“You know that I’m never gonna be a 9-5, that was never me. I was born with a compass in my hand and a restless soul.” -Andy Grammer
The question I’m getting asked the most right now is, “How are you feeling?”
My answer, “I’m all cried out.”
I sobbed for days and now that I’m two days out from leaving Phoenix after being here for eight months, I’m all cried out. At this point it feels surreal. I’ve taken so many side trips since being here that it feels like I’m just prepping for another trip to Sedona and I’ll be back.
The other day I was nearly done with a blog to try and capture this moment and as I sat down to write today, I deleted the entire thing. How do I sum up eight months into one blog post, let alone three years? There’s a reason this journey has evolved into a three-book series and even then, there are pieces of my journey others will never know. There are things you will never understand. There are pieces of my three years I will take to my grave with me. There are moments I want to keep to myself; the moments I sat alone with my soul, listening to the yearning, begging me to not give up in the moments it felt the hardest.
This journey has been sacred – is sacred – and it’s hard to believe this piece of it is coming to an end. The phase of my journey where I do this alone is coming to an end and I’ve known this. To be honest, though, I believed book three ended with a partner. It doesn’t. It ends with the closing of a cycle and my life coming full circle in a way I never could have imagined.
Even though you may have been watching my journey for the past three years, you won’t be able to see the why of it all until you’re able to sit down with my three books and allow me to tell you my story from start to finish.
These past three years have been preparation. They’ve been preparation for what I deeply desire – a partnership beyond anything I’ve ever had before. They’ve been preparation for a business that has appeared to be moving slow as fucking molasses, but one that has given me so much clarity around what I’m deeply passionate about and what my true God-given gifts are.
The past three years tore me down to nothing – literally and metaphorically. I was stripped down over and over again, oftentimes left in a pool of my tears on the floor, yelling at God. Every time I thought I couldn’t be stripped down any more, another layer would be removed.
Every time I saw success, it was taken from me.
Every time I fell in love, another man would leave again.
Every time I thought I was going in one direction, I was led in another.
I learned I do not have control over my external circumstances, but I do get to decide how I show up. I get to choose my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I get to decide how I treat others. I get to decide whether I choose love or fear. I get to decide if I remain committed to my vision or sell myself short based on societal standards that never brought me anything other than depression, alcoholism, and emptiness.
Over the past three years, I became someone I loved more than anyone else in this world. I became a woman who spoke her truth, even when my entire body shook out of fear. I learned to love, even if it was never reciprocated. I gave all of myself, knowing no one ever truly has the power to hurt me.
I have become so authentic, I forgot what it feels like to wear the mask I used to hide behind. I allow a man to see me, knowing I have no control over whether or not he likes what he sees. I have learned it’s safe to be vulnerable because although I can be left by another at any moment in time, I know I can never leave myself and that’s where my safety and security comes from.
To the outside world, I was a nomad, hopping from place to place without a care in the world. Some thought I was too carefree, needing to settle down while others assumed it’s just who I was and didn’t want to get in the way.
No one asked me what I wanted. No one took the time to sit down with me and ask me, “Why? Who are you becoming in this process? What is it preparing you for?”
This was never about California.
This was never about living out of a suitcase.
This was never about being a free spirit, blowing in the wind.
This was about becoming, listening, evolving, trusting, and healing.
The past three years have been an intuitive healing bootcamp and although you’ll never fully understand why I needed it, why it feels so sacred, or why it feels so difficult to give up (in the way it currently looks), I hope one day you’ll take the time to listen to my story. Truly listen.
My next phase includes a partner. My lifelong partner. The partner I have spent the past three years preparing myself for. The partner I sacrificed my entire old way of being for. The partner I went to hell and back for before ever meeting him.
I can’t tell you what my life will look like because I’m not the woman who dictates and controls a man anymore. I am one who listens, softens into compromise, and allows my partnership to decide what we will create together.
I am also not a woman who submits to a man simply to please him. My partner would never want that. He sees my wild, emotional, feminine heart and is capable of holding space for it without ever trying to tame me. He understands this transition for me isn’t easy and although it is something I want, with all new things come a sense of loss.
I won’t say I’m giving up my nomadic life, because I’m not. I’m not giving up anything – I’m creating space for a new way of being to emerge.
I’m welcoming in a level of stability and support I’ve never had before. My new life will look nothing like the one I left in Chicago and will look much different than my week-to-week travels I so often had in the last few years, as well.
I’m slowing down, connecting deeper, and excited to see what the next phase has in store for me.
You know Utah’s slogan, though. Life elevated.
I have a feeling I’m in for something I never could have imagined. I’m open to where life is guiding me. I’m open to what it will look like. I’m open to this next level of becoming. I’m open to who I will meet and who may re-enter my life. Because if there’s one thing my intuitive nomadic life has taught me it’s this – anything is possible.