The narrow path

March 17, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Photo by Ray Fragapane on Unsplash

I’m starting a new journey within my journey. This journey started out slowly but has recently been picking up the pace pretty quickly. It’s interesting to me to look back at the timing of things and see how things really played out.

I was an intuitive nomad from July 2017-July 2020. That journey really began in February 2017 when I surrendered my life to God. I thought it would end with a partner, but when I left Phoenix to go to Utah and returned back to Phoenix in July 2020, I returned still single. I knew that journey was over, but it felt like an abrupt ending without a real conclusion.

I couldn’t work on the next two books in the series because I couldn’t see the big picture (even though the first draft of Book Two has been written). While in Utah, the Bible nearly fell in my lap. I was already reading A Course in Love and writing to Jesus every day. I wanted to know Jesus and that was the only thing that made sense to me at the time, until the Bible entered my life.

When I returned to Phoenix, I started my first Bible study. Little did I know, the man I spent three years on the road searching for was Jesus. It took me six months to realize that. Once I realized that was the source of the love I kept feeling in my most challenging times, I knew I never wanted anything else in my life. I didn’t need another path.

A few weeks before that realization, I was out for a hike and Bible verses I hadn’t read first hand started to come to my mind:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is there anything worth more than your soul?”

Matthew 16:24-26

I reflected back on my nomadic journey and started to feel discouraged about all the things I hadn’t experienced. I had such a different level of awareness being on the other side of it and I wished that I could have experienced that level of travel through the new lens of understanding Christ. How would my journey have been different if I had known how to listen to the Holy Spirit versus my intuition?

During the same hike in the middle of this reflection, while listening to Tasha Cobbs Leonard, lyrics started to confirm what I already knew:

I have decided to follow Jesus

No turning back

The cross before me

The world behind me

The cross before me

The world behind

The cross before me

The world behind me

No turning back

Tears immediately began welling up in my eyes because on a conscious level, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to follow Jesus, but the pull was so strong and the love was so deep, I had to.

While working with a mentor I had chosen to work with for a few weeks, before realizing the impact of that hiking experience, he said to me, “You’re trying to walk a road that very few or no one has walked and what you’re doing is you’re walking on the road that everyone is walking on. You’ll never belong on that road and you’ll never feel comfortable on that road. No one will ever see you on that road, because that’s not what you’re good at. You would be doing something to make money rather than doing what your calling is to do, which is exactly what you don’t want to do.”

Neither of us knew how impactful those words would be three months later (as I’m writing this).

In our next session, I told him I was being called to follow Jesus. Our intention wasn’t necessarily to put our work on hold, but it ended up naturally happening. He left me with the message that I was becoming “a nomad of Christ” and his assignment was for me to find a church to get into a community.

That same week, I started watching the services online of the church I now attend in person.

After two months of watching online, I finally decided to go in person. I filled out the new guest information, emailed one of the pastors so I could voice my fears and honestly, I committed to meeting with a pastor so I could no longer hide. I was holding myself accountable to what was being asked of me.

While looking around on their website, I came across the 1:1 discipleship program. I watched the video, read the description and thought, “That sounds interesting. It would probably be helpful for me to be connected with someone who has been on their walk with Christ longer.” Within two weeks, I was paired with someone and during our first meeting, I started sharing how I came to Christ and I reflected on what my previous mentor had said to me about the path I needed to walk on versus the one I had been walking on.

She laughed and reminded me:

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Matthew 7:13-14

I smiled and said to her, “I thought the same thing.”

During our meeting, she also said to me, “You’re a writer. I’m going to encourage you to write about this journey. I won’t ever ask to see it, but I’m going to ask how your journaling is going.”

At the end of the day, I settled in to do my evening reading. Part of the program is to each day read a few chapters of the Bible, chronologically, as well as the supplemental book with additional resources. Chapter 1 was all about the call to follow Jesus.

As I read through, it began to hit me harder and harder. There is not only a cost of discipleship, there is a cost when we refuse Jesus’ call. I already knew the cost of refusing Jesus’ call— the last four years of my spiritual journey, which had been the hardest years of my life. I could no longer afford to refuse the call any longer. There was a quote from Vernon McGee, “There is a difference between being a believer and being a disciple,” followed by four expectations for being a disciple of Jesus Christ:

Jesus must have the highest priority in our relationships.
Jesus demands the highest level of self-sacrifice.
Jesus asks us to take the greatest care in counting the cost.
Jesus requires a personal willingness to surrender all things to Him.

(Thru the Bible with J. Vernon McGee by J. Vernon McGee)

Something within me lit up. I can’t explain it and I don’t know how this will transform things in my life. I just know that when I surrendered my life to God in 2017, the three years that led me to Jesus prepared me for this, whatever this is.

Who would’ve ever thought that the former preacher’s kid who used to bring Satanic music to Sunday School and denied God existed would years later surrender it all to become a disciple of Jesus?

I guess He really does call the ones we’d least expect, huh?

Common misconceptions of Christianity

March 2, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

I never thought I would be a Jesus blogger. That was not on my list of “things I want to be when I grow up”. In fact, I made sure my life went in the exact opposite direction of “Jesus blogger”. I’ve met all kinds of “I love me some Jesus” people and I would always think to myself, “That’s great for you but also, I have nothing in common with you.” It feels like beating a dead horse sometimes to remind you that I grew up in the church with my dad as a minister, but I continue to share that tidbit of information in case someone is new to me.

I grew up in the church but never identified as a Christian. I was agnostic at best. My level of understanding went something like this:

So there’s God (he’s kind of a big deal). Then there’s Jesus. He’s the reason we celebrate Christmas and Easter. He died (in a terrible way) but not to worry cuz he’s coming back! There’s also other people and other things that happened but that’s all filler and doesn’t really matter.

Yes, that level of understanding coming from the preacher’s kid who went to church, Sunday School, and Vacation Bible School in the summer. Church was simply an activity and an obligation for most of my life until I graduated high school. Once I was in college and went home to visit, I went to church to support my dad but never because I believed a word of it. I didn’t understand the purpose or application to my life.

Again, you most likely know my story. If not, you can read the beginning of it in Radical Rebirth. I, too, had the cliche rock bottom on my bathroom floor, praying to a God I didn’t know. As I’ve thought more about it, though, I’ve started to wonder, “Is it really that cliche?” How many stories have you heard from others where when things got really difficult in their lives, they called out to God? Even non-believers have been known to call out to God when things have gotten painful enough in their lives. Does that mean there’s something innately within us that knows to reach out to our Creator when the pain has gotten to be too much to bear?

I started down the path of cultivating a relationship with God by completely avoiding what is known as “His word” (the Bible). The Bible felt completely overwhelming with my level of understanding at that time, so I decided to go down the metaphysical New Age/New Thought movement route instead. In the back of my mind, though, I had Jesus and Moses reminding me they were always there when I was ready to visit their stories.

In January 2021, after a few months of half-assing reading the Bible, I truly committed to it. I committed to spending every morning in scripture and prayer. I asked for guidance from Christians I trusted (including other pastors I knew) and I began to spend a decent amount of time between the old testament and new testament in order to get a pretty broad understanding of it. (Full disclosure: At the point of writing this, I still have not made it through the entire Bible. I continue to run things by others who have read the entire Bible multiple times to make sure I am understanding it accurately).

A few of the books that began to help with my understanding: John, Romans, Matthew, Galatians, 1 John. Genesis, Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Elijah were a few that stood out, as well. Job comes up a lot for others, but I haven’t read it yet.

There were some pretty common core questions and doubts I had when I first started reading the Bible (which also happen to be some of the other projections others have thrown at me, as well), so I wanted to share my personal take on these common misconceptions and hopefully bring it down to a basic level of understanding for anyone who is potentially struggling with the same questions or misconceptions.

We must fear God.
We have to follow rules in order to be loved by God (and go to Heaven).
Gay people are going to hell.

I know these are not the only ones, but these are some that I really struggled with. “How can I be a Christian if these things are true?”

One thing that really bothered me was “fear God”. It didn’t make sense to me. If God is so loving then why should we fear Him? In fact, when I was on dating apps and I saw anyone who identified as a “God fearing man”, I immediately swiped left because I didn’t want a man who lived his life in fear. I simply didn’t understand what it meant, especially when in the Bible it also states “fear not”. If you do even just a basic Internet search, you’ll see this talked about in a variety of ways, but my most basic understanding is this: to fear God means to be in awe of Him. When we are in awe of someone or something, we have respect for them/it. We naturally begin to live a much different life when we live from a foundation of respect.

This naturally brings me to the next misconception. We have to follow rules in order to be loved by God and therefore go to Heaven. Another question that commonly gets asked is, “If we’re all God’s children, then why does He seem to favor some but not others?” There are a few pieces to this one. First of all, “we’re all God’s children” is a lie. God wants us to all be His children, but He also gave us free will to choose. If someone genuinely wants to be His, He wants that just as much. There’s a key player in this whole “we have to follow rules in order to be loved by God” belief. Jesus. He’s kind of a big deal and I didn’t understand his role for my entire life. First we have to accept that we’re all sinners. All of us. The word “sinner” triggers a lot of people. I get that. The simplest way I have come to understand “sinner” is simply being imperfect or unholy. We’re all imperfect. I think we can all agree on that and therefore because we’re all imperfect, we’re all sinners, regardless of what our intentions are. You could have the best intentions in the world and still be imperfect.

In the days before Jesus, the punishment for sin was death. Intense, right? Yeah, I know. It’s hard to be on board with the whole “God is love” belief, but stay with me. In the old testament we see a lot of sacrifices of animals and children because of the punishment of death. But then, Jesus came along (whose life and death was prophesied in the old testament) and completely changed the game. Not only was Jesus God’s only son, but was God Himself. When He died on the cross, He made the ultimate sacrifice so we would never have to pay the price of death again. Jesus had already done it for us, knowing that we’re imperfect and would naturally live a life of sin. Through believing in Jesus and what He did for us, we basically have an advocate who loves us unconditionally. The only “rule” is that we must believe in Him.

Now, there are a variety of ways to live your life. You can live your life knowing the standards God has set for our lives and be like, “Whatever, I get a free pass because Jesus already paid the price for me.” Or (and this is how I have begun to transform), you can have such respect for what God has done and be in awe of that level of love, you naturally want to obey Him, knowing you will still make mistakes and be imperfect because that is who we are as humans. When we make mistakes, we simply ask for forgiveness (aka repent for our sins). We are not righteous (right with God) because of what we do. We are righteous because of our faith.

Now for the misconception that is the most divisive, I think. I’m going to attempt to be as clear as possible and tread lightly on this one because I understand this is extremely personal for so many out there. There are a lot of Christians who preach that gay people are going to hell. Does the Bible talk about it being a sin? Yes. Does the Bible state that homosexuals are going to hell? No. Not simply for being homosexual. The Bible states that sinners or non-believers are, but it does not single out the gay population. This was one I personally struggled with and spent many hours reflecting on back in January. Some of my best friends are gay. When I lived in Gainesville, I spent 7 years playing electric violin in a queer band. I’ve had multiple crushes on women throughout my lifetime and I dated a woman for a short period of time before moving to Houston.

I think when it comes to personal relationships and those we love, it of course feels like a personal attack. As I read through the Bible, I have had my own personal questions and struggles, “Can I not have sex with my boyfriend?” God has some things to say regarding divorce, as well (another sin I’ve committed). It’s easy to go to, “But I was in an abusive marriage. Would God not want me to leave that?” The thing to keep in mind, in my opinion, is simply this— we’re all imperfect. We’ve all committed sin. Whether we agree with it or not doesn’t really matter. We still have free will to continue doing the thing(s) God has told us not to. At the end of the day, it’s not about what we do or don’t do. It’s whether we have faith and believe in the fact that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for us, knowing no matter how hard we try, we will always fall short of perfection.

The beautiful thing about Christianity, in my opinion, is it puts us all on a level playing field. We’re all making mistakes doing the best we can most days and none of us are so far gone or too broken for God. God has quite the wrath and punishment for those who choose to deny Him, but for those of us who choose to come to Him, there is an immense amount of love and compassion. Sin is sin. Imperfection is imperfection. It’s human nature to want to point out someone else’s faults instead of looking at our own, so if you hear a Christian stating that gays are going to hell that’s not 100% accurate from what I understand about the Bible. Gay believers can go to Heaven, too.

As always, don’t take my word for it. Read the Bible and begin to understand it for yourself. I honestly thought it was going to be a lot more complicated than it is. Once I started to dive in, I began to understand it pretty quickly. I’m currently reading the New Believer’s Bible (NLT), which has really come in handy.

If I had to sum up Christianity in an easy to understand way (remember, I used to be a Kindergarten and 1st grade teacher), it would be this—

Hey, you’re not perfect because you’re not God, so you’re gonna eff up. But good news! No more needing to sacrifice animals and children because you know, Jesus. Believe in Jesus, don’t deny Him, and let the Holy Spirit heal you from being an a-hole. Boom. Eternal life.

Hope this helps, friends!

For anyone who has the question, “Can I trust the Bible?” The below video was from the first service I watched from the church I now attend and am choosing to get involved in. It helped answer a ton of questions for me.

A new beginning

February 3, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog 4 Comments

I never imagined I would be sitting down to write this story, but sometimes those are the best stories, aren’t they?

For years, I’ve been sharing my dating journey and stories very publicly through social media updates, blogs, and podcast episodes. From October 2019 to June 2020 specifically, I was very aware of signs, synchronicities, and where I felt I was being led when it came to the men I was meeting. In fact, much of my third book (still in the process of being written) is about much of my dating journey. I really believed Book Three would end with a partner. Many of you know it did not.

I headed off to Utah, fully expecting my life of nomadic travel to continue. You know the story— I was guided back to Phoenix to root down. At the same time I was making that transition, Jesus began knocking louder. When I returned to Phoenix, I started reading the Bible regularly as I circled around Phoenix, staying in different Airbnbs. I had no clue how much things would begin to change in my life, but God got to work pretty quickly.

At the end of September 2020, I scrolled through Facebook and came across a new friend’s post about taxes. Against any logic (I’m not one who gets intrigued by convos regarding taxes), I came across a comment from a man recommending a book. I commented, sent him a friend request (he was cute, single, and seemed like a nice guy), and he then sent me the first message.

When Brandon asked about my business, I ran down the list of things I do, and his response couldn’t have been any more fulfilling to my ego, “That’s not an entrepreneur, that’s a tycoon!” We sent a few more messages that night, probably both believing it would fizzle fairly quickly. He lived in the Midwest and I was rooting down in Phoenix. If anything, I figured we’d have a few flirty messages and eventually find partners in our own areas of the country.

Over the next month, the conversations continued on and off. He (not so) jokingly tried to get me to move back to the Midwest (which, being an Iowa girl, was going to be a lost cause. I’ve been craving the west for a long time and had no desire to go back to farmland). We moved from Facebook messenger to texting and when I gave him my number, I jokingly told him, “Write it down on a piece of paper, old school style. That way years down the road if this ends up being something, you’ll remember the night you got my phone number.”

He made me a video. First, the camera was on his face with the look of, “You’re so annoyingly cute, so I’m going to do this just for you.” The camera then turned around to face his pen and paper as I watched him write, “Potential life partner.” He crossed out “life” and subbed in “wife”, then wrote down my number. I immediately started laughing and thought to myself, “Never gonna happen, dude.” It wasn’t him. I had no desire to be a wife after having already been married for a couple years back in 2013. I wanted a lifelong partner, but I could take or leave the wife role.

We spent the next nearly two months just talking on and off as friends and not much more. I was entertaining relationships with other men, including the idea of rekindling a relationship with Morgan (the main relationship I wrote about in Radical Rebirth) if he ever entered back into my life. I also had a few conversations with Anton (again from Radical Rebirth) about coming to visit but even in one of our conversations, Anton said to me, “I think you’ll be meeting someone soon.”

I was on and off of dating apps, while also trying to rekindle things with men along the way until finally God boldly said, “Stop. Stop trying.” He had already told me my partner wasn’t on a dating app, but I had no interest in hearing that. I was continuously guided back to my Bible, while also reading The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran and I remember very clearly having a deep realization of what God was asking of me. Against all logic and my normal desires, God was asking me to be open to getting married again one day. Not only did I want God first in my own life, but I wanted a partner who put God first in theirs. In addition, I was realizing God was guiding me to be with someone who would understand the importance of putting God first in our relationship.

All of a sudden, I had a craving for a man who would be a true leader in our relationship. I wanted a man who understood what it meant to truly honor me as a woman. I wanted a man who would pray not just for me but for our relationship. I knew, but wasn’t ready to accept yet, I wanted a Christian relationship. I didn’t even identify as a Christian, but I wanted a Christian man.

By January 2021, I was being strongly called by Jesus and was being asked to remove any spiritual paraphernalia from my home and to commit to a Christian path. I swapped out my crystal necklace for a silver cross and Brandon was one of the first people I messaged.

“Jesus and I have been getting quite close lately.”

“That’s good. What’s happening with it?”

I sent him a few voice messages to tell him and then sent him a picture of my cross necklace.

“I’m glad you’re getting closer with him!”

In one of our previous conversations, he shared with me his own struggles with Jesus, in which I jokingly stated, “Maybe my role is to help bring you back to the Bible.” I laughed at the absurdity of that statement and months later, I began to realize it could actually happen.

During my transition to Christianity, I began to feel naturally closer to him. He hadn’t experienced what I had on my own spiritual journey the last four years, but he was always a gentle, listening ear when I had my own revelations and reflections. He was someone I could share resources with that I was enjoying in my own life. Between Brandon and our mutual friend who is a pastor, I began to feel this small sense of protection surrounding me. Both began to check in on me to see how I was doing and I felt as though Jesus was saying to me, “You will never be alone. You will always be protected.”

As the turmoil within the country got more chaotic, the fear within me began to build. I was becoming extremely aware that it was just me— and my two cats. Although I had always felt safe and protected, I could feel that deep sense of, “I don’t want to do this alone anymore. I know I can, but I don’t want to.” The night before the inauguration, as helicopters began circling over my apartment and I began to fear the worst case scenario of a dystopian society or riots, I reached back out to Brandon and he reassured me, “Nothing is going to happen to you. If I ever believed you were actually in danger, I would be there.”

For months, I wondered to myself, “Am I supposed to be paying attention to this guy?” I noticed my resistance to commit to anything, really, in my life. In my faith journey it was, “Yeah, I’m checking out this Christianity thing,” and with Brandon it was, “You’re a nice guy and all, but I don’t really know if I want to see what’s there.” My fear of commitment was rearing its ugly head again. It’s not that I didn’t want to commit. I had been in plenty of committed relationships, but when I sat with it, I realized at the core of the fear was, “What if I lose myself? What if I lose who I am? What if I lose who I’ve been? What if my nomadic journey gets swept under the rug as if it never happened? What if all the magic I experienced as an intuitive nomad doesn’t exist within the life of a committed Christian?”

I sat with it and Jesus began to speak to me again, “Commit to me. It is only in being willing to commit to me that you will be able to commit to another man.” For years (my entire life, really) I showed up in relationships in the masculine role. I was the dominant leader who wanted to tell a man how to respond to and love me. What would it mean if I gave up that role? Who would I be if I fully embraced my feminine, allowing a man to support me, hold space for me, and lead me? As I continued to sit with those questions, I knew why I didn’t feel close to Brandon— I didn’t allow myself to.

I didn’t allow myself to actually like him. I didn’t allow myself to really show up with him. I always approached him, keeping him at arm’s length, making sure he knew I was stubborn as hell. I knew what I needed to do, and it terrified me. Be vulnerable. Let him know your fears and just see how he responds.

I don’t remember what I told him, but I remember dropping into my feminine and opening up my heart to him. I remember sharing my fears, afraid that he would just dismiss them and crack some joke (we both use humor a lot in our communication). He did the exact opposite. He heard me. He held space for me. He honored that there was nothing to fix within me. That was the beginning of understanding what a special man I had in my life for months without even knowing it.

For days, I doubted what I was feeling was real, so I asked Jesus to show me. When the FOMO (fear of missing out) popped up, I went into prayer, asking Jesus to show me very clearly the direction I was meant to go in. The more I prayed, the more Brandon showed up with the qualities I’ve always desired in a man. The more I expressed myself vulnerably, the more he listened and held space. The more we talked, the more we both realized that the futures we each had been envisioning for our individual lives for years aligned. There was no trying to figure out how to fit one person into the others’ vision for their life. Our visions and individual skills complemented each other perfectly. Neither of us are perfect, but we meet each other at the appropriate place for massive potential growth.

For nearly a week straight, I continued to ask Jesus to show me that I was actually supposed to explore this connection. I prayed for Brandon, not just in his own relationship with Jesus but prayed for him to go to Jesus for guidance on how to lead me. After a morning of miscommunication and frustration, wanting to go back to my masculine ways of, “Do this!” I chose to pause. I chose to drop back into my heart and speak from vulnerability once again.

Before I knew it, I was receiving a message, “I don’t know why, but I’m feeling called to pray right now.” I sat there, eyes wide open, listening in disbelief to this loving, compassionate man praying. He prayed words of thanksgiving, thanking God for bringing me into his life. He prayed for guidance and more specifically, “God, please show me how to be a leader for Anne.” A smile crept across my face. God was guiding him to do exactly what I had prayed for. I didn’t need to try to control anything because I knew I was connected to a man who would go to God for guidance not just within his own life, but within our relationship, as well.

Many will look at the beginning of our story from the outside in with all kinds of doubts, judgments, projections, and fears based off of their own lives. I look at our story and know there is so much I couldn’t possibly share in one small piece of writing. I know the hours of conversations we’ve had, the intimate and vulnerable details we’ve shared with one another, and most of all, our hearts. I know we did not come together impulsively out of a need or lack.

I know all the times we knew on paper there was no reason it made sense to pursue it and how God kept guiding us back to one another. I know when God said to me, “This may not be what you thought you wanted for your life, but it’s what you need.” I know above all else that as long as we continue to put God first in our own lives and within our relationship, we will always be guided.

I don’t know exactly what will come of all of this, but I have every reason to believe it’s the beginning of something beautiful.

Signs and symbols

January 24, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Signs and symbols.

For years I’ve been following signs and symbols, not just around the country when I became a nomad but before that when I started down my spiritual path in 2016. Everything had a meaning if I looked deep enough.

Angel numbers.

Spirit animals.

Colors.

Songs.

License plates.

Tarot/oracle cards.

Phrases.

I may not have known what everything meant all the time, but there was no shortage of signs that followed me around my day-to-day life.

As a nomad, I had many signs that were pretty regular— certain state license plates, moose anything, and the John Muir quote, “The mountains are calling and I must go.” The signs that were in my everyday life (whether they followed me or I followed them) were pretty much up to my own interpretation and intuition.

What’s interesting to me as I sift and sort through my journey the last few years is that there have also been signs rooted in the Bible. I never paid attention to them before because I had never read the Bible, nor did I have any interest in reading it.

For years on the road, I was following an energy around the country. It was the energy of my future partner, whom I called “Tyler”. I knew exactly what the energy felt like and knew I would know it as soon as I experienced it with someone. Many times when I experienced disappointment and heartache, I would crawl into bed and feel the energy of “Tyler” engulfing me.

In October 2019 as I was staying with a friend in Iowa for a few nights before heading back out west, I booked an Airbnb through my usual system of pulling out the atlas and pendulum and then reading the energy in the Airbnb listings to find the “perfect place”. As I’ve begun to walk away from New Age beliefs and practices, I definitely have some questions and doubts about who/what exactly was guiding me around the country, but given that I surrendered my life to God in 2016, I have to believe that on some level God was always protecting me.

After I booked my next place in Kansas before continuing onto Colorado, my friend received the message, “You’ll see signs for Tyler.”

When I walked into my Airbnb in Kansas, I saw lots of signs that could potentially have been guiding me toward “Tyler”. There was a moose above the fireplace, it had a cute cabin feel, and in the bathroom were two signs, “The mountains are calling and I must go” and “Adventure begins”.

There were other signs I was curious about and put them in my back pocket just in case they meant something down the road, but I was pretty sure they were just supplemental and to be honest, they didn’t really make sense.

Above the recliner in the corner was the word “faith”. Of course faith meant something to me but it didn’t mean to me then what it means to me now. Many times I thought I had unconditional faith but the truth is, I didn’t. I still don’t. I’m working each and every day towards surrendering more and cultivating deeper and deeper unconditional faith. But at that point in my life, what did I really have faith in? What was that faith actually rooted in? I wasn’t really sure.

The other sign that made no sense back then was Isaiah 54:10. I Googled it back then and naturally, I was confused:

For the mountains may move

and the hills disappear,

but even then my faithful love for you

will remain.

My covenant of blessing will never

be broken.

As I’ve been exploring my journey through Christianity (which is extremely new, many of you know), one of my biggest questions has been, “What do I trust? What information do I trust? As someone who has channeled for years and received intuitive hits on a regular basis, how do I know the source?”

I was recently told, “There are only two sources— God and Satan. There is no neutrality. All information you receive must first go through the grid of scripture.” Many of you may read that and completely disagree and want to throw it out. That is absolutely your right to do so. I find it fascinating. I have questions, doubts, fears, and uncertainties. I’m also willing to test it out in my own life to see just how powerful Jesus is.

I once read a book called The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer. The gist of the book is that whatever life asked of him, he said “yes”. It didn’t matter whether he wanted to do it or not; if life was asking it of him, he said “yes”. In some ways, I practiced that as a nomad. I said “yes” and traveled to places I didn’t necessarily want to go to (Phoenix, for example) in order to see what gift and lesson was waiting for me. The practice of surrendering fascinates me and I’d be lying if I told you surrendering to living based on the teachings of the Bible doesn’t fascinate me, as well.

How would my life change and transform if I believed there are only two sources— God and Satan? Where would my life be led if I ran all information through the grid of scripture and made decisions through that lens? What if I was less impulsive and waited to make sure it was really God guiding me and nothing else?

As I’ve spent my days connecting with Jesus, praying, reading the Bible, and removing other spiritual paraphernalia out of my home, I have come to the conclusion that the energy I was following around the country wasn’t “Tyler”. It was Jesus. That energy is unmistakable and anyone who has experienced it knows exactly what I’m talking about. Nothing in the world compares to being engulfed in that amount of love.

Yesterday as I returned home from the store, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a rainbow across the alley from my back door. Today as I reflected on what to write, I searched rainbow symbolism in the Bible. Of course, I was brought back to the book of Isaiah. I was led to the verse immediately before 54:10.

Isaiah 54:9

Just as I swore in the time of Noah

that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,

so now I swear

that I will never again be angry and

punish you.

We see rainbows after storms and it is supposedly the sign that the earth will no longer be destroyed by a flood.

When we’ve had our lives seemingly destroyed, it can feel harder and harder to have faith in God. But seeing that rainbow yesterday guided me back to Isaiah:

Just as I swore in the time of Noah

that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,

so now I swear

that I will never again be angry and

punish you.

For the mountains may move

and the hills disappear,

but even then my faithful love for you

will remain.

My covenant of blessing will never

be broken.

I’ve heard that God is faithful and never breaks promises. I can’t sit here and tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that’s true. I don’t simply take what others tell me at face value and I would never ask anyone else to do it either. I’ve been asking God to show me.

Show me you don’t break promises. Show me it is safe to have unconditional faith.

The rainbow is the first sign I’ve received to take my next slow, steady step forward in cultivating unconditional faith— in God and nothing else.

Beauty in the ordinary

January 23, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

It’s Saturday morning, which means book study with my dad and step mom (who currently live most of the year in Italy). Saturday mornings were not always book study days. They used to just be Saturday mornings— coffee, pajamas, and reflecting on what I wanted to do the rest of the day.

This new book study tradition actually began last year when my mom asked if I’d like to read the Bible and do a Bible study with her, which I oddly enough agreed to. My initial thought was, “I don’t really want to commit to a schedule of reading the Bible. If I’m gonna read the Bible, I’d kind of like to do it on my own time.” Pretty sure that’s my Ego’s code for, “Please give me an exit plan.”

There was something deeper within me, though, that spoke up and said, “Yes.” Against all logic, I committed to a weekly Bible study. From there, my dad expressed the desire to also do some kind of weekly book study with me. At first, we began with a book about Jesus (to keep with the Bible theme, but something a little less “scholarly”, coming from a retired minister). Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time, evolved into adding in my step mom to read Home with God. Once I was called to commit to my Christian journey, though, we put Home with God on hold and chose a new book.

I ended up choosing The Remarkable Ordinary by Fredrick Buechner. Buechner has actually been a mentor of my dad’s and although I have my childish moments of, “Let me do this on my own, with my own path,” this book spoke to me. I don’t mean childish as in immature. I mean childish as in— I’m the youngest of three children, the “baby”, and the only girl. I’ve spent much of my life in the shadow of others and to go down the Christian path, exploring Jesus for myself, with my retired minister father watching the whole way can feel a little daunting at times.

It’s not just my dad. I know I’m not the first person to ever be new to Christianity, but there’s something sacred about exploring a path like Christianity for the first time. There’s history, depth, beauty, pain, and much judgment that surrounds the Bible, Christianity, and especially the church. There’s a lot to unpack around who Jesus was. Everyone has their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences, and projections.

It’s becoming an interesting experience to listen to what others have to say about their experience, while not allowing it to taint my personal experience and the magic waiting to be discovered.

This morning while discussing The Remarkable Ordinary, a discussion arose around the beauty and magic in every “ordinary” moment. I discussed with my parents about the pairing of pictures with my words, whether it’s through social media posts or blogs. Oftentimes when I’m out and about, something will catch my eye that creates a spiritual experience within me, but if I can’t quite capture the right photo, the experience is never written. It gets tucked away with all the other thoughts, moments, and experiences others don’t know about me.

I started to wonder, “What if I simply took snapshots of my life and instead of focusing on the perfection of the picture, allowed the ordinary to simply be and instead express what’s actually flowing through me in that moment? What if I truly allowed others to see through the lens in which I see the world?”

As I sat here, post call, I simply stared at my table and realized that everything on my table has a story. It’s an ordinary picture with a story to be told.

The cushion on the floor is a dog bed because I’m not ready to commit to buying a couch yet after traveling full time for three years. The table I sit at is an old, beaten up and scratched table that was still in my apartment from the previous owner when I moved in. I had every intention of getting rid of it and then decided to keep it for now until I knew what the end of this 6-month lease would bring.

The table is full of books and journals, which are the cornerstones of my current life. My Bible, Bible study guide, and devotional (with a friend’s book off to the side that I’m reading for enjoyment next to the little bluetooth speaker I use in my ‘95 Honda Accord station wagon). I have two journals— one in which I pray to Jesus every morning and every night and another I use to journal out answers to questions posed in my devotional. Two sets of headphones— the iPhone headphones have a greater volume range but my bluetooth headphones are useful when I need to plug in my phone and still want music in my ears (or when I don’t have a pocket to shove my phone into while walking around the apartment). My tripod is still set up from this morning’s FaceTime, and finally, my planner still opened to make sure my podcast stayed on schedule over this past week.

One thing I learned from spending three years traveling around is that everything in my life has a purpose. I’ve lived without excess for years and although I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to build once again, I look around and see that everything still has a purpose and a function.

So this is it. This is the beginning of a new project. I don’t yet have a name for it and I have no clue what it will evolve into, but what I know is it’s begging to come forward. We’ll see what happens, but I’m excited to see the beauty that shines through daily snapshots.

Where’s God in all of this?

January 21, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Where’s God in all of this?

I think it’s less about “where’s God” and more about how does God play a part in all of this? I’ve been reflecting on this more and more over the weeks leading up to (and now beyond) the election.

It’s no secret there are many different theories floating around the interwebs and although there are a lot of lies circling around, there is definitely truth mixed in, as well. The problem, though, is that we’ve been lied to for so long that it’s becoming harder and harder to separate the truth from the lies.

Everyone is beginning to claim their own truth. “My truth is…” No judgment. I’ve used the same phrase over the years, but at some point there is also just Truth. Absolute Truth. The Truth that is the creator of all that is.

There may have been an inauguration yesterday, but one thing I’ve known in the core of my being since before the election is that what we are currently seeing is not what is. There is an unseen spiritual war at play here and just as there have been many lies told to us in our societal culture and political arena, there have been just as many lies told within spiritual communities, as well.

I asked a friend today, “So what happens next? If the theory I’ve been following does actually come forward as what’s been going on behind the mainstream narrative we’ve been sold, then what? I don’t buy the ‘happily ever after’ narrative. Evil doesn’t just go away. It may lose power, but it doesn’t just go away.”

She shared with me the “slow drip” method. The truth will start to come to light slowly, as a way of pulling back the curtain for all to see. If it came all at once, it would either shock and traumatize people or would appear to be so absurd, no one would believe it.

I appreciate the “slow drip” method, although if I’m being honest, that makes me nervous, as well. We’ve been brainwashed and manipulated over generations through slowly infiltrating the mainstream with more and more lies. We’ve been gaslit and abused for longer than we know and for anyone who has been gaslit, we know that it causes you to question your entire reality.

Gaslighting causes you to question everything, not trust others, and worst of all— not trust yourself.

This brings me back to God. Over the past year, specifically, I have been deepening my faith and leaning more and more on God instead of myself. I think one way to detach from “this leader is our savior and now everything can be right in the world” is to return to God. What is God’s will?

I have no doubt beautiful things will be happening over the next few months in our country (and the rest of the world). I just don’t buy into the “evil will be punished and we can all live happily ever after” narrative. Maybe that makes me cynical at this moment, and I accept that could be. I think that narrative makes a human being our savior and we all know humans are flawed.

I’m choosing to step into the future one step at a time, with both eyes wide open. I’m choosing to make my prayers less about myself and more about the goodness of all. Above all else, I’ve stopped asking for a specific outcome and have continued to put the responsibility back on God, asking for His will to be done.

Through God’s will, I have complete faith that it is what will be best for all. Through surrendering to God, I am much more confident that how I show up will be in alignment with who I truly desire to be in this world.

I am optimistic of what’s to come and when it is revealed, I have faith that it could have only happened because there truly is a God whose will is for us to all be sovereign and free.

Journey back to writing

January 20, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

“Where we see holes we’ve dug, God sees foundations he’s making.” -Bob Goff

Sometimes I wonder how many times one’s life can crumble in one lifetime. God probably thinks, “Until you’re finally honest with yourself and me.” I once asked God, “Why doesn’t my life work like everyone else’s?” God replied, “Because you surrendered your life to me.” We’ve been in a power struggle for years and there are moments my life goes into gridlock until I finally surrender the need to control how things work out.

My life has slowly been flipping upside down again since the middle of last year and less than two weeks ago, I allowed my entire world to flip upside down again.

It all started with the Bible. If I could have avoided reading the Bible in this lifetime, I absolutely would have. I don’t think there are many people who think to themselves, “Man, you know what book I’ve been dying to read? The Bible!” As a woman who grew up in the church as a pastor’s kid, my desire to read the Bible is potentially even less than the average person. I once owned a Bible as a child, but the most I ever did with it was put all the tabs in it so it was organized enough to never touch again.

Last year, though, I started getting the pull to read it. I shyly admitted it to my friend I was staying with at the time. “I mean, I have a Bible if you want to check it out.” As soon as she handed it to me and I took it into my room to flip through, immediately I thought to myself, “Nope! I don’t know where the hell that desire came from but I definitely do not want to read the Bible.”

Months later while in Utah, I received a text from my mom out of the blue, “Do you have a Bible?”

“Where the hell did that come from?” I thought to myself.

“Nope.”

“Do you want a Bible? I’m doing a Bible study and I thought of you.”

For anyone who doesn’t know, this is not normal communication with my mom. It was just as odd for her as it was for me. Against all logic, I said, “Sure. I’ll do a Bible study with you. That’ll be fun!”

What were these words coming out of my mouth in the form of a text? Fun? Bible? There were other moments leading up to that texting conversation, as well, that kept calling me to the Bible but before I knew it, I was the owner of a Bible, a study guide, and a weekly call with my mom to discuss the Bible and other topics of interest.

Five months later, God was at work again in my life, removing and creating lots of space in my life. Clients in and out (mostly out), money in and out, podcast guests canceling left and right, spiritual support shifting, and more.

He created a level of space and vulnerability in my life to force me to return to him every single time. Instead of asking friends, I was praying. Instead of freaking out about lost opportunities, I was praying. I listened over and over again, even though I continued to feel like God wasn’t saying anything.

When I talked to others about my work, it always came back to money and clients. When I sat with God, it always came back to writing. I always made excuses for why I couldn’t write. “Once my client roster is full, then I can focus on my writing. Once I’m making a certain financial goal, then I can focus on writing.”

That’s not how God works in my life. God says, “I give you the clients and you give so much to them, you stop writing. I give you the money and you continue to have excuses for why you can’t write. How about if I remove it all so you have no choice but to do the one thing you know you are here to do?”

He has done exactly that.

For the first time, I’m not scared. Not that I never experience fear or anxiety, but I’ve been on this merry go round enough times with Him to know that this will keep repeating until I finally give in. In fact, I hired a mentor to help hold space for me because I knew if I told someone else I was being called to go all in on my writing, I would have someone there to call me out if I slipped back into old ways. But then, God put me on time out from him, too.

“You’re going down your old habitual path. Stop. That is not your path.” God has made it very clear.

The hardest part, though, is that it’s as clear as mud. All I know is writing. That’s it. God isn’t giving me any more information. When I ask about being a mentor, I hear, “Yes. You can mentor others, but that is not your focus.”

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t frustrating. I want to do things my way. I want to do things how everyone else is doing it because there’s some sort of example for how to live life that way, but every time I try, God laughs and asks, “How’s that working out for you?”

It’s not. It hasn’t been. It hasn’t been for a long time, but I was too scared to lose it all. Then, I lost it all—over and over again— and I finally decided, “If I’m going to lose it anyway, I might as well do what I love.” What I know is God always provides. Always. It may be unpredictable and non-traditional, but God always provides.

I may be stubborn and not fully wanting to change my ways, but when I sit with it, I know wherever this is leading me is meant to transform me along the way. I’m supposed to be on my own path, doing my own thing, just walkin’ with Jesus along the way.

I will be doubted, questioned, abandoned, and judged, but I will also be loved, supported, and observed with curiosity. I may have dug a bunch of holes along the way, but I know when I finally stop pretending like I don’t need God, He’ll fill them in to create the foundation I needed this whole time.

Hangin’ with Jesus

January 13, 2021 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

It’s been about a week since my entire world flipped upside down. A week ago, I stepped away from the New Age movement to fully embrace my relationship with Jesus and to understand who he was through the lens of Christianity and the Bible. It’s a path I’ve rejected my entire life and yet for the past four years, Jesus keeps tugging at my heart. He’s been pursuing me without me even knowing it.

Today has been a day of on and off tears for many reasons. This morning I was supposed to be interviewed on a podcast about travel and entrepreneurship—clearly right up my alley after having been an intuitive nomad for three years. Shortly before the interview, I received an email that the host was canceling due to my content not aligning with her audience. I could already pick up on what she was saying without her saying it, but I decided to ask anyway to make sure I wasn’t creating untrue stories.

I was genuinely confused given the content of the podcast and I shared that with her. She responded with, “My audience is mostly liberal/atheist/agnostic/new age and your Christianity plays a very big role in your entrepreneurial journey.” I noticed myself wanting to defend myself. I wanted to say, “No, you don’t understand! This is all new to me. I was deep in the liberal and New Age world for most of my nomadic travels.”

When I sat with the tears, though, I realized what I deeply wanted was not to defend why I would be good enough for her audience because of who I used to be. The truth is, who I am never changed. The only thing that changed was the lens in which I saw the world through. If anything has changed within me, I’ve become more loving, patient, and compassionate. What I wanted was to be told was, “It’s okay to be yourself. Who you are and what you’ve experienced is enough.”

Tonight it all hit me again, but in a different way. A friend sent me a video of the northern California coast. I immediately started crying. I texted her, “I miss my old life.” I’m realizing in this moment that part of the reason I enjoy telling others of my nomadic life is because on some level, I get to relive it again. My nomadic journey wasn’t perfect by any means. It was far from it, but it was beautiful and sacred.

Now I’m on this new journey and although I’ve had more than enough to share already in a short period of time, I’ve remained frozen. The thought of writing has felt overwhelming. I had a woman on my podcast the other day tell me, “You should document your journey.”

I should.

I’ve already had some pretty amazing aha moments. This journey is already helping me make sense of many pieces of my nomadic journey. It’s already beautifully sacred within the first week and I just feel part of myself shutting down. Part of me wants to run away to a cabin somewhere and have this experience by myself and not share it with anyone.

As soon as I put even the smallest part of my story out there, everyone has an opinion.

“Jesus is an ascended master.”

“Jesus was a hippie.”

“Christianity isn’t the only truth.”

“All paths lead to love.”

“You’ll find that it’s all the same.”

“I think you’re a Christian mystic.”

“The Bible is full of lies.”

“Hell isn’t real.”

Does my experience matter or is it just going to get lost in the sea of other voices out there? Am I allowed to have opinions of my own? Am I allowed to explore without committing to a certain perspective or belief? Can I ponder things without needing to have answers? Better yet—can I ponder things without it meaning anything about my heart or compassion for humanity?

I know there is value in sharing my journey because there are others who need to know it’s okay to be who they are. I know there are others out there sitting in silence wondering, “Is it okay to change my mind?”

So I don’t know how much I want to share. I want to share because I can’t just sit around alone all day, chatting with Jesus by myself. But at the same time, I kinda want to sit around alone all day, chatting with Jesus by myself.

Become a patron and read the unedited version

God gives to us so that we can give to others

December 25, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

Christmas Eve was mystical. It was magical and synchronistic, but not in the traditional sense.

The holidays as an adult have always carried a lot of pain for me and I don’t know if it’s because as an empath I can feel the emotions of the collective or because I’ve experienced a lot of loss that has always seemed to become magnified during the holidays.

In 2015, Christmas carried a new level of magic. I met my Twin Flame (whom I called Morgan in Radical Rebirth). I didn’t know he was my Twin at the time. I just knew our love was magical. In fact, he called our love story a “Christmas Miracle”. Our first date was on Christmas Eve and he told me that if we stayed together, Christmas Eve would always be magical. If not, we chanced ruining Christmas forever.

The next Christmas, our relationship was over. (To read what happened, grab your copy of Radical Rebirth). 2016 was surreal. We were broken up, but still living together during the holidays, which allowed me to hold onto some level of hope of reconciliation.

2017 was my first year as a nomad and in a new level of darkness I had never experienced before, which overshadowed any other level of healing I had regarding that relationship. In 2018, I was officially on the road and although I was in Oregon (where I didn’t want to be at the time), I was so focused on writing Radical Rebirth, I wasn’t focused on anything else.

Last year (2019), I was in Phoenix and had just finished a long string of dating. Morgan wasn’t really on my mind, except for the fact that every man who walked away reminded me that I still had yet to meet anyone who came close to what I had with him.

I had no clue what to expect this year, honestly, except for the fact that what I deeply desired was my own place to spend the holidays and I signed a lease in October – just in time for the holidays. After Thanksgiving, though, I was told by an intuitive friend that I was being called to intentionally be on my Twin Flame journey. I’ve never not been on the journey, but I didn’t know the four years I thought I was in my Dark Night was actually me on my Twin Flame journey, healing.

It’s hard to explain, but it’s like as soon as I intentionally chose to be on my Twin Flame journey, things just began to shift in my life with ease. I craved writing again. I felt connected to my soul on a deeper level, which caused me to connect with others much more effortlessly. I naturally began to soften into my feminine energy.

All of that brings me to yesterday morning – Christmas Eve 2020. For weeks leading up to Christmas, I felt a level of hope I couldn’t put words to and yet yesterday morning, I woke up with a level of grief I haven’t felt in years.

I woke up crying.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing.

I could sense what my intuition wanted me to do. Pick up your phone and record a voice memo. Speak it out.

I didn’t want to. I wanted to avoid everything I was feeling.

“I don’t want to. Just make the pain go away.”

Pick up your phone. Say it out loud. Give words to your experience of life.

Against my desire, I dragged my phone across the floor to pull it towards me. Then I picked it up and started speaking.

“I woke up this morning crying and I don’t know what’s going on. I haven’t recorded one of these for you in awhile and I don’t even know if I’m going to send this one to you. I’ve only sent you one, I’ve recorded multiple. I’ve basically been documenting this journey (whatever this fucking journey is). There are so many thoughts and reflections running through my mind.”

The more I spoke, the more I cried and the better I felt. I just shared my story with him, not knowing if he would ever hear it.

“There was one man in Northern California who basically just left and it triggered this level of trauma within me. I hadn’t experienced that level of pain since you and it wasn’t about him. It was about healing the belief that was within me—healing the story. The story that kept getting triggered every single time was the story, “I don’t deserve another good man because I had one and I broke him.” That was my story around you—that I don’t deserve another one. I don’t believe it. I don’t believe I don’t deserve a good man. The problem is that no one ever came close to who you were.

So now it’s Christmas Eve, five years after our first date and all I feel is sadness. I don’t know if it’s my sadness, your sadness, or our sadness.”

As I continued, I could feel where it was going. Be vulnerable. Say it. Put it out there. I knew I was being called to be vulnerable in a way that made my entire body cringe.

“It’s terrifying to be vulnerable because I’m terrified of being rejected, but especially by you. I want nothing more than for you to come home. I know that I’m the one who ran from us. I sabotaged it and then I just ran because I had to heal. I had to heal every single thing.”

If you’ve read Radical Rebirth, then you know I would have rather sabotaged the entire relationship than to be vulnerable. My ego hated being vulnerable so much that I literally started raging arguments every single week to avoid telling him about my fears.

I believe in the power of words, though. I believe spoken words carry an energy that creates a ripple effect. I believe that regardless of whether or not he ever actually hears the voice memos, he felt them on an energetic level.

I wasn’t just speaking to him. I was telling God what I wanted.

“I’ve had friends ask me, “So Anne, is it him or no one?” I thought you were crazy. We were still living together. I remember you were on the couch. We had already broken up and I remember you said to me that you would never find anyone else like me and that you would probably date but that you would never get into a relationship—that you would never find anyone like me—and I thought you were fucking crazy. I was like, “Of course you will.” I just thought it was a normal breakup. I really did. It’s crazy to reflect on that because that has been my journey. I have dated, but I have not been in a relationship since you.

So when my friends ask me, “Anne, is it him or no one?” the answer is, “Yeah.” I will say to you exactly what you fucking said to me—I will probably date, as I have been, if someone comes into my life (I’m not really looking for anyone, I got off all the fucking dating apps). Yeah, for me it’s you or no one. Because I just know. A) I know it’s you and B) I know that I will not have another love in this lifetime that is what you and I had. If I can’t have a love like that, then I don’t want it. I don’t want it.”

After I finished, I made coffee and went out for a morning hike, including more cleansing tears. I spent the hike reflecting on what potentially shifted on an energetic level. I had no clue what kind of shift happened in the unseen world. Who knew what was happening behind the scenes because I declared what I wanted?

On my way home from hiking, I stopped by the store to grab a few things I knew I would need and on my way out, I noticed a man sitting on the curb. I had seen him more times than I could count. I had been going to that same store since I moved into my place in October and every time I drove out of the grocery store, I thought to myself, “I wish I had something easy to give him.” I don’t eat processed food, so anything I buy is always ingredients and nothing that would be easy to consume.

Yesterday felt different. As soon as I drove out of the parking lot, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was supposed to help him. All the stories began to fill my head around what I “should” or “shouldn’t” do, but I couldn’t shake the feeling in my heart.

Go back.

Against all logic, I turned my car around. I drove around the block and pulled back into the parking lot. This time, I parked at the back near where he was. I got out of my car and he immediately acknowledged me with a simple nod. I humbly approached him.

“Are you hungry?”

“I’m okay,” he replied.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“You promise?”

“Yeah, I’m alright,” he said once again.

“Okay,” I said.

I smiled, turned around and walked back to my car. As I pulled back out of the parking lot, I waved through my window as he gave me another gentle nod.

When I got back to my place, I sat in my car for awhile, reflecting on how magnetically pulled I felt to connect with that man. It wasn’t about just trying to help someone who was potentially homeless. I wanted to connect with him. I wanted to know his story. I wanted to start by knowing his name.

Then I started to cry. I thought back to Morgan. I remember being so inspired by his generosity. Any time anyone asked him for anything on the street, he always gave it. Whether it was a lot or a little, he always gave.

After telling a friend the story, she said, “Celestine Prophecy. You have to go talk to him. He has a message for you.” Her words shot straight to my heart. I had been living The Celestine Prophecy for years while living on the road. I knew if I went to talk to him, I would get clarity around why I felt so magnetically pulled to connect with him.

All of a sudden, I had a deep desire to simply connect with humanity. I wanted to give. But I didn’t want to just give without a sense of connection. I wanted my giving to be intentional, connected. I wanted to connect with the heart of another human being who appeared to be in need. I wanted him to know he wasn’t a nameless, faceless, forgotten member of society.

He mattered and was seen.

I wanted to see more people who felt unseen. I wanted to hold more space for others who potentially had never had someone hold space for them.

Then a deeper level of clarity came.

God gives to us so that we can give to others.

I’ve been wanting “success” (whatever that means) for years, but I didn’t want it for the “stuff”, even though I do desire a certain level of comfort. I’ve always wanted to pay it forward in a massive way that I have currently been unable to experience, but God was giving me my next step.

Start with where you are. Give to others with what you currently have.

I’ve known this. This is not new information, but it hit me differently yesterday. It landed in my being on a completely new energetic level.

I began to understand why superficial goals never mattered to me. Setting financial goals just for the sake of having money in my bank account meant jack shit to me.

Today a friend reminded me, “In every moment, there’s an opportunity to see someone who normally isn’t seen.”

A new fire has been lit.

I don’t know exactly where all this will lead, but I know I’m always being guided to my next step.

God reminded me again today:

Live your life and write about it.

There’s always an opportunity to serve someone. There’s always an opportunity to see someone who feels unseen.

Our ripple effect in the world begins with us. Our next job is then to be intentional with those we connect with from moment to moment.

First we light our light, then we remind others of theirs.

My internship with God

November 22, 2020 by Anne Filed Under: Anne's Blog Leave a Comment

We’re about to enter into Thanksgiving week, which always leaves me deeply reflective. Each holiday season causes me to reflect on past seasons in order to look at how far I’ve come. Over the years, I’ve spent less time assessing external goals (such as sales and financial goals) and more time assessing who I’ve become as a person.

Am I more patient? More compassionate? More loving? Less triggered? More conscious and aware?

How do I respond to situations versus reacting? How do I show up to serve others?

All these questions matter to me. I think back to the woman I was in 2016 as I was in the middle of sabotaging and destructing my relationship. I was 100% in my Ego, constantly triggered and reacting.

In 2017, I was in Mississippi and barely able to buy food (at the beginning of entering into true financial rock bottom). That year I made gluten free pasta and brownies because it’s all I could afford at the time. I was deeply angry and bitter, as well. I was putting in the work but not seeing the fruits of my labor.

The next year (2018), I was in Nevada City and having one of my best Thanksgivings. Most of it had to do with the deep level of gratitude I was experiencing. I was so grateful to be in California, staying in an Airbnb, and with the freedom to make whatever I wanted for food that year. I felt a level of freedom I hadn’t felt in years.

Last year, however, I felt like I had dipped. I was staying with a friend in Phoenix, and although grateful to have a home, I was bitter about not having the level of freedom I was used to. The plot twist last year, though, was meeting Mr. Climber Man, who ended up being a monumental person in my healing journey.

This year I’ll still be in Phoenix, but I’ll have my own place. There are many things I’m deeply grateful for and other things I look forward to saying goodbye to. I’ve spent so much time over the last four years asking, “What the fuck, God?”

The hardest part over the last four years has been the level of feeling like I need to prove to myself to others who can’t see my vision, can’t feel my passion, and don’t understand my journey. I’ve experienced all kinds of criticism over the years and regardless of what is said to me (or behind my back), I have had to continue to hold my head high and trust what I feel above all else.

Last night I was offered a free [tarot] reading by a woman I’ve connected with through Instagram. Throughout the entire reading, I had full body chills and the crown of my head kept tingling. She continued to reflect back to me all kind of intentions I’ve set into motion over the past year.

As she told me about all the things that would soon be coming into my life (which she had no way of knowing), she shared something else with me. “As spiritual workers and healers, oftentimes we go through periods of time where we do end up working for free. A mentor once told me it’s like an internship with God.”

That rang as true all throughout my body.

An internship with God.

I have been in a four-year internship with God that most will never fully understand except me. I’ve been asked to walk through more storms than I’d care to admit, based on unconditional faith. Each time someone tried to talk me into straying from my path, I had to choose – them or God?

I don’t believe God tests us as a form of punishment, but I do fully believe He qualifies the called. I wasn’t just called; I surrendered. I surrendered my life in 2017 before becoming a nomad. Anyone can do something for the money involved. It’s what’s our society is built on. We’re taught to do work we hate just for a paycheck.

But how many people will truly surrender every level of the external on the faith that it truly is leading somewhere? How many will become entrepreneurs and answer the call not to make a million dollars (knowing the money will inevitably come) but because they’re so deeply passionate about it they can’t not do it?

I’ve always known the money would flood in (even though it still has yet to in the level I feel it will). I don’t doubt for a second that I will be incredibly wealthy. That’s not the point. I believe the only way to make sure we are fully in alignment and acting from a place of integrity is to keep doing what we feel called to do even when there’s no sign of money in sight, which has been many moments of my journey.

It’s as if God has been asking, “Will you still show up for your calling even when the money doesn’t come? Will you trust there will be an end to the drought when there’s no end in sight? How deep is your faith? Do you trust you’re always supported even in non-traditional and unconventional ways?”

For years I judged myself. I wondered if I was really that good at what I did since other coaches and mentors were making a shit ton of money and I was struggling to pay my bills. What I’ve learned over the years, though, is that my skillset surpasses most mentors who charge an arm and a leg. It’s not that I couldn’t have charged more earlier on. It’s that it was simply out of integrity for me to do so.

I was still in my internship. God wasn’t done teaching me what I needed to learn in order to fully move forward in my career. A lot of service-based careers have some level of an internship or mentorship/training. As a teacher, I had an internship before I was fully handed over a classroom of children.

I’ve hired coaches and mentors over the years and although I learned from them, I learned more from my internship with God. I didn’t need a mentor to just teach me what they knew. I needed a mentor who would hold space for me as I walked along my path with God. I needed someone who could cheer me on in my, “What the fuck” moments when it felt like the rest of the world was pushing against me.

The truth is, everything is on God’s timing anyway. I do believe we are co-creators. I do believe our thoughts and feelings impact the world around us. I also believe that some things we simply don’t have control over. Divine timing is always at play and we can’t always understand why things aren’t happening on our Ego’s timeline.

We each have our own journey, our own path, and our own lessons. Our world would be a lot kinder if we stopped judging others and simply trusted each person is walking alongside God, getting the lessons they need for their highest evolution. Sometimes the lessons are gentle and sometimes they’re complete smackdowns to awaken them.

The closer we pay attention to our own connection with God, the more confident we will be as to when to step in and support and when to hang back and wait. God works through each and every one of us and when we stay in our own lane, focused on our own internship, we will be much more aware of where someone else is on their path.

This won’t resonate with everyone, but for those of you who have been doing all the things the spiritual teachers have told you to do, can feel you’re on the right path, and yet somehow still feel like something is “missing”, it’s probably because you’re in the middle of your own internship.

Hang tight and trust. It’s all unfolding perfectly for you.