I’ve been having this message come through me for awhile now, but I haven’t been able to fully put it into words. I don’t know that this blog will put into words exactly how I feel, but I feel the words bubbling up.

The other night, I had a single message come through from Spirit.

I couldn’t “love and light” my way out of the pain, so I chose to heal it.

I’ve seen so many others I’ve crossed paths with avoid their pain. I know they’re in pain because they’ve lashed out, attacked, judged, resented, and rejected. I’ve heard them say, “I’m fine” when I know they’re not. 

The more I heal, the brighter I shine, and the more others committed to their darkness push me away. 

Tonight as I was driving back from yoga, I came across an Andy Grammer song that sums up why I wish pain upon every single person I cross paths with. 

Sounds bitchy, I know. You may be reading this thinking, “Bitch please. You don’t know the level of pain I’ve experienced.” Ok great, but how are you using that pain for you? How are you using that pain to improve your life and the lives of others?

How are you using your pain to give yourself more love? Too often we use our pain to then sacrifice ourselves for others. We tend to avoid our pain by immersing ourselves in someone else’s pain, trying to “save” or “fix” them.

Or worse, we project our pain onto them. We blame others for our pain.

For years I avoided my pain. I was a codependent addict. I was addicted to food, alcohol, social media, working, TV, and men. I was addicted to the love, acceptance, and validation from others. I was a people pleaser and molded myself into who I needed to be in order for others to love me.

I never believed I was worthy of the life I so deeply desired. I kept getting into relationships with men who didn’t actually want what I wanted, but I was too scared to leave because I was not a woman who left others. I was a woman whom others left. 

I couldn’t be alone without feeling broken. I couldn’t show a man my weaknesses without fear they would see me as broken, too. 

I had never fully allowed myself to live an independent life until I decided to become a nomad in 2017. After the end of my relationship in 2016, I committed to not only healing my patterns once and for all, but to remain single until I became crystal fucking clear on who I am and what I want.

I committed to finding and using my voice.

I committed to living an authentic life, no matter who it pissed off.

I stepped out of the box that had been suffocating me for years and vowed to never step back in no matter how many people tried to shove me back in.

I’ve never walked through a fire as hot as I have the past three years.

I’ve been called fake, a coward, crazy, and pathetic.

I’ve been rejected, blocked, and ignored.

I have been rejected after having just slept with a man the night before. I have been walked out on while still naked, left in a spiral of rage and tears.

I’ve hit financial rock bottom more times than I can count. I’ve had $0.80 in my bank account with a gas tank on E, with no clue when or where money was coming from. I’ve had no money for food, living on oatmeal and homemade tortillas for days. 

I’ve gotten in my car and driven to a city with no place booked, solely based on an intuitive nudge. I’ve sat in my car at a park, wondering if I would need to sleep in my car because I didn’t have money for my next place. 

I’ve lived through winters with no money for clothes and clothes that didn’t properly fit or keep me warm. 

I’ve cried myself to sleep more nights than I can remember. I’ve fallen to my knees, sobbing, yelling at God to shift things for me. I’ve felt lonely. I’ve nearly gotten stuck on ice with no cell service, car wheels spinning. 

I’ve wanted to throw in the towel and give up. 

And every time I nearly gave up, I leaned into the pain. 

I learned that there was no amount of “love and light” that could get me out of the pain. The only way to heal the pain was to go through it. 

My faith is unshakeable because of what I have faced head on. I leaned into the pain and embraced it the way one leans into a gust of wind to not get blown over. 

Every time I have lost, I have looked at what part of me didn’t actually want it. How did it not fully align with my vision? What do I actually want?

I grieve, I release, then I get excited about what’s to come.

I love deeper than I ever have because every time my heart has been shattered, its capacity to love expanded exponentially. 

I am able to sit with someone’s pain and darkness because I have faced my own. Nothing scares me. I do not judge others. 

When someone throws insults my way, I feel their pain and then transform it to love. 

My pain has changed me. It has made me more loving, more patient, more compassionate, It allows me to laugh more, feel lighter, feel deeper, and have such deep gratitude for my life that it brings me to tears. 

I need no one or no thing because I have truly learned how to find love, peace, and gratitude when I was stripped down to nothing. 

I have learned to detach from others, trusting each and every one of us is on our own journey.

Years ago, I could only see what was being taken from me. I was a victim, wondering why life was happening to me. Pain has been my greatest teacher and I wish for it to be yours, as well.

Music has always been a tool for me to share the words I don’t yet have. This song literally sums up what my entire journey has felt like through the most painful years of my life.

I Wish You Pain

by Andy Grammer