Christmas Eve was mystical. It was magical and synchronistic, but not in the traditional sense.
The holidays as an adult have always carried a lot of pain for me and I don’t know if it’s because as an empath I can feel the emotions of the collective or because I’ve experienced a lot of loss that has always seemed to become magnified during the holidays.
In 2015, Christmas carried a new level of magic. I met my Twin Flame (whom I called Morgan in Radical Rebirth). I didn’t know he was my Twin at the time. I just knew our love was magical. In fact, he called our love story a “Christmas Miracle”. Our first date was on Christmas Eve and he told me that if we stayed together, Christmas Eve would always be magical. If not, we chanced ruining Christmas forever.
The next Christmas, our relationship was over. (To read what happened, grab your copy of Radical Rebirth). 2016 was surreal. We were broken up, but still living together during the holidays, which allowed me to hold onto some level of hope of reconciliation.
2017 was my first year as a nomad and in a new level of darkness I had never experienced before, which overshadowed any other level of healing I had regarding that relationship. In 2018, I was officially on the road and although I was in Oregon (where I didn’t want to be at the time), I was so focused on writing Radical Rebirth, I wasn’t focused on anything else.
Last year (2019), I was in Phoenix and had just finished a long string of dating. Morgan wasn’t really on my mind, except for the fact that every man who walked away reminded me that I still had yet to meet anyone who came close to what I had with him.
I had no clue what to expect this year, honestly, except for the fact that what I deeply desired was my own place to spend the holidays and I signed a lease in October – just in time for the holidays. After Thanksgiving, though, I was told by an intuitive friend that I was being called to intentionally be on my Twin Flame journey. I’ve never not been on the journey, but I didn’t know the four years I thought I was in my Dark Night was actually me on my Twin Flame journey, healing.
It’s hard to explain, but it’s like as soon as I intentionally chose to be on my Twin Flame journey, things just began to shift in my life with ease. I craved writing again. I felt connected to my soul on a deeper level, which caused me to connect with others much more effortlessly. I naturally began to soften into my feminine energy.
All of that brings me to yesterday morning – Christmas Eve 2020. For weeks leading up to Christmas, I felt a level of hope I couldn’t put words to and yet yesterday morning, I woke up with a level of grief I haven’t felt in years.
I woke up crying.
Before I knew it, I was sobbing.
I could sense what my intuition wanted me to do. Pick up your phone and record a voice memo. Speak it out.
I didn’t want to. I wanted to avoid everything I was feeling.
“I don’t want to. Just make the pain go away.”
Pick up your phone. Say it out loud. Give words to your experience of life.
Against my desire, I dragged my phone across the floor to pull it towards me. Then I picked it up and started speaking.
“I woke up this morning crying and I don’t know what’s going on. I haven’t recorded one of these for you in awhile and I don’t even know if I’m going to send this one to you. I’ve only sent you one, I’ve recorded multiple. I’ve basically been documenting this journey (whatever this fucking journey is). There are so many thoughts and reflections running through my mind.”
The more I spoke, the more I cried and the better I felt. I just shared my story with him, not knowing if he would ever hear it.
“There was one man in Northern California who basically just left and it triggered this level of trauma within me. I hadn’t experienced that level of pain since you and it wasn’t about him. It was about healing the belief that was within me—healing the story. The story that kept getting triggered every single time was the story, “I don’t deserve another good man because I had one and I broke him.” That was my story around you—that I don’t deserve another one. I don’t believe it. I don’t believe I don’t deserve a good man. The problem is that no one ever came close to who you were.
So now it’s Christmas Eve, five years after our first date and all I feel is sadness. I don’t know if it’s my sadness, your sadness, or our sadness.”
As I continued, I could feel where it was going. Be vulnerable. Say it. Put it out there. I knew I was being called to be vulnerable in a way that made my entire body cringe.
“It’s terrifying to be vulnerable because I’m terrified of being rejected, but especially by you. I want nothing more than for you to come home. I know that I’m the one who ran from us. I sabotaged it and then I just ran because I had to heal. I had to heal every single thing.”
If you’ve read Radical Rebirth, then you know I would have rather sabotaged the entire relationship than to be vulnerable. My ego hated being vulnerable so much that I literally started raging arguments every single week to avoid telling him about my fears.
I believe in the power of words, though. I believe spoken words carry an energy that creates a ripple effect. I believe that regardless of whether or not he ever actually hears the voice memos, he felt them on an energetic level.
I wasn’t just speaking to him. I was telling God what I wanted.
“I’ve had friends ask me, “So Anne, is it him or no one?” I thought you were crazy. We were still living together. I remember you were on the couch. We had already broken up and I remember you said to me that you would never find anyone else like me and that you would probably date but that you would never get into a relationship—that you would never find anyone like me—and I thought you were fucking crazy. I was like, “Of course you will.” I just thought it was a normal breakup. I really did. It’s crazy to reflect on that because that has been my journey. I have dated, but I have not been in a relationship since you.
So when my friends ask me, “Anne, is it him or no one?” the answer is, “Yeah.” I will say to you exactly what you fucking said to me—I will probably date, as I have been, if someone comes into my life (I’m not really looking for anyone, I got off all the fucking dating apps). Yeah, for me it’s you or no one. Because I just know. A) I know it’s you and B) I know that I will not have another love in this lifetime that is what you and I had. If I can’t have a love like that, then I don’t want it. I don’t want it.”
After I finished, I made coffee and went out for a morning hike, including more cleansing tears. I spent the hike reflecting on what potentially shifted on an energetic level. I had no clue what kind of shift happened in the unseen world. Who knew what was happening behind the scenes because I declared what I wanted?
On my way home from hiking, I stopped by the store to grab a few things I knew I would need and on my way out, I noticed a man sitting on the curb. I had seen him more times than I could count. I had been going to that same store since I moved into my place in October and every time I drove out of the grocery store, I thought to myself, “I wish I had something easy to give him.” I don’t eat processed food, so anything I buy is always ingredients and nothing that would be easy to consume.
Yesterday felt different. As soon as I drove out of the parking lot, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was supposed to help him. All the stories began to fill my head around what I “should” or “shouldn’t” do, but I couldn’t shake the feeling in my heart.
Against all logic, I turned my car around. I drove around the block and pulled back into the parking lot. This time, I parked at the back near where he was. I got out of my car and he immediately acknowledged me with a simple nod. I humbly approached him.
“Are you hungry?”
“I’m okay,” he replied.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” he said.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” he said once again.
“Okay,” I said.
I smiled, turned around and walked back to my car. As I pulled back out of the parking lot, I waved through my window as he gave me another gentle nod.
When I got back to my place, I sat in my car for awhile, reflecting on how magnetically pulled I felt to connect with that man. It wasn’t about just trying to help someone who was potentially homeless. I wanted to connect with him. I wanted to know his story. I wanted to start by knowing his name.
Then I started to cry. I thought back to Morgan. I remember being so inspired by his generosity. Any time anyone asked him for anything on the street, he always gave it. Whether it was a lot or a little, he always gave.
After telling a friend the story, she said, “Celestine Prophecy. You have to go talk to him. He has a message for you.” Her words shot straight to my heart. I had been living The Celestine Prophecy for years while living on the road. I knew if I went to talk to him, I would get clarity around why I felt so magnetically pulled to connect with him.
All of a sudden, I had a deep desire to simply connect with humanity. I wanted to give. But I didn’t want to just give without a sense of connection. I wanted my giving to be intentional, connected. I wanted to connect with the heart of another human being who appeared to be in need. I wanted him to know he wasn’t a nameless, faceless, forgotten member of society.
He mattered and was seen.
I wanted to see more people who felt unseen. I wanted to hold more space for others who potentially had never had someone hold space for them.
Then a deeper level of clarity came.
God gives to us so that we can give to others.
I’ve been wanting “success” (whatever that means) for years, but I didn’t want it for the “stuff”, even though I do desire a certain level of comfort. I’ve always wanted to pay it forward in a massive way that I have currently been unable to experience, but God was giving me my next step.
Start with where you are. Give to others with what you currently have.
I’ve known this. This is not new information, but it hit me differently yesterday. It landed in my being on a completely new energetic level.
I began to understand why superficial goals never mattered to me. Setting financial goals just for the sake of having money in my bank account meant jack shit to me.
Today a friend reminded me, “In every moment, there’s an opportunity to see someone who normally isn’t seen.”
A new fire has been lit.
I don’t know exactly where all this will lead, but I know I’m always being guided to my next step.
God reminded me again today:
Live your life and write about it.
There’s always an opportunity to serve someone. There’s always an opportunity to see someone who feels unseen.
Our ripple effect in the world begins with us. Our next job is then to be intentional with those we connect with from moment to moment.
First we light our light, then we remind others of theirs.