We’re about to enter into Thanksgiving week, which always leaves me deeply reflective. Each holiday season causes me to reflect on past seasons in order to look at how far I’ve come. Over the years, I’ve spent less time assessing external goals (such as sales and financial goals) and more time assessing who I’ve become as a person.
Am I more patient? More compassionate? More loving? Less triggered? More conscious and aware?
How do I respond to situations versus reacting? How do I show up to serve others?
All these questions matter to me. I think back to the woman I was in 2016 as I was in the middle of sabotaging and destructing my relationship. I was 100% in my Ego, constantly triggered and reacting.
In 2017, I was in Mississippi and barely able to buy food (at the beginning of entering into true financial rock bottom). That year I made gluten free pasta and brownies because it’s all I could afford at the time. I was deeply angry and bitter, as well. I was putting in the work but not seeing the fruits of my labor.
The next year (2018), I was in Nevada City and having one of my best Thanksgivings. Most of it had to do with the deep level of gratitude I was experiencing. I was so grateful to be in California, staying in an Airbnb, and with the freedom to make whatever I wanted for food that year. I felt a level of freedom I hadn’t felt in years.
Last year, however, I felt like I had dipped. I was staying with a friend in Phoenix, and although grateful to have a home, I was bitter about not having the level of freedom I was used to. The plot twist last year, though, was meeting Mr. Climber Man, who ended up being a monumental person in my healing journey.
This year I’ll still be in Phoenix, but I’ll have my own place. There are many things I’m deeply grateful for and other things I look forward to saying goodbye to. I’ve spent so much time over the last four years asking, “What the fuck, God?”
The hardest part over the last four years has been the level of feeling like I need to prove to myself to others who can’t see my vision, can’t feel my passion, and don’t understand my journey. I’ve experienced all kinds of criticism over the years and regardless of what is said to me (or behind my back), I have had to continue to hold my head high and trust what I feel above all else.
Last night I was offered a free [tarot] reading by a woman I’ve connected with through Instagram. Throughout the entire reading, I had full body chills and the crown of my head kept tingling. She continued to reflect back to me all kind of intentions I’ve set into motion over the past year.
As she told me about all the things that would soon be coming into my life (which she had no way of knowing), she shared something else with me. “As spiritual workers and healers, oftentimes we go through periods of time where we do end up working for free. A mentor once told me it’s like an internship with God.”
That rang as true all throughout my body.
An internship with God.
I have been in a four-year internship with God that most will never fully understand except me. I’ve been asked to walk through more storms than I’d care to admit, based on unconditional faith. Each time someone tried to talk me into straying from my path, I had to choose – them or God?
I don’t believe God tests us as a form of punishment, but I do fully believe He qualifies the called. I wasn’t just called; I surrendered. I surrendered my life in 2017 before becoming a nomad. Anyone can do something for the money involved. It’s what’s our society is built on. We’re taught to do work we hate just for a paycheck.
But how many people will truly surrender every level of the external on the faith that it truly is leading somewhere? How many will become entrepreneurs and answer the call not to make a million dollars (knowing the money will inevitably come) but because they’re so deeply passionate about it they can’t not do it?
I’ve always known the money would flood in (even though it still has yet to in the level I feel it will). I don’t doubt for a second that I will be incredibly wealthy. That’s not the point. I believe the only way to make sure we are fully in alignment and acting from a place of integrity is to keep doing what we feel called to do even when there’s no sign of money in sight, which has been many moments of my journey.
It’s as if God has been asking, “Will you still show up for your calling even when the money doesn’t come? Will you trust there will be an end to the drought when there’s no end in sight? How deep is your faith? Do you trust you’re always supported even in non-traditional and unconventional ways?”
For years I judged myself. I wondered if I was really that good at what I did since other coaches and mentors were making a shit ton of money and I was struggling to pay my bills. What I’ve learned over the years, though, is that my skillset surpasses most mentors who charge an arm and a leg. It’s not that I couldn’t have charged more earlier on. It’s that it was simply out of integrity for me to do so.
I was still in my internship. God wasn’t done teaching me what I needed to learn in order to fully move forward in my career. A lot of service-based careers have some level of an internship or mentorship/training. As a teacher, I had an internship before I was fully handed over a classroom of children.
I’ve hired coaches and mentors over the years and although I learned from them, I learned more from my internship with God. I didn’t need a mentor to just teach me what they knew. I needed a mentor who would hold space for me as I walked along my path with God. I needed someone who could cheer me on in my, “What the fuck” moments when it felt like the rest of the world was pushing against me.
The truth is, everything is on God’s timing anyway. I do believe we are co-creators. I do believe our thoughts and feelings impact the world around us. I also believe that some things we simply don’t have control over. Divine timing is always at play and we can’t always understand why things aren’t happening on our Ego’s timeline.
We each have our own journey, our own path, and our own lessons. Our world would be a lot kinder if we stopped judging others and simply trusted each person is walking alongside God, getting the lessons they need for their highest evolution. Sometimes the lessons are gentle and sometimes they’re complete smackdowns to awaken them.
The closer we pay attention to our own connection with God, the more confident we will be as to when to step in and support and when to hang back and wait. God works through each and every one of us and when we stay in our own lane, focused on our own internship, we will be much more aware of where someone else is on their path.
This won’t resonate with everyone, but for those of you who have been doing all the things the spiritual teachers have told you to do, can feel you’re on the right path, and yet somehow still feel like something is “missing”, it’s probably because you’re in the middle of your own internship.
Hang tight and trust. It’s all unfolding perfectly for you.