My journey has basically looked like this – just when I think I have all the info I need to start moving forward again, I come across new information that blows my fucking mind, causing me to go back to the drawing board.

Anyone else?

Okay, so maybe that’s a bit dramatic but I feel like in the last few days my entire life has made sense again and all the pieces are beginning to come together.

Pretty much this entire year has felt like putting a puzzle together.  You know when you sit down to do a puzzle and you see the picture on the box, knowing what it’s supposed to look like but you just sit there and stare at the 1000 pieces in front of you wondering where to begin?

Accurate AF, right?

Welcome to 2019.  

Luckily, I had the edges put together.  The border was pretty solid but every time I would reach for a center piece, it never seemed to quite fit.  To top it all off, I’ve felt like there have been people staring over my shoulder, “How long is it going to take for her to put it together?  She’s been working on it for years.  Maybe she should just give up?”

To be honest, it’s probably just Natalie’s (my ego’s) beliefs projected onto other people.  It’s me judging myself because that’s what human beings do.  We have this false sense of how long something should take and when it takes longer, we start to ask ourselves what’s wrong with us.

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been binge listening to two podcasts: The Soul Wealth Podcast and The Goddess Boss Podcast.  I’ve been learning more about masculine and feminine energy through both podcasts (hosted by two different people, but are married to each other).  

Last week, Kris (host of The Goddess Boss Podcast) was offering free calls, which at first I wasn’t going to take part in because I’m not in a space to make an investment and I know they’re in the process of filling spots for their group coaching program.

When the opportunity came up again, I remembered the Law of Compensation (as well as the Law of Receiving) and decided to take her up on it.  The Law of Compensation + Receiving basically state that what we give we receive.  It is not a 1:1 ratio, though.  When we give to someone, we do not necessarily receive through that person.  It is our job to give where we feel called to give and then the Universe will provide through the path of least resistance.

I knew there was no requirement to invest.  If Kris gave to me, she would receive either through me or someone else.  So, I decided to go through the process and sign up for a call.

Just even going through the process to sign up for a call created so many breakthroughs for me.  One of the questions was, “Have you invested in a coach before and if so, what was your experience?”

Yes.  Four.  I’ve invested in four coaches (not to mention other group coaching programs) over the course of 3 1/2 years.  In the last 3 1/2 years, I’ve invested tens of thousands of dollars into myself, still not externally where I want to be.

Do I blame any coaches for it?  No.  Do I blame myself for it?  No.  Each time I’ve invested, I’ve gotten more clarity on who I am, what I want, and how I want to show up in this world.  I see the gaps in the coaching community, though.  Investing and still feeling like I had to figure a lot of it out on my own has made me a much better coach over the years.  

As I answered the questions I cried, releasing a lot of anger.  I never allowed myself to truly feel the anger because I was afraid of my coaches feeling like I blamed them for my lack of progress.  Maybe I did.  I was frustrated because I continued to believe that there was something wrong with me.  Do you know how defeating it feels to invest in a coach and leave feeling like you still didn’t accomplish what you wanted?  

I left feeling hopeless in a lot of cases.  Beneath that, though, it started to chip away at my trust in myself.

So what drives me to continue to show up when my trust in myself is in question?

Purpose and passion.

My passion for what I do.

My anger was also rooted in feeling like I had coaches steering me away from what I’m deeply passionate about when they told me, “Self-love and self-care don’t sell.”

I told Kris, “It’s my story, though.  It’s what I know.  It’s what changed the complete trajectory of my life.”

She responded with, “Anne, you really help women connect to their heart.”

That’s when the lightbulb finally went off.

The heart.  It’s the gateway to receiving but for years, I built walls around mine.

Women (myself included), struggle to receive because we’ve been taught it’s not safe to be in our body.  

Coaches told me I would teach about money because it’s what I struggled with most.

No, I don’t have blocks around money.  I’ve had blocks around my heart, preventing me from receiving.

If you want to receive, you have to first do the work around tearing down the walls built around your heart.

The beginning?

Self-love and self-care.