It’s been about a week since my entire world flipped upside down. A week ago, I stepped away from the New Age movement to fully embrace my relationship with Jesus and to understand who he was through the lens of Christianity and the Bible. It’s a path I’ve rejected my entire life and yet for the past four years, Jesus keeps tugging at my heart. He’s been pursuing me without me even knowing it.
Today has been a day of on and off tears for many reasons. This morning I was supposed to be interviewed on a podcast about travel and entrepreneurship—clearly right up my alley after having been an intuitive nomad for three years. Shortly before the interview, I received an email that the host was canceling due to my content not aligning with her audience. I could already pick up on what she was saying without her saying it, but I decided to ask anyway to make sure I wasn’t creating untrue stories.
I was genuinely confused given the content of the podcast and I shared that with her. She responded with, “My audience is mostly liberal/atheist/agnostic/new age and your Christianity plays a very big role in your entrepreneurial journey.” I noticed myself wanting to defend myself. I wanted to say, “No, you don’t understand! This is all new to me. I was deep in the liberal and New Age world for most of my nomadic travels.”
When I sat with the tears, though, I realized what I deeply wanted was not to defend why I would be good enough for her audience because of who I used to be. The truth is, who I am never changed. The only thing that changed was the lens in which I saw the world through. If anything has changed within me, I’ve become more loving, patient, and compassionate. What I wanted was to be told was, “It’s okay to be yourself. Who you are and what you’ve experienced is enough.”
Tonight it all hit me again, but in a different way. A friend sent me a video of the northern California coast. I immediately started crying. I texted her, “I miss my old life.” I’m realizing in this moment that part of the reason I enjoy telling others of my nomadic life is because on some level, I get to relive it again. My nomadic journey wasn’t perfect by any means. It was far from it, but it was beautiful and sacred.
Now I’m on this new journey and although I’ve had more than enough to share already in a short period of time, I’ve remained frozen. The thought of writing has felt overwhelming. I had a woman on my podcast the other day tell me, “You should document your journey.”
I’ve already had some pretty amazing aha moments. This journey is already helping me make sense of many pieces of my nomadic journey. It’s already beautifully sacred within the first week and I just feel part of myself shutting down. Part of me wants to run away to a cabin somewhere and have this experience by myself and not share it with anyone.
As soon as I put even the smallest part of my story out there, everyone has an opinion.
“Jesus is an ascended master.”
“Jesus was a hippie.”
“Christianity isn’t the only truth.”
“All paths lead to love.”
“You’ll find that it’s all the same.”
“I think you’re a Christian mystic.”
“The Bible is full of lies.”
“Hell isn’t real.”
Does my experience matter or is it just going to get lost in the sea of other voices out there? Am I allowed to have opinions of my own? Am I allowed to explore without committing to a certain perspective or belief? Can I ponder things without needing to have answers? Better yet—can I ponder things without it meaning anything about my heart or compassion for humanity?
I know there is value in sharing my journey because there are others who need to know it’s okay to be who they are. I know there are others out there sitting in silence wondering, “Is it okay to change my mind?”
So I don’t know how much I want to share. I want to share because I can’t just sit around alone all day, chatting with Jesus by myself. But at the same time, I kinda want to sit around alone all day, chatting with Jesus by myself.