave you in the cold
I hope they beat your heart to pieces
Worse than you’ve ever known
I hope you finally arrive, only to find you’re nowhere close

I hope you cry and tears come streaming down your face
I hope this life traps you in more than you thought you could ever take
I hope the help you want never comes and you do it on your own

‘Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It’s hard to say
But I wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
Been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow

‘Cause everything that matters most
That’s where it goes by a different name
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
I wish you pain
It’s hard to say
Wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
I’ve been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow

To read where my journey began, grab your copy of Book One.

How drama becomes an addictive cycle

February 13, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

I just dodged a major bullet. To be honest, I’m a little shocked that someone I thought so highly of could turn so quickly. It’s not that I no longer think highly of him or that he’s now a “bad” person. I don’t believe in “good” and “bad”, especially when it comes to people.

There is someone’s shadow side and their light. There is fear or love. Ego or soul. As someone who has gone into the darkness to face my Ego, I know how much pain someone must be in once their Ego begins to spiral. I know the fear, panic, and anxiety that arises when the illusions your life has been built upon begin to crumble. Because of that, I actually have a lot of compassion for someone else going through that, whether they’re consciously aware of it or not.

For far too long, though, I have tried to save others. I so badly wanted to help others heal their pain. Where I have to draw the line, though, is when I’m in the direct line of fire. As soon as the bullets come straight for me, I bow out, retract my energy, and unconditionally love from afar.

The past month with this man has opened my eyes and given me a lot of clarity around how things work energetically between two people and how one can become so addicted to drama, creating the cycles and patterns to keep the addiction going.

I see it clearly because it’s who I was. I, too, used to be insanely addicted to drama. To me, drama equaled passion and passion equaled love. At that point in my life, I was a woman with low self-worth. I had never learned how to love myself, so I depended on others to give it to me. Someone else’s love was a drug to me. I needed the hit to feel calm and balanced, but as soon as it wore off and I couldn’t get it from them, I began to spiral. If my partner wasn’t giving me the love I depended on them for, I would start fights in order to engage them.

Our Ego is simply a wounded child within us. Children just want attention. They don’t care whether it’s positive or negative; all attention feels like love. To our Ego, it’s the same.

My short-lived relationship with this man was dramatic from the beginning, even though it was hard to pinpoint because all of our conversations were so calm and respectful.

We met on a dating app and within the first few conversations, he attempted to reject me based on his belief that I was comparing him to previous dates I had been on. To me, I was asking for clarification on what our first date would involve to make sure I was putting myself in a comfortable position in order to feel I could be my authentic self.

Although I would usually “Boy Bye” his ass due to my triggers around rejection, I chose to practice my candid communication skills to share my experience of him. He responded, acknowledging how kind I was and then apologized. My first thought during that interaction was, “I wonder if this dude is going to try to gaslight me.”

Note to self: When something feels off, it is.

That next week, we talked on the phone nearly every night for over an hour each time. We had deep, connected conversations and laughed a ton. He asked me lots of questions about my nomadic journey, my journey as a spiritual mentor, and my recent release of Book One.

Everything was smooth sailing and our first date was amazing. We both agreed we were on the same page and chose to continue moving forward with building the connection.

Periodically, he would bring up his exes and what had happened in previous relationships. I could sense the victim mentality in his energy, but I also experienced him as someone who desired to learn and grow. He acknowledged his negativity when it would come up and strived to have a more positive outlook on life. The more we chatted, the more he noticed I saw the world in a much more optimistic way.

He told me that he always felt good when he was around me. My motivation sparked motivation within him. I knew the power of my energy, but I still wasn’t quite picking up on what was actually happening and that he was potentially depending on my energy in order to feel better in his own life.

Shortly after our first date, we had our first “discussion”. We never fought. We disagreed on certain aspects of life and dating, but every time we came together to chat, it was always open, vulnerable, candid, and respectful. It was easy. We talked, came to an agreement, then moved on.

He was someone who seemed to enjoy a lot of space, so I did what I could as a recovering codependent to give it to him. I noticed my feeling of calm confidence throughout our entire connection. I didn’t stress when it took hours for him to text me back or when we’d plan dates last minute. I always trusted he would show up, ready to connect, whenever he was ready and able. Looking back, my “no biggie, you do you boo” energy began to trigger more discussions. I had zero expectations of who I needed or expected him to be and yet, he began to project his expectations of himself onto me.

“I feel a lot of expectations for a particular role that you want me to play.”

I gave him as much space as he needed to take care of everything he needed to address (he was a full-time student) and then he would respond with, “I’m gonna start to push more for meeting in person.” I was thrilled to know I would get to spend more time with him, but I had my own independent life that kept me very much occupied.

A few days after a wonderful second date, which ended with him kissing me, he called me to tell me that even though he enjoyed being with me and laughed harder with me than he did with anyone else, he didn’t really feel a connection. He was completely in his head, also admitting that it could just be fear. I sat there and held space for him, even though I was potentially being rejected by a man I really liked being with. I reflected back to him what I heard him saying and then simply reminded him of what he had told me he was looking for in a partner, knowing I embodied those qualities. I was simply confused.

The next day, the conversation continued through text message where we were both completely open and vulnerable. Later that night, he called me to tell me it was a mistake, he was stupid, and to ignore everything he had said the night before. I embodied everything he was looking for, he was physically attracted to me, and wanted to move forward with our connection.

Every time he was busy, unresponsive, unable to hang out, etc. my response was simply, “I appreciate your effort. I know you have a lot going on.” I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn’t need anything from him. He would then respond with, “Thanks for understanding.”

The day before things ended was when I began to see how deeply connected he still was to his Ego and the potential need for drama in his life. He began to share with me something that was still making him feel “broken”. I knew it wasn’t my job to fix him and I knew the strain it would put on our relationship until he chose to go on his own healing journey.

I told him, “If you’re dependent on this one thing to make you either feel whole or complete, it will put a major strain on the relationship.” That was the trigger for him that began to make his Ego spiral.

The next night he called me at 11 to break it off. I was shocked. So shocked, in fact, I felt my energy drain from my body. I sat there, silent, nearly numb. In that moment, no matter how hard I tried to remain open in my heart, I felt a wall being built around every part of me.

The next day, when all my feelings began to surface, I noticed my own triggers begin to pop up. When I actually tried to connect, he became cold, and the energetic battle began.

The Celestine Prophecy* talks about this as the “struggle for power”. When someone is not connecting directly to Source, they begin to engage in power struggles (or the Energy Control Drama) in order to receive energy from others.

For a month, he was tapped into my energy field, receiving unlimited hits of the energy I was carefully and intentionally maintaining each and every day. It’s why before he met me, his experience of life was lonely and depressed. He believed the reason he felt so much better during our time together was because he learned so much from me (even though he hadn’t implemented any of it), when in actuality he was simply just feeling energetically aligned by simply being in my energy field.

During my day of triggers, I found myself getting frustrated. Although my triggers were mild and barely noticeable to the average person, I know how it felt in my body. I wasn’t feeling aligned. I was sad, enraged, and feeling depleted. Luckily, a friend reminded me, “Anne, your energy is insanely powerful. Not everyone gets unlimited free access to it. It’s time for you to reclaim your energy and take that shit back.”

That night, I sat in meditation and did some cord-cutting meditations. I not only cut the energetic cord with him, but with others in my life who had latched on over time. I immediately felt more empowered and at peace, and then I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke to an Ego-driven text from him insulting me, “This attitude is sour and ugly, I’m glad I saw this side of you before we got too much further involved.” Then, he told me he would be blocking me.

Although I was triggered by more rejection, I took my power back, pulled my energy in even tighter, and ended up having the best day I had had in a long time. All the energy I had reclaimed was pulsing through my body. I wondered if he had even noticed that he no longer had access to the energetic drug he had been on for the previous month.

That night, another text came in.

“Well, maybe not blocked but on timeout.” As I skimmed through the novel-long text, I saw his Ego spiral in full effect.

“You’re acting way crazier than any ex-girlfriend I have ever had. And you’re the spiritual teacher? The fuck? I don’t like the way you’re making me feel. I don’t like all the attacking of my reasons. You are making me feel unhappy so you can be right. Do you need to defeat me to win me back? Anne, you are playing the victim and it’s pathetic and it’s not you.”

I sat there, stunned.

I noticed my Ego wanting to lash out to disprove every insult he threw at me. She hates nothing more than for my integrity to be in question. But then, I remembered what was happening.

He felt powerless.

Although I knew he had the ability to connect to the same power I have been connecting to for years, he didn’t know how to. He was attacking me as a way to receive love because he had no clue how to give it to himself.

I chose not to respond, knowing there was nothing I could say that he would actually hear.

I had come into his life, disrupting everything he had ever been taught and he didn’t have the tools to be able to manage the fears that were arising.

My life contradicts everything he knows to be true about his own. He needs to attack me in order to attempt preventing his entire life built on illusions from crumbling to the ground.

He attacks because he is grasping for love.

And that is how I find my compassion for others when I’m in the direct line of fire.

*This article contains affiliate links, which means if you click and buy the book, I’ll receive compensation for it.

I let it go to receive it all

February 9, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Today I believe I wrote the ending for Book Three, even though the ending has been uncovering itself for the past month.

Book One begins with me entering into what ended up being the most devastating heartbreak I had ever experienced. I take my reader through the journey of what healing codependency, addiction, and surrendering to a spiritual awakening looks like behind-the-scenes.

Three years ago, this three-book series was truly beginning to evolve. In February 2017, I went to a gong bath in Chicago. During that experience, I remember lying on my yoga mat, allowing the vibration of the gongs to pulse through my body. It was so transformative, I felt as though my body was being lifted off the mat.

In that moment, I had a profound experience where I silently said to God (an energy I still didn’t fully understand or have a true relationship with yet), “Take me. Have your way with me.” Ultimately, I sacrificed my life to God/Spirit/Source/Universe. I surrendered to my soul, completely unsure where it would lead me.

During that same meditation, I had a vision of myself and a man. It was not the man I had previously been in a relationship with and it was not a man I knew. His energy was different than anything I had experienced and as I walked out that night, I told the owner of the yoga studio, “I saw my soulmate.”

I don’t believe we have one soulmate, but I knew that man was a man I was meant to journey with in this lifetime.

Within the same month, I received the whisper of my soul, “Sell your stuff and hit the road. Travel full-time.” It didn’t make sense. I didn’t own a car and I wasn’t sure how my cats would feel about a life on the road.

Signs for California began to come in fast and furious, and I knew California would be an important part of my journey. Although many in my life began to ask questions such as, “Where in California? When will you go? How long will you be there?” I knew my journey wasn’t about California. It was about who I became on my way to California.

In July 2017, I sacrificed my entire life on an intuitive hit and a gut feeling. I let it all go with the belief that I would gain more than I ever lost.

The first two-thirds of my journey had very little to do with the vision of my partner and the energy I felt on that February night in Chicago.

Within the past year, I have been more focused on aligning with that vision. I have been healing the lingering deep-seated wounds of codependency, loss, and abandonment in order to show up and be the healthiest version of myself for my future partner. I healed trauma all while moving around full-time, as well as writing, editing, and releasing Book One.

In October 2019, I went through rapid-fire dating. Men left as quickly as they came in and even though each one showed multiple signs of the man I was looking for, no one chose to step up.

Each time I faced rejection and abandonment, I reunited myself with the comforting energy of my future partner. I felt him around me and I could see him (although he remained faceless) and hear him. He would tell me, “I’m grateful to all the men who left you because they drove you straight to me.”

Every time I wanted to leave Phoenix, something kept me here. Once I knew I was meant to meet someone here, I decided to surrender the timeline and stay until I met him.

In January, I met someone who embodied the list of qualities I have desired for years. He is the energy I went to for comfort years before meeting. He’s not what I expected and yet I see exactly how it all came together.

It is the first time I have ever not experienced fear around entering into a partnership with someone. It is the first time I have had a genuine desire to stay put in order to explore a connection.

The Journey of Letting It All Go had to end at some point. Book Three was destined to end.

My journey is not over. I am not giving up being a nomad. I am not rooting down forever. I am closing the book on one journey in order to begin a new one.

My next journey includes someone else, as I knew it would when I left the Midwest in October.

I had to let it all go in order to receive the life I only ever imagined of.