I was chatting with a mentor the other day and she told me something I’ve known deep down for awhile, but haven’t really wanted to face, “Anne, you’re addicted to the pain. When you’re in pain it gives you something to fix.”
She and I have talked about it a few times and have pinpointed it in a few areas of my life (simple and more complex):
*I wait until I’m about to piss my pants to go to the bathroom.
*I wait until I’m fucking starving and almost shaking before I eat something (when I’m in the middle of creating, especially)
*I allow my bank account to drain (It’s not that I can’t make money, I just make it really fucking hard on myself)
*I have always been in roller coaster relationships
You all know how I have allowed this addiction to pain to play out in previous relationships and I see the cycle trying to come back with this new guy I’m chatting with. The past 48 hours have been a complete replay of old patterns and triggers.
-Everything is going well
-I’m emotionally triggered by something else (not getting accepted into the marathon)
-I want him to fix it. I want him to take away the pain. (ie make him responsible for my happiness)
-He stops texting earlier than usual and then I don’t hear from him for almost another 24 hours
That is exactly where I go from being sweet, kind, and loving to “go fuck yourself” in about .2 seconds.
So I had to slow down and become aware.
Why am I so angry?
What is the anger covering up?
What am I making him responsible for that I need to take responsibility of?
How am I truly feeling?
What am I wanting?
How can I give those things to myself?
As I dug deeper, I started to uncover what was really going on for me. On Monday night, we had a really great conversation and I became really open and vulnerable. I shared about my fear of being seen and then felt like I was just left there hanging, completely open and vulnerable. My inner child felt abandoned, again. <<<< THAT is one of my biggest triggers.
Why did I feel the need to tell him about my fear?
Because I’ve been working on speaking my truth unapologetically and being authentically myself. I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly hiding.
So if I was doing it for myself, why did I need anything from him?
I was relying on him to validate my worth, my value. I was relying on him to make me feel better.
Because my inner-child was triggered. She was triggered by the fear of abandonment. She was triggered by the illusion that love is conditional. She forgot that she is always loved, no matter what.
So once I pinpointed the trigger, what did I do?
I stopped. I paused.
Ego wanted to send, “Fuck you. I deserve better than this.”
What did I do instead?
I meditated. I saw things from another side. I reminded myself I had no clue what was ACTUALLY happening. I had completely created a story based off of the “abandonment” perception I sometimes see life through.
Once I released and started giving to myself what I had been wanting, I heard from him. He had no clue what was going on and thought that I had been extra quiet and ended up reaching out to tell me goodnight.
My energy perpetuated the story. Do you see that?
Once I created the story, I put up the wall and ego was all like, “Oh hell no. Don’t be nice to him. Don’t text him. Don’t give him shit!”
What did I receive in return? Nothing.
Once I shifted from fear to love, once I felt compassion for him and gave myself love, the energy IMMEDIATELY shifted and he reached out.
“It was you
The pill I keep taking
The nightmare I’m waking
There’s nothing, no nothing, nothing but you
My perfect rock bottom
My beautiful trauma
My love, my love, my drug”
What’s your drug? What are you addicted to that perpetuates patterns in your life? What is your main trigger point? What illusion do you constantly see the world through? What story are you consistently projecting onto others?
It is not their job to do anything for you. It is your job. It is YOUR job to be aware of your triggers, look at your triggers, ask the hard questions, and then shift from fear to love on a moment to moment basis.