I just dodged a major bullet. To be honest, I’m a little shocked that someone I thought so highly of could turn so quickly. It’s not that I no longer think highly of him or that he’s now a “bad” person. I don’t believe in “good” and “bad”, especially when it comes to people.
There is someone’s shadow side and their light. There is fear or love. Ego or soul. As someone who has gone into the darkness to face my Ego, I know how much pain someone must be in once their Ego begins to spiral. I know the fear, panic, and anxiety that arises when the illusions your life has been built upon begin to crumble. Because of that, I actually have a lot of compassion for someone else going through that, whether they’re consciously aware of it or not.
For far too long, though, I have tried to save others. I so badly wanted to help others heal their pain. Where I have to draw the line, though, is when I’m in the direct line of fire. As soon as the bullets come straight for me, I bow out, retract my energy, and unconditionally love from afar.
The past month with this man has opened my eyes and given me a lot of clarity around how things work energetically between two people and how one can become so addicted to drama, creating the cycles and patterns to keep the addiction going.
I see it clearly because it’s who I was. I, too, used to be insanely addicted to drama. To me, drama equaled passion and passion equaled love. At that point in my life, I was a woman with low self-worth. I had never learned how to love myself, so I depended on others to give it to me. Someone else’s love was a drug to me. I needed the hit to feel calm and balanced, but as soon as it wore off and I couldn’t get it from them, I began to spiral. If my partner wasn’t giving me the love I depended on them for, I would start fights in order to engage them.
Our Ego is simply a wounded child within us. Children just want attention. They don’t care whether it’s positive or negative; all attention feels like love. To our Ego, it’s the same.
My short-lived relationship with this man was dramatic from the beginning, even though it was hard to pinpoint because all of our conversations were so calm and respectful.
We met on a dating app and within the first few conversations, he attempted to reject me based on his belief that I was comparing him to previous dates I had been on. To me, I was asking for clarification on what our first date would involve to make sure I was putting myself in a comfortable position in order to feel I could be my authentic self.
Although I would usually “Boy Bye” his ass due to my triggers around rejection, I chose to practice my candid communication skills to share my experience of him. He responded, acknowledging how kind I was and then apologized. My first thought during that interaction was, “I wonder if this dude is going to try to gaslight me.”
Note to self: When something feels off, it is.
That next week, we talked on the phone nearly every night for over an hour each time. We had deep, connected conversations and laughed a ton. He asked me lots of questions about my nomadic journey, my journey as a spiritual mentor, and my recent release of Book One.
Everything was smooth sailing and our first date was amazing. We both agreed we were on the same page and chose to continue moving forward with building the connection.
Periodically, he would bring up his exes and what had happened in previous relationships. I could sense the victim mentality in his energy, but I also experienced him as someone who desired to learn and grow. He acknowledged his negativity when it would come up and strived to have a more positive outlook on life. The more we chatted, the more he noticed I saw the world in a much more optimistic way.
He told me that he always felt good when he was around me. My motivation sparked motivation within him. I knew the power of my energy, but I still wasn’t quite picking up on what was actually happening and that he was potentially depending on my energy in order to feel better in his own life.
Shortly after our first date, we had our first “discussion”. We never fought. We disagreed on certain aspects of life and dating, but every time we came together to chat, it was always open, vulnerable, candid, and respectful. It was easy. We talked, came to an agreement, then moved on.
He was someone who seemed to enjoy a lot of space, so I did what I could as a recovering codependent to give it to him. I noticed my feeling of calm confidence throughout our entire connection. I didn’t stress when it took hours for him to text me back or when we’d plan dates last minute. I always trusted he would show up, ready to connect, whenever he was ready and able. Looking back, my “no biggie, you do you boo” energy began to trigger more discussions. I had zero expectations of who I needed or expected him to be and yet, he began to project his expectations of himself onto me.
“I feel a lot of expectations for a particular role that you want me to play.”
I gave him as much space as he needed to take care of everything he needed to address (he was a full-time student) and then he would respond with, “I’m gonna start to push more for meeting in person.” I was thrilled to know I would get to spend more time with him, but I had my own independent life that kept me very much occupied.
A few days after a wonderful second date, which ended with him kissing me, he called me to tell me that even though he enjoyed being with me and laughed harder with me than he did with anyone else, he didn’t really feel a connection. He was completely in his head, also admitting that it could just be fear. I sat there and held space for him, even though I was potentially being rejected by a man I really liked being with. I reflected back to him what I heard him saying and then simply reminded him of what he had told me he was looking for in a partner, knowing I embodied those qualities. I was simply confused.
The next day, the conversation continued through text message where we were both completely open and vulnerable. Later that night, he called me to tell me it was a mistake, he was stupid, and to ignore everything he had said the night before. I embodied everything he was looking for, he was physically attracted to me, and wanted to move forward with our connection.
Every time he was busy, unresponsive, unable to hang out, etc. my response was simply, “I appreciate your effort. I know you have a lot going on.” I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn’t need anything from him. He would then respond with, “Thanks for understanding.”
The day before things ended was when I began to see how deeply connected he still was to his Ego and the potential need for drama in his life. He began to share with me something that was still making him feel “broken”. I knew it wasn’t my job to fix him and I knew the strain it would put on our relationship until he chose to go on his own healing journey.
I told him, “If you’re dependent on this one thing to make you either feel whole or complete, it will put a major strain on the relationship.” That was the trigger for him that began to make his Ego spiral.
The next night he called me at 11 to break it off. I was shocked. So shocked, in fact, I felt my energy drain from my body. I sat there, silent, nearly numb. In that moment, no matter how hard I tried to remain open in my heart, I felt a wall being built around every part of me.
The next day, when all my feelings began to surface, I noticed my own triggers begin to pop up. When I actually tried to connect, he became cold, and the energetic battle began.
The Celestine Prophecy* talks about this as the “struggle for power”. When someone is not connecting directly to Source, they begin to engage in power struggles (or the Energy Control Drama) in order to receive energy from others.
For a month, he was tapped into my energy field, receiving unlimited hits of the energy I was carefully and intentionally maintaining each and every day. It’s why before he met me, his experience of life was lonely and depressed. He believed the reason he felt so much better during our time together was because he learned so much from me (even though he hadn’t implemented any of it), when in actuality he was simply just feeling energetically aligned by simply being in my energy field.
During my day of triggers, I found myself getting frustrated. Although my triggers were mild and barely noticeable to the average person, I know how it felt in my body. I wasn’t feeling aligned. I was sad, enraged, and feeling depleted. Luckily, a friend reminded me, “Anne, your energy is insanely powerful. Not everyone gets unlimited free access to it. It’s time for you to reclaim your energy and take that shit back.”
That night, I sat in meditation and did some cord-cutting meditations. I not only cut the energetic cord with him, but with others in my life who had latched on over time. I immediately felt more empowered and at peace, and then I went to bed.
The next morning, I woke to an Ego-driven text from him insulting me, “This attitude is sour and ugly, I’m glad I saw this side of you before we got too much further involved.” Then, he told me he would be blocking me.
Although I was triggered by more rejection, I took my power back, pulled my energy in even tighter, and ended up having the best day I had had in a long time. All the energy I had reclaimed was pulsing through my body. I wondered if he had even noticed that he no longer had access to the energetic drug he had been on for the previous month.
That night, another text came in.
“Well, maybe not blocked but on timeout.” As I skimmed through the novel-long text, I saw his Ego spiral in full effect.
“You’re acting way crazier than any ex-girlfriend I have ever had. And you’re the spiritual teacher? The fuck? I don’t like the way you’re making me feel. I don’t like all the attacking of my reasons. You are making me feel unhappy so you can be right. Do you need to defeat me to win me back? Anne, you are playing the victim and it’s pathetic and it’s not you.”
I sat there, stunned.
I noticed my Ego wanting to lash out to disprove every insult he threw at me. She hates nothing more than for my integrity to be in question. But then, I remembered what was happening.
He felt powerless.
Although I knew he had the ability to connect to the same power I have been connecting to for years, he didn’t know how to. He was attacking me as a way to receive love because he had no clue how to give it to himself.
I chose not to respond, knowing there was nothing I could say that he would actually hear.
I had come into his life, disrupting everything he had ever been taught and he didn’t have the tools to be able to manage the fears that were arising.
My life contradicts everything he knows to be true about his own. He needs to attack me in order to attempt preventing his entire life built on illusions from crumbling to the ground.
He attacks because he is grasping for love.
And that is how I find my compassion for others when I’m in the direct line of fire.
*This article contains affiliate links, which means if you click and buy the book, I’ll receive compensation for it.